Alright I accept.
I am glad I am writing this half an hour after my emotional burst. I don't say outburst because I did not scream or talk someone's ear off with my problems.
Today was just one of those extremely helpless days when I have a lump in my throat that makes my head swirl in a million directions.
It was at work. I have to present at the end of my project. I was supposed to present on Aug 6th. I didn't. I hadn't finished. I had been slacking too much. I would get one regression done on excel in a day many times. Some days I just somehow passed the time by reading up on Princess Diana, Pol Pot, all sorts of random things. Today my boss told me I would present tomorrow. I rushed through the presentation I had been slacking on all day. It was not hard. I was struggling with a graph I did not know how to make. But then I realized the project was wrong. I had used normalized data for the final regression while I know I should have used regular data. Somehow neither my boss nor I had detected the error. That did it. I had been sitting in that office till 10 pm for the past 3 days and I could not take it anymore. I hastily finished up and left. All the way I resisted the urge to just start bawling. It was not that one graph and data error broke me.
I have lived here for 2 months, in a place I could never afford on my own, living the kind of life I can never afford by myself. All this at the kindness of my firm. Yet, the work could not interest me. And it is not just interest when I try I do not do as well as fast as other people. I am not good at any kind of work. All I can do is talk and sometimes make people happy. My other co-intern had as much time as I did to make his presentation. I had his template. He, a non-Stanford student did much better, much faster.
I am not like the regular Stanford student. I am not like the regular super-efficient Indian. I need to understand my limitations. I can not rise to occassions that easily. My bosses started out loving me. They thought I was some super smart Stanford kid. Slowly I saw their relaxed expectation from me get impatient. They wanted to see returns. I still did not deliver. I feel that is when they figured, oh, she's lazy. And not smart enough to cover up for it. If I am not like other people and am not an efficient person, I should accept that. Anyone I have talked to suggested I should be a counselor. But me, in my stanford student flight, would never think about it.
I am not good at these type of desk jobs. I have too many limitations. I am not a lost cause either. If I have the burden of being denied average talents, God did give me something. It is true things sometimes come my way as a matter of chance. I need to accept both these things.
I hope tomorrow I can present with some success. After 3 days I shall be done with this job. I shall leave and never look back. Money is important to me but I shall look for alternative ways to earn it. If I can not find them, I must learn to live in less.
I am done. I dread tomorrow.
Today was just one of those extremely helpless days when I have a lump in my throat that makes my head swirl in a million directions.
It was at work. I have to present at the end of my project. I was supposed to present on Aug 6th. I didn't. I hadn't finished. I had been slacking too much. I would get one regression done on excel in a day many times. Some days I just somehow passed the time by reading up on Princess Diana, Pol Pot, all sorts of random things. Today my boss told me I would present tomorrow. I rushed through the presentation I had been slacking on all day. It was not hard. I was struggling with a graph I did not know how to make. But then I realized the project was wrong. I had used normalized data for the final regression while I know I should have used regular data. Somehow neither my boss nor I had detected the error. That did it. I had been sitting in that office till 10 pm for the past 3 days and I could not take it anymore. I hastily finished up and left. All the way I resisted the urge to just start bawling. It was not that one graph and data error broke me.
I have lived here for 2 months, in a place I could never afford on my own, living the kind of life I can never afford by myself. All this at the kindness of my firm. Yet, the work could not interest me. And it is not just interest when I try I do not do as well as fast as other people. I am not good at any kind of work. All I can do is talk and sometimes make people happy. My other co-intern had as much time as I did to make his presentation. I had his template. He, a non-Stanford student did much better, much faster.
I am not like the regular Stanford student. I am not like the regular super-efficient Indian. I need to understand my limitations. I can not rise to occassions that easily. My bosses started out loving me. They thought I was some super smart Stanford kid. Slowly I saw their relaxed expectation from me get impatient. They wanted to see returns. I still did not deliver. I feel that is when they figured, oh, she's lazy. And not smart enough to cover up for it. If I am not like other people and am not an efficient person, I should accept that. Anyone I have talked to suggested I should be a counselor. But me, in my stanford student flight, would never think about it.
I am not good at these type of desk jobs. I have too many limitations. I am not a lost cause either. If I have the burden of being denied average talents, God did give me something. It is true things sometimes come my way as a matter of chance. I need to accept both these things.
I hope tomorrow I can present with some success. After 3 days I shall be done with this job. I shall leave and never look back. Money is important to me but I shall look for alternative ways to earn it. If I can not find them, I must learn to live in less.
I am done. I dread tomorrow.