Again with the sex and love thing.
Am feeling much lighter today, after a couple of weeks of feeling like crap the fog has finally lifted and I feel like myself again. The past couple of weeks may have been awful but I feel I've come to understand my fear of opening up about my feelings a little better. Don't get me wrong my parents are fantastic people, but they definitely have more than a little of the British stiff upper lip going on. My Dad's never dealt with emotional stuff and my Mum's answer to people in pain was always 'cheer up- look at all the great things you have going on in your life.' I find this attitude admirable but its left me feeling like its somehow wrong of me not to be able to just cheer up, that its wrong for me to need support, that is wrong of me to have feelings.
It took a good friend asking me why I felt like I wasn't allowed to feel for me to realise that I do always try stamp on any emotional shit I have going on. I know this has had an affect of my life, aside from with D. and my children, I have always been freaked out by caring for someone or someone telling me they care for me. I always told myself it was because I didn't really get all that romantic crap, but I know that there's more to it than that. I regret the experiences this has closed off to me in life and the people I have hurt and left confused when I ran from them before things could get too deep.
Thing is, I know logically that it isn't always possible to keep sexual attraction and love in two separate boxes, but knowing and feeling comfortable with that are two very different things unfortunately. So what do I do now? Do I just accept that I have real problems with this and close myself off from developing new relationships in case I act the same way again? Or do I accept I have real problems with this and work on them?? Is there a way of doing the latter without fucking other people around? Hmm.
It took a good friend asking me why I felt like I wasn't allowed to feel for me to realise that I do always try stamp on any emotional shit I have going on. I know this has had an affect of my life, aside from with D. and my children, I have always been freaked out by caring for someone or someone telling me they care for me. I always told myself it was because I didn't really get all that romantic crap, but I know that there's more to it than that. I regret the experiences this has closed off to me in life and the people I have hurt and left confused when I ran from them before things could get too deep.
Thing is, I know logically that it isn't always possible to keep sexual attraction and love in two separate boxes, but knowing and feeling comfortable with that are two very different things unfortunately. So what do I do now? Do I just accept that I have real problems with this and close myself off from developing new relationships in case I act the same way again? Or do I accept I have real problems with this and work on them?? Is there a way of doing the latter without fucking other people around? Hmm.