Death From A Printout
My boss went to work before me today, so I used this window of time for my own sleazy purposes. I sent out a bunch of resumes, mostly via email. However, one I had to fax. I surreptitiously approached the fax machine and sent out my material. I waited there for a second to see if it would go through. It gave me a busy signal and said it would try again later. Fearfully, I grabbed my coat and went to go get lunch before anyone noticed what I was doing. Then, on my way back, I remembered the time I sent out a fax and it bounced back and reprinted the cover sheet to let me know my message had failed. I went cold thinking this would happen to me. My boss would return, notice a fax sitting out and pick it up. He would read, "Dear HR Manager, please see attached resume and cover letter regarding the position of...." and my fucking name all over it. I was sure I was doomed. I went into my office and sure enough, there was what appeared to be the print out on his desk. My boss was speaking French, to what I can only assume was the company president in Paris, about how fired I was. I sat down and began to eat, all the while trying to figure out how to get out of this one.
"The fax? That was for my friend..we have the exact same name you see, weird right? Yeah, well he doesn't have a fax machine because he had to sell it to pay for his Mom's recent trip to the hospital for a double leg amputation. I didn't want to be a dick, the kids been through enough, so I faxed it. Anyway, can I have a raise?" I though it best to turn it around to something completely unexpected. I would cloud his mind with so much bizarre information, he would be rendered incapable of remembering why he was questioning me in the first place. That would work.
I hope he didn't notice how fast and nervously I was consuming my lunch. I didn't want to give him the upper hand. Just sitting there, plotting in French what to do with me, he was toying with me! The sick fuck! damn! I thought my head would explode from the sickening anticipation of him getting off the phone. I needed to know right away if I was screwed or not. I couldn't take it, so I got up and took my trash out. I managed to see the paper on his desk, it wasn't my fax, it was an invoice for something. Christ!
Let this be a lesson to you all. Don't apply for other jobs at your current one. It's much more stressful than it's worth. And after all of my fear, my boss was actually talking to his mother in French. Thats what I get for not knowing any languages other than Valley-speak. My boss then gave me chocolate chip cookies to eat. I guess I'm not fired.
"The fax? That was for my friend..we have the exact same name you see, weird right? Yeah, well he doesn't have a fax machine because he had to sell it to pay for his Mom's recent trip to the hospital for a double leg amputation. I didn't want to be a dick, the kids been through enough, so I faxed it. Anyway, can I have a raise?" I though it best to turn it around to something completely unexpected. I would cloud his mind with so much bizarre information, he would be rendered incapable of remembering why he was questioning me in the first place. That would work.
I hope he didn't notice how fast and nervously I was consuming my lunch. I didn't want to give him the upper hand. Just sitting there, plotting in French what to do with me, he was toying with me! The sick fuck! damn! I thought my head would explode from the sickening anticipation of him getting off the phone. I needed to know right away if I was screwed or not. I couldn't take it, so I got up and took my trash out. I managed to see the paper on his desk, it wasn't my fax, it was an invoice for something. Christ!
Let this be a lesson to you all. Don't apply for other jobs at your current one. It's much more stressful than it's worth. And after all of my fear, my boss was actually talking to his mother in French. Thats what I get for not knowing any languages other than Valley-speak. My boss then gave me chocolate chip cookies to eat. I guess I'm not fired.