Sometimes I Scare Myself..
I've been in a weird mood lately. Boredom and an overly introspective personality will do that to you. I keep thinking about college and my future. Its not pretty. I cant even get a summer job and wtf is one to do w/ a psych major/ italian minor? I feel like such a child and it frightens me. I am a lazy spoiled child. I am afraid of being poor- of struggling, but I am also afraid of not being satisfied with my choices in life. My mom told me that a friend I grew up with is spending her summer working/living in the Hamptons with her sorority sisters. I've always envied this friend- her social aptitude, her daring and independence- and when I heard this I kinda wanted to cry. I'm wasting away my young adult life because I have yet to become a young adult. Ive got this trifecta of prolonged childhood hanging over my head- no car, no bf, no job. Sometimes I feel like I'm still12. Its disgusting *sigh* I'm letting fear dominate my life and its crippling me.
sO yeah.. I wrote an email to my ex-acting teacher because the crux of the matter is that i know what I want ("want" is putting it lightly) to do. I guess that's part of what makes this so scary: I know in my heart that anything I choose to do that isn't acting is going to leave me with this emptiness. I know because Ive been having withdrawal ever since class ended. I want to be fulfilled. But I'm afraid to try and fail. I really gotta get over that. Nobody ever got anywhere bullshitting around and being scared. I might fall flat on my face but if I don't even try thats like going ahead and laying down on the floor.
I just have to keep reminding myself that if my life is going to go down the shitter no matter what (i kinda foresee that happening) then at least that offers me the freedom of choice. And maybe choosing a path that I want to follow will make the whole "going down the shitter" experience less repugnant.
sO yeah.. I wrote an email to my ex-acting teacher because the crux of the matter is that i know what I want ("want" is putting it lightly) to do. I guess that's part of what makes this so scary: I know in my heart that anything I choose to do that isn't acting is going to leave me with this emptiness. I know because Ive been having withdrawal ever since class ended. I want to be fulfilled. But I'm afraid to try and fail. I really gotta get over that. Nobody ever got anywhere bullshitting around and being scared. I might fall flat on my face but if I don't even try thats like going ahead and laying down on the floor.
I just have to keep reminding myself that if my life is going to go down the shitter no matter what (i kinda foresee that happening) then at least that offers me the freedom of choice. And maybe choosing a path that I want to follow will make the whole "going down the shitter" experience less repugnant.