More Craptastic Writing!
I'm still pouring through my "collection" of writings and I'm having way too much fun doing it. I'm definitely going to be posting examples of my finest works up here for everyone (read "the two people who glance at my journal every so often") to peruse and make much deserved fun of. The challenge lies in reading through and picking out the best parts. Obviously, the contrived and inexperienced sex scenes must be included in this list as they are always a source of much amusement.
First, we should probably go through some sort of rough chronology of the horror that is my fanfiction. I started when I was approximately thirteen, writing an epic piece about my Mary Sue and George Michael and their travels through the land of "twu wuv" (I would give my right spleen to find that particular story, but I haven't been able to track it down as of yet). I branched out a bit after that into Duran Duran, Menudo (yes, Menudo) and finally into the Brat Pack (Rob Lowe and Andrew McCarthy were particular favorites). Over the next decade or so (you read right.... I wrote this detritus for a DECADE) I slalomed back and forth between actors and singers, though towards the end I was sticking primarily with the actors. I probably have stories involving every mildly attractive, reasonably famous male from 1984 to 1994.
I have one loverly story bastardizing Johnny Depp's character from 21 Jump Street, Tom Hanson. In it, Tom goes under cover, pretending to be married to a girl named, varyingly, Sierra and/or Devin. The girl's father is a cocaine dealer who happens to live in the Bahamas. Of course, my sueoine falls madly in love with Officer Hanson rather quickly (not that I can blame her... it is Johnny freaking Depp after all). Late at night, in a fit of drowsy angst, Sierra/Devin wanders out onto her balcony to look at the ocean and think. I described the scene as thus "Her eyes were drawn to the endless stretch of water before her, etched with silvery moonlight. Her body slowly rested on the rail, and her restless mind was lulled by the rhythmic pound of the waves against the shore." All of those words when all the bitch was doing was stepping outside to get some air!
Of course, the wondrous Officer Hanson (let's call him Tom for brevity's sake) follows her outside to calm her troubled mind. In a feeble attempt to sex him up, Devin/Sierra trips down the stair coming back into her room. Get a load of this awkwardly worded section "As engrossed as she was in her thoughts, Sierra forgot to step down the step that divided her patio from her room. Instead, she stumbled down it, coming only a foot away from crashing to the floor. Tom's quick reflexes were the only thing that saved her, as he caught her a second from the ground and pulled her back into his embrace." Holy cheesy plot devices, Batman! Seriously, ignoring the fact that he would have to be SUPER strong to catch her only a foot from the ground, how the hell could his reflexes be that friggin fast? Johnny Depp is a minor deity, but seriously!
That's all for tonight. Don't fret, the torture will continue soon. I have reams upon reams of this crap ;).
First, we should probably go through some sort of rough chronology of the horror that is my fanfiction. I started when I was approximately thirteen, writing an epic piece about my Mary Sue and George Michael and their travels through the land of "twu wuv" (I would give my right spleen to find that particular story, but I haven't been able to track it down as of yet). I branched out a bit after that into Duran Duran, Menudo (yes, Menudo) and finally into the Brat Pack (Rob Lowe and Andrew McCarthy were particular favorites). Over the next decade or so (you read right.... I wrote this detritus for a DECADE) I slalomed back and forth between actors and singers, though towards the end I was sticking primarily with the actors. I probably have stories involving every mildly attractive, reasonably famous male from 1984 to 1994.
I have one loverly story bastardizing Johnny Depp's character from 21 Jump Street, Tom Hanson. In it, Tom goes under cover, pretending to be married to a girl named, varyingly, Sierra and/or Devin. The girl's father is a cocaine dealer who happens to live in the Bahamas. Of course, my sueoine falls madly in love with Officer Hanson rather quickly (not that I can blame her... it is Johnny freaking Depp after all). Late at night, in a fit of drowsy angst, Sierra/Devin wanders out onto her balcony to look at the ocean and think. I described the scene as thus "Her eyes were drawn to the endless stretch of water before her, etched with silvery moonlight. Her body slowly rested on the rail, and her restless mind was lulled by the rhythmic pound of the waves against the shore." All of those words when all the bitch was doing was stepping outside to get some air!
Of course, the wondrous Officer Hanson (let's call him Tom for brevity's sake) follows her outside to calm her troubled mind. In a feeble attempt to sex him up, Devin/Sierra trips down the stair coming back into her room. Get a load of this awkwardly worded section "As engrossed as she was in her thoughts, Sierra forgot to step down the step that divided her patio from her room. Instead, she stumbled down it, coming only a foot away from crashing to the floor. Tom's quick reflexes were the only thing that saved her, as he caught her a second from the ground and pulled her back into his embrace." Holy cheesy plot devices, Batman! Seriously, ignoring the fact that he would have to be SUPER strong to catch her only a foot from the ground, how the hell could his reflexes be that friggin fast? Johnny Depp is a minor deity, but seriously!
That's all for tonight. Don't fret, the torture will continue soon. I have reams upon reams of this crap ;).