Nobodies ever told how to live on the street and now your gonna have to get used to it...
I over think everything. It seems that lately I have zero confidence and I am constantly filled with self-doubt. For instance last night as I tried to sleep, All I kept thinking too myself is that the only way I have ever made friends was when they found me. I never actually persude a friendship with anyone. The same thing actually happened with my relationships actually, I also thought. That I never actually had to work for them. They were always sort of given to me. I think these things because I have yet to meet people in New York. It's the 5th week in the semester and I still only know my roomate.
Unfortunetly these things weigh down on me. The simple solution and what everyone just keeps telling me is to just go out and meet people, but that isn't enough. Physically I can be anywhere, there is no problem with that it just seems mentally I'm very shut off. The only place I talk with friends is online. Those friends whom I only get to see every few months. What am I to do in the mean time?
Yesterday I spent the entire day inside my dorm. There was no reason for this. I keep telling myself to go out to the bar and maybe find someone to talk to there. Then I remember I don't drink and I don't belong in a bar by myself. It's just sad and I look like the most retarded alchoholic ever.
I've taken to blaming most of my own shortcommings on Kaitlyn. I'm a 24 year old virgin because of kaitlyn, I haven't met anyone because of kaitlyn, I'm depressed because of kaitlyn, I'm a bitter cynical person because of kaitlyn. Even though she may have lied and manipulated me she doesn't deserve all that. And yet I want to keep on blaming her.
I had a dream a few nights ago where I saw her for the first time. As usual I would try to pretend I don't notice her and she comes up to me trying to get my attention. I just try to act indifferent. I wonder if I would be able to do that in real life. Just act indifferently towards her.
Another source of extreme frustration is my relationship with Britney. She is a person who really likes me. I know this because she worries about me. A total stranger whom I met in a chatroom one night. She worries about me. Britney is a girl who is something that I haven't come across before. She has a very crazy outgoing personality and yet she seems to be normal. She doesn't have issues like the other girls who seem to be into me from time to time. The thing about it is secretly...well not secretly...I really like her too. We both know how we feel about each other. The frustrating thing about it all is that if I were to persue her in a relationship there would already be a need for a large commitment seeing how she lives in North Carolina. Essentially I would have to leave my life here and go to her. we wouldn't be able to do a long distance relationship. I really don't think anyone can. So I have to push her away every so often, but it gets harder and harder all the time. I try to not get emotionally involved because if I do, it might destroy me worse then I already am. I could definetly see myself getting into her a lot. I just don't know if she would feel the same about me. Despite all of this I keep in contact with her regularly because she is the only female influence in my life now.
There was a giant hole created when I shut off Kaitlyn which still hasn't been filled. I probably won't be able to move on from Kaitlyn until I find someone new, someone to connect with in the here and now. I wish it was just as easy as just getting laid, but I'm looking for something more. I'm told to not look for love because love will find you. If that is true then I must be very well hidden to everyone except one person whom I can only see through a computer screen.
Unfortunetly these things weigh down on me. The simple solution and what everyone just keeps telling me is to just go out and meet people, but that isn't enough. Physically I can be anywhere, there is no problem with that it just seems mentally I'm very shut off. The only place I talk with friends is online. Those friends whom I only get to see every few months. What am I to do in the mean time?
Yesterday I spent the entire day inside my dorm. There was no reason for this. I keep telling myself to go out to the bar and maybe find someone to talk to there. Then I remember I don't drink and I don't belong in a bar by myself. It's just sad and I look like the most retarded alchoholic ever.
I've taken to blaming most of my own shortcommings on Kaitlyn. I'm a 24 year old virgin because of kaitlyn, I haven't met anyone because of kaitlyn, I'm depressed because of kaitlyn, I'm a bitter cynical person because of kaitlyn. Even though she may have lied and manipulated me she doesn't deserve all that. And yet I want to keep on blaming her.
I had a dream a few nights ago where I saw her for the first time. As usual I would try to pretend I don't notice her and she comes up to me trying to get my attention. I just try to act indifferent. I wonder if I would be able to do that in real life. Just act indifferently towards her.
Another source of extreme frustration is my relationship with Britney. She is a person who really likes me. I know this because she worries about me. A total stranger whom I met in a chatroom one night. She worries about me. Britney is a girl who is something that I haven't come across before. She has a very crazy outgoing personality and yet she seems to be normal. She doesn't have issues like the other girls who seem to be into me from time to time. The thing about it is secretly...well not secretly...I really like her too. We both know how we feel about each other. The frustrating thing about it all is that if I were to persue her in a relationship there would already be a need for a large commitment seeing how she lives in North Carolina. Essentially I would have to leave my life here and go to her. we wouldn't be able to do a long distance relationship. I really don't think anyone can. So I have to push her away every so often, but it gets harder and harder all the time. I try to not get emotionally involved because if I do, it might destroy me worse then I already am. I could definetly see myself getting into her a lot. I just don't know if she would feel the same about me. Despite all of this I keep in contact with her regularly because she is the only female influence in my life now.
There was a giant hole created when I shut off Kaitlyn which still hasn't been filled. I probably won't be able to move on from Kaitlyn until I find someone new, someone to connect with in the here and now. I wish it was just as easy as just getting laid, but I'm looking for something more. I'm told to not look for love because love will find you. If that is true then I must be very well hidden to everyone except one person whom I can only see through a computer screen.