mommy dearest
My mother has been in California for most of this past month, and everybody has had to give up a few things. I've had to give up my free time, my fun, my friends, my privacy, my sleep, my... the list goes on. I'm not trying to say that I shouldn't have to do these things, because I know that I should, without a doubt. But when my mother came home, she was a total bitch to me, for no reason. The day she got back, she was yelling at me about anything she could fine to do. I went on the computer (after she yelled at me for being too close, and in her face) and she called me and yelled at me because she wanted me to be with her "for a few minutes" which turned into over an hour. So, after this hour passed, I came back to the computer, so I could, I don't know, maybe interact with a human being that didn't treat me like a stray dog. I didn't have my music up loud, or at all, I wasn't makeing any noise, I wasn't doing anything buy talking to Bethany on AIM. But of course, mommy dearest didn't want me doing that either, and she let me know. She let me know quite clearly. She yelled and yelled for all she was worth, than went to the bathroom, and yelled at me from in there, because the shampoo bottle had fallen from the edge of the bathtub, and no one had picked it up, and it was, of course, my fault, since I let the house go to waste while she was there, and just ignored messes, and stepped over them. So I get pissed, and go out to my room, and fall asleep angry, and nine thirty comes around, and my sister comes to my room saying that mother dearest want's me. I went to her, even though I was ready to kick my foot through the wall. She wanted me, get this, to go get her chinese food, because she was hungry. Boo hoo. Even though I'd been asleep for an hour, and my eyelids almost refused to open all the way, I decided I would go for her, to squash any chance of her yelling at me further. I have Olivia come with me, because I don't want to go by myself, and I needed some one to come with me, or else I was afraid I might purposely drive myself off of a bridge. I get to the restaurant, and they are closed, and Kentucky Fried Chicken is closed, and every other placed is closed. So I come home, tell mommy dearest, and head out to my room, but she stops me before I can close the door behind me, and very sweetly, asks if I will MAKE her something! I was ready to just run at her and grab her throat, and give her something to be angry at me for, but I hold it in, and ask her what, and she wants a fried egg sandwich, with lots of mayo, but not fried too hard, and the bread not toasted. I swear I almost threw my hand through the window in anger. I never get these urges to want to inflict pain on anybody, but I couldn't respond, or she'd yell some more. So, I climb into bet at ten, and, look at this, I can't sleep, because I am SO angry. I stay up the whole night hating being alive, wishing I were dead, and thinking up all the things I could do to help that last bit get into action quicker. Like I said before, I never feel those things, I never really want to kill myself. Everybody THINKS about it every once in a while; what would happen, who would cry and be sorry for the things they said to you. But no one ever really actually plans a way that it can happen. I did. I decided that I wanted to come in the house in the morning, and get all the pills that Tone is so stacked up with, and just take them. They wouldn't know, until at least four or five... but I don't, because I believe in something higher than myself. I go throughout my day, sometimes still seething from the night before, more often trying to be happy. I can't stand some people, like the people that I want to like, but just after they've redeemed themselves for something they said last week, they do it again, only this time worse. Take Jason from Theatre as an example. The tampon incident just wasn't enough for him, now was it? No, now every time he sees me he has to sing the "Fact's of Life" theme song, and say things relating to me being a whore. I want to like him, because he's cute, and sometimes he can be bearable, but not today. I swear I was ready to kill him, when he said I was tacky. I've never said so much as one rude word to him. Never. So I'm in this horrible mood fifth period, and six period comes around, and I'm still angry, but then I see Addison, and he really makes me happy. He makes me laugh, and he laughs with me so I don't feel like an idiot. I want to like him, more than just a friend, but he has a girl friend, and he is a junior, and.. I am me. So I decide I don't want to like him, even though just looking at him makes me happy, because he's so much fun to hang around with. So I leave school all happy, and pull into the driveway, and the bad mood hits me. And to make a very long, longer than I intended, story short, my mother does almost the exact same thing to me, and she yells, but this time, I react differently, I yell back, because I'm not going to sit there and let her ruin my life. Too late. So, why do I hate myself so much, when she's the one that makes me so angry? ... Because I'm the one that she reacts to in the first place. God, I'm such an idiot, and I don't even know it. I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe, and than mommy dearest comes a long, and I just want to kill myself. Get a knife, and slit a wrist, and get if fucking OVER WITH! I'm not abusive, I'm not crazy, I'm not even depressed, I'm just fed up. FED UP!