this is the only place anymore...
this is the only place i can go to anymore... my secret place..
it's sad how it seems like the only thing that understands is a freaking internet journal. what has this world come to?
I never thought I knew what love was. "Love"
how do you define that word? there's so many different kinds, differnet people... just.. how do you know?
I never thought I would find out. When I asked other people all they would say was "you just know"
well, I thought that was a bunch of bullshit. "you just know"? really? come on people.
but...
then I met him.
I met Ray.
My first ever, true love.
blah blah blah so cliche, i know. I hated it. I hated being apart of the "you just know" crowd. I promised myself I would never fall into it. But Ray made me fall so hard, I just couldn't stop. and because of that, I got hit. i got hit. HARD.
I remember everything about what we had, everything we shared together.
I remember being the band geek, and I him being the quarterback of the football team.
I remember wondering why he was even talking to me at all, I wasn't popular.
I remember laughing with him in Web Design, every single say, pissing the teacher off.
I remember him asking for my number.
I remember starting to like him.
I remember hating myself for it.
I remember not being able to hold back anymore.
I remember admitting it to him, and him admitting it to me. the exact look on his face, the exact words that came out of his mouth. I remember being so nervous.
I remember all the crap people said about him.
I remember ignoring it.
I remember the first time we hung out. it was at the park, MY park. the one i've gone to my entire life. whenever I was sad, I would go to that park. whenever i was happy, or bored. I brought guys to that park like I was bringing them to my parents. Every guy had to meet the park.I remember what I wore. I remember staying out there until past midnight, just talking with him, laying in the grass. I remember teaching him how to direct, and putting my arms around him. I remember him coming home to meet my mom that night. I remember him winning her heart, just like he was starting to win mine.
I remember my amazing graduation party, and him putting his arm around me at the movie that night.I remember him putting frosting on my nose. I remember taking a ton of pictures with him. I remember walking him to his car, holding his hand.
I remember my graduation day, and him embracing me right after it happened. I remember walking around the field holding his hand. I remember spending that whole day with him, party hopping, and bowling that night. I remember falling asleep in his car, and him waking me up to say good bye.
I remember going to Abby's birthday party, playing ultimate frisbee, and taking the most amazing picture I've ever taken with anyone, with him.
I remember driving his truck, being so scared, but doing it so he could steal wood from the front of king soopers, just to take me back to his house to make a fire and look at the stars.
I remember meeting his dad that night.
I remember kissing him for the very first time in the parking lot of a church.
I remember falling asleep on his chest in his car, in the parking lot of the school.
I remember talking with him for hours about his football, and my music.
I remember driving way too far past our destination with him, because we got into a deep conversation about God.
I remember going to Chili's, twice.
I remember how nice he looked.
I remember the way he smelled.
I remember the way he laughed.
I remember his smile.
I remember the way he talked.
I remember his heart.
I remember falling in love with him.
I remember him ignoring me.
I remember him finally writing back... just to ignore me again.
I remember him not saying good bye.
It's like an adventure, that never ends. because i've learned something. You will NEVER stop loving your first love, NEVER. as hard as it may be, i have to accept that fact. I know, slowly, very slowly but surely I'm falling out of love with him. He's fading from my heart and my mind more and more every day. But he'll never truly fade away. He'll always be in there some how, some way. I don't know why he came into my life, I guess to teach me how to love I supposed, but I also don't know why he left. And no matter what he does to me, no matter how much he hurt me, I still love him. and care for him. and I can't think any less of him. I don't know, I just can't. he hurt me more then anything... I trusted him, I thought he loved me, I was so happy, and it had to be taken away.. he took that away from me, he took that happiness. I don't know why it's so easy for people to leave me, or to break their promise to me. saying "i'll never hurt you amy" must mean "i'm not really serious amy, and i have a knife behind my back just waiting for the right moment to pierce you heart"
i'm not throwing a pity party. but i'm sick of getting my heart broken. and i know ray is never coming back to me, i just have to learn to move on. and i'm still figuring out how.
so he can have fun, spreading rumors about me, when he knows we didn't have sex, and never would have had sex, he can have fun, dating a more popular girl than me, he can have fun, with all his football friends.
i'm going to continue with my life in college, leaving him behind as much as i can, just like he left me behind... completely.
it's sad how it seems like the only thing that understands is a freaking internet journal. what has this world come to?
I never thought I knew what love was. "Love"
how do you define that word? there's so many different kinds, differnet people... just.. how do you know?
I never thought I would find out. When I asked other people all they would say was "you just know"
well, I thought that was a bunch of bullshit. "you just know"? really? come on people.
but...
then I met him.
I met Ray.
My first ever, true love.
blah blah blah so cliche, i know. I hated it. I hated being apart of the "you just know" crowd. I promised myself I would never fall into it. But Ray made me fall so hard, I just couldn't stop. and because of that, I got hit. i got hit. HARD.
I remember everything about what we had, everything we shared together.
I remember being the band geek, and I him being the quarterback of the football team.
I remember wondering why he was even talking to me at all, I wasn't popular.
I remember laughing with him in Web Design, every single say, pissing the teacher off.
I remember him asking for my number.
I remember starting to like him.
I remember hating myself for it.
I remember not being able to hold back anymore.
I remember admitting it to him, and him admitting it to me. the exact look on his face, the exact words that came out of his mouth. I remember being so nervous.
I remember all the crap people said about him.
I remember ignoring it.
I remember the first time we hung out. it was at the park, MY park. the one i've gone to my entire life. whenever I was sad, I would go to that park. whenever i was happy, or bored. I brought guys to that park like I was bringing them to my parents. Every guy had to meet the park.I remember what I wore. I remember staying out there until past midnight, just talking with him, laying in the grass. I remember teaching him how to direct, and putting my arms around him. I remember him coming home to meet my mom that night. I remember him winning her heart, just like he was starting to win mine.
I remember my amazing graduation party, and him putting his arm around me at the movie that night.I remember him putting frosting on my nose. I remember taking a ton of pictures with him. I remember walking him to his car, holding his hand.
I remember my graduation day, and him embracing me right after it happened. I remember walking around the field holding his hand. I remember spending that whole day with him, party hopping, and bowling that night. I remember falling asleep in his car, and him waking me up to say good bye.
I remember going to Abby's birthday party, playing ultimate frisbee, and taking the most amazing picture I've ever taken with anyone, with him.
I remember driving his truck, being so scared, but doing it so he could steal wood from the front of king soopers, just to take me back to his house to make a fire and look at the stars.
I remember meeting his dad that night.
I remember kissing him for the very first time in the parking lot of a church.
I remember falling asleep on his chest in his car, in the parking lot of the school.
I remember talking with him for hours about his football, and my music.
I remember driving way too far past our destination with him, because we got into a deep conversation about God.
I remember going to Chili's, twice.
I remember how nice he looked.
I remember the way he smelled.
I remember the way he laughed.
I remember his smile.
I remember the way he talked.
I remember his heart.
I remember falling in love with him.
I remember him ignoring me.
I remember him finally writing back... just to ignore me again.
I remember him not saying good bye.
It's like an adventure, that never ends. because i've learned something. You will NEVER stop loving your first love, NEVER. as hard as it may be, i have to accept that fact. I know, slowly, very slowly but surely I'm falling out of love with him. He's fading from my heart and my mind more and more every day. But he'll never truly fade away. He'll always be in there some how, some way. I don't know why he came into my life, I guess to teach me how to love I supposed, but I also don't know why he left. And no matter what he does to me, no matter how much he hurt me, I still love him. and care for him. and I can't think any less of him. I don't know, I just can't. he hurt me more then anything... I trusted him, I thought he loved me, I was so happy, and it had to be taken away.. he took that away from me, he took that happiness. I don't know why it's so easy for people to leave me, or to break their promise to me. saying "i'll never hurt you amy" must mean "i'm not really serious amy, and i have a knife behind my back just waiting for the right moment to pierce you heart"
i'm not throwing a pity party. but i'm sick of getting my heart broken. and i know ray is never coming back to me, i just have to learn to move on. and i'm still figuring out how.
so he can have fun, spreading rumors about me, when he knows we didn't have sex, and never would have had sex, he can have fun, dating a more popular girl than me, he can have fun, with all his football friends.
i'm going to continue with my life in college, leaving him behind as much as i can, just like he left me behind... completely.