Everyday is not a "happy, happy, happy day".
Today is just not my day... I break two of Grandma's glasses, mess up Christina's iced mocha latte thing, lead Andrew on and then drop him like a ten point bag of potatoes, and break the promises I've meade to myself and God. And I'm two hundred and fifteen pounds. Why, oh why, do I have to go through day's like this? I've had just about enough of trying to be everything for everybody, and I'm not getting anything from it. I'm trying to be good and choose the right, but it's so hard when I can do something that no one will see... Only problem is that some one does see; Heavenly Father see's what I'm doing to myself... I see what I'm doing to myself, and I don't like it. I don't know what to do anymore. Pride is keeping me from seeking help. Well, not pride, because I feel no pride for myself or the things I've done, only hatred. Fear is what's keeping me from getting help; Fear of being judged; Fear of being judged correctly. I don't want people to see who I really am; what I really think, because that would give me what I deserve, a whole lot of lonely days to think about myself, and openly hate myself more. Maybe I should just give up. Maybe... but I know that's not the way. It's just hard to live life by the principle that is the way. Like I told Andrew, on a some what different subject, but one just as important, I know what I should do, I just don't know how do to it... I guess no one always has "happy, happy, happy day's" and I just need to make it through one more day of a bad one, to come out on a hopefully good one... If anyone could read this journal and see the difficulty I'm having at living life righteously and happy, that person would know me so well; not just my likes and dislikes, but who I really am, and I don't even know that all the way... Maybe someday I'll figure it out, just not today. I live almost differently than I write in here. A normal day will have me happy and carefree, hardly remembering Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, hardly praying or reading his words, hardly being a friend a friend would like to have. That's something I want to change. Change again... Why does it always come back to that? Because I'm finally realizing it's what I need to do for my life to be successful and what I will do. I never want to regret, so I have to make some changes... Just some changes.