Enough is enough.
Clearly my intent in this journal is to make others feel bad. I am so fucking small and so incredibly miserable, bitter, and selfish, that I have an incurable need to make other people feel bad. Right, that's what I am trying to do here. Clearly, this journal is NOT a space for me to deal with my own problems, and perhaps try to prevent my self from melting down. I'm sorry I have not been here in Switlik. But you know, that entry is not exactly new. And if you read the whole entry, then you may have noticed that it was primariliy and entry about MY feelings of lonliness and inadequacy as compared to my friends who actually seemed to have romantic prospects. I am sorry, but I have not had anyone have any interest in me in close to 8 months, and I am sorry if my anaolgy offended you, but in all honesty, in the time we have been here you have established more relationships, and then ended and moved on from those relationships, than I have been in in my entire life. I have dated two people. Ever. Period. And one relationship ended with the person telling me I was worthless, and the other relationship ended with the other person telling me they no longer LOVED me. (Which has incidentally been discussed in subsequent converstations with other people, and has led to the conclusion that this person probably never loved me, since the thought of no longer loving someone is inconceviable to us both.) So I don't really know what to tell you. I'm not honestly sorry if I offended you--not because I do not care, but because, as I have stated in mutilple entries--this is MY FUCKING JOURNAL. You don't like it-- then don't read it. But don't you EVER take things I say here and discuss them with other people, and or publicly broadcast them via my wiper-board, or any other means. This is my space. Mine. M. I. N. E. I am tired of having to apologise to people for how I feel. I can't help a lot of my feelings. And considering what has been going on in my life, you would think that people would have the decency NOT to do things like this. I am having a hard enough time battling my depression without people bringing this drama into my life. Things like this are THE REASON that I at times have decided that having friends is too much of a bother. Having people in my life has often caused my life to be more detestable that times when I have been shunned, and have been totally alone. My intent was not to offend you-- if perhaps you read that entry more carefully, and with less of a personal focus, you may see that I was hurting when I wrote it. It was an entry about how I feel that other people are surpassing me in every way, and about how I feel incompetent and left behind, how I seem to be utterly unwanted and undesireable. It was not an diatibe against girls who have had many relationships, and who are desirable to people of the opposite sex. Now I am tired, and I am pissed, and I am too gray to really be angry, so I am just muddled. I don't want to lose our friendship--but I am not sorry that I said it. I'm sorry what I said was misunderstood. It was not my intent. And that is the best i can do for you. I am truly sorry that I am not being a particuarly good friend right now-- but I am simply having too much trouble getting through the day to worry about other people. And that is something people are just going to have to accept. On the other hand, I am aware that you are not having a fun time of it right now, even if I do not know the details. And I do care. And if anyone really needs me, you all have my cell number, and I am continually available at the terminating portion of my phone. So. Ok, i'm finished here. I don't need this drama. I don't need any drama, what I do need are hugs. But i'm not going to be getting any of those any time soon, so I will just have to accept that I am alone. And I'm not totally alone--which is why I am in Hill so much. Those people, and very specifically John and Meg, are really wonderful to me, and I know they are trying their hardest to help me out. And I know you all would too--but the difference is I am sure that I have said and done things to both of them that were hurtful--but they have simply been really big about it, and have been more focused on my well being than... I don't know. What I am trying to say is right now they are able to focus on me, and on my needs, which is what I need, and people here have their own drama to tend to. I don't hold this against anyone, but I am spending time where it is best for me at the moment. I really care about my Switlik/ maryland people. So in future, do two things--take my jounral with a grain of salt-- as someone who suffers from depression, severe anxiety and mild paranoia, sometimes what I say is not exactly the most kind or flattering thing--so try to think about how I must feel to say it, and how I must feel to "feel" that why while knowing that my feeling that way is going to hurt people. It literally tears me apart. And second, if you have a problem with what I have to say here, take it up with me personally and privately. End of story.