(no subject)
So basically I have this problem. See, I'm addicted to writing preseries things for Supernatural. Specifically things that relate to Dean's issues of absent!Sam, and their childhood, and Sam's leaving, and all of that and making Dean seem really traumatized (HE IS, HE JUST DOESN'T SHOW IT MOST OF THE TIME, OKAY? THERE IS LOTS OF PROOF OF HIS TRAUMA. I WILL MAKE A LIST SOMEDAY MAYBE) even though if it were show!scenes it wouldn't be obvious at all because he's Dean and aww. Shut up, I have nothing else to fixate on right now, okay?
Anyway. I wrote this, um, two nights ago, and just realized it was on my MP3 player (ahahaa yay text file viewer!) and that I could post it! And so here is this. Each "paragraph" is actually only one sentence, and yes the wonky, run-on writing style is intentional, okay (I'm looking in your direction, Mom!)? It wanted to be written this way. <3
When Sam can walk, it's like he doesn't ever want to stop, and sometimes he'll just walk and walk and Dean has to chase him down and pick him up in order to stop him but he always catches him, except one time in the store where he looks away for just a second and then Sammy's gone, and Dean can't find him and Dad can't find him and gets mad at Dean for losing him like he meant to do it, and Dean doesn't say anything, and then a lady comes up with Sammy and Dad holds onto Sam the way he held onto him after the fire, except this time Dean can't curl in close like he did then, he just stands and apologies with his eyes because he can't say anything and Dad doesn't seem to notice because he's wrapped up in relief over Sam's safe return, but the lady who returned Sammy to them stoops down to eye-level with him, blue eyes and too much make-up, ruffles his hair and smiles and she smells like lavender and her hair falls like Mom's did and Dean hugs her tight and she laughs and hugs him back but she doesn't feel like Mom, and when he backs away after and sees Dad's eyes they look broken even though his mouth is smiling.
When Sam is six he finds a kitten in a box in a parking lot and hides it in their motel room for three days before Dean notices; they keep it almost another whole week before Dad notices (of course he was gone most of that time, but still), feeding it cheap canned milk bought at the little grocery store up the road and putting it outside due to the lack of a litter box, and then Dad makes them give it to the motel owners when it's time to leave, a little old woman and her son, and they name it Sammy after him but Sam still cries and Dean pretends he isn't almost as torn up as his brother over leaving it behind, and Dad buys them ice cream and tells them maybe they could get another one if they want to someday, when they don't have to move around so much, when they have a proper home, and Sam asks soon? and Dad says he hopes so, and Dean tries to imagine Home without Mom, but he can't.
When Sam is ten they rent a house for three months that has a huge back yard with a tire swing in a tree, and the boys spend most of their free time out there, even sometimes at night they camp out there and Dad hovers at the windows peeking out all night, worried, but Sam doesn't notice, and Dean pretends he doesn't, and they have their guns with them, and the yard is warded, but Sam can really mostly just be a kid, and Dean tries to remember how to be, and once they invite a kid Sam befriends in school over and they catch fireflies in jars and use them for light while they tell scary stories and realize that hunting is scarier than any stories are and the kid goes home early, terrified, when Sam tells a story, a true story, and Dean says they're better off without him and they lay in the grass and watch the stars, and Sam says he hopes they stay here forever, and Dean doesn't say anything (he wonders if he could, if Home could be Dad and Sam even without Mom, thinks maybe it could be, maybe he could let it be, maybe it already is, doesn't have to be a place at all), and they leave a week later.
Fifteen is Sam's first girlfriend, a girl named Sally with strawberry-blond hair she wears down to curl around her shoulders and bright blue eyes, and Dean tries to give him advice on wooing her, but Sam isn't Dean and he's shy and awkward and Sally is shy and awkward and he watches from the car as Sam tries to kiss her and they end up smacking their foreheads or noses or something and Dean laughs and laughs until Sam gets it right on the next try and then he looks away and feels like maybe he shouldn't have given him advice at all because now Sam's growing up and he doesn't think he wants that at all yet, and they leave the town and Sally behind two weeks later.
When Dean teaches Sam to drive over the summer they go out and drive around the town and then out to the farms, around and around back roads until it got dark, and they park in an empty field and just lie there in the tall grass and watch the stars, the Impala's radio playing music as background noise, or they'd run around and catch fireflies like they're kids again, or one time go cow tipping and get chased away by a farmer with a shotgun and they're laughing so hard they keep tripping and falling as they run and they're lucky they get home in one piece, and Sam hits a mailbox on the way home another night and Dean wants to drive on but Sam insists on going up to the house and apologizing, offering to pay but no one can be mad at him for long if he turns on the puppy eyes, no one but Dad who's furious about the scratches on the paint of the car when they get home, and Dean says it was his fault and Sam tries to protest but Dad doesn't hear, already yelling before Sam can tell him what really happened, and Dean just takes it and then smiles at Sam and later says you owe me one, bitch, when really he just means you're welcome.
The first time Sam gets really, properly drunk, it's when Dad's out for the week hunting while they're supposed to go to school, only Dean keeps skipping to work, yard work for people in the little town to earn them some money that he spends on the liquor and they drink it on a Friday night, forget Dad's supposed to come back and get totally smashed, laying on the floor of the motel because they can't seem to get coordinated to move and gave up on trying, laughing because they can't remember what was so funny in the first place, and Dad comes back and he doesn't seem angry, he just takes what's left of the bottle from them and drinks the rest himself, doesn't seem to get drunk at all, and they fall asleep or maybe just pass out, and in the morning they're miserable and hung over, and Dad brings in some kind of greasy breakfast, bacon and sausage and Sam's in the bathroom throwing up for like an hour, retreating back there as soon as a whiff of anything food-like reaches him, while Dean just sits with his forehead against the cool tabletop while Dad bangs things around and whistles and makes all kinds of noise and steals the last of the coffee and smirks when Dean complains and says maybe they should have thought about it before they got so drunk and that's all he says about it, doesn't get mad and maybe Dean almost (almost) wishes he would, even as Dad hands him a couple aspirin and a glass of water and tells him to get himself cleaned up and pack, it's time to move on.
And they move on and they move on and they never seem to stop and Sam complains and complains and never seems satisfied and Dad yells and yells and Sam fights back and Dean tries to calm them and tries to stop them and tries to get between them when it comes to blows and it never seems to end because there's always something, always another hunt, another complaint, another fight, and there's Sam sneaking around with paperwork and applications he thinks he hides from Dean, and there's Sam's rebellion, and the only time they work right is when it's just him and Sam, and then they're untouchable - like they compliment each other so well they might as well be the same person sometimes, and even Dad notices and he sends them together without him a few times, and they come back with barely a scratch where normally they might have at least some injuries, and Dad says he's proud and Dean smiles but Sam just scoffs and retreats to his books and his papers and his essays like the praise means nothing, and then it'll go back to the same old thing and loop around and start over and it's like something building and building and waiting to explode.
And then it does, and he saw it coming but it still catches him off guard, and it's like the fire all over again, Home uprooted and cut away and pulled out from under him and leaving him without anything stable to hold himself up on, except this time he's older and he has to pretend he's fine because that's what he's supposed to do, and things go on and time passes and Sam stops calling and when he starts Sam won't pick up, and he pretends that doesn't hurt and pretends Sam's just busy and pretends and pretends and pretends and Dad never seems to notice any of it, one hunt to the next to the next, they never stop now, now that Sam isn't there to insist on staying in a town for school, or to complain that they don't rest between hunts enough, because Dean never complains unless it's about trivial things like the heat or the boring town or the horrible radio reception that only lets country music come through without static and things of that nature, and usually Dad agrees anyway, and then Dad goes off alone, claims personal business and sends Dean on his own hunt as if he's distracting him and that's fine, that's okay, and he's perfectly fine, even though he's alone and he's never liked being alone, always hated it because it's too much like being invisible, so he makes himself noticed and pretends and pretends and pretends and he talks and talks but he never really says anything at all.
Anyway. I wrote this, um, two nights ago, and just realized it was on my MP3 player (ahahaa yay text file viewer!) and that I could post it! And so here is this. Each "paragraph" is actually only one sentence, and yes the wonky, run-on writing style is intentional, okay (I'm looking in your direction, Mom!)? It wanted to be written this way. <3
When Sam can walk, it's like he doesn't ever want to stop, and sometimes he'll just walk and walk and Dean has to chase him down and pick him up in order to stop him but he always catches him, except one time in the store where he looks away for just a second and then Sammy's gone, and Dean can't find him and Dad can't find him and gets mad at Dean for losing him like he meant to do it, and Dean doesn't say anything, and then a lady comes up with Sammy and Dad holds onto Sam the way he held onto him after the fire, except this time Dean can't curl in close like he did then, he just stands and apologies with his eyes because he can't say anything and Dad doesn't seem to notice because he's wrapped up in relief over Sam's safe return, but the lady who returned Sammy to them stoops down to eye-level with him, blue eyes and too much make-up, ruffles his hair and smiles and she smells like lavender and her hair falls like Mom's did and Dean hugs her tight and she laughs and hugs him back but she doesn't feel like Mom, and when he backs away after and sees Dad's eyes they look broken even though his mouth is smiling.
When Sam is six he finds a kitten in a box in a parking lot and hides it in their motel room for three days before Dean notices; they keep it almost another whole week before Dad notices (of course he was gone most of that time, but still), feeding it cheap canned milk bought at the little grocery store up the road and putting it outside due to the lack of a litter box, and then Dad makes them give it to the motel owners when it's time to leave, a little old woman and her son, and they name it Sammy after him but Sam still cries and Dean pretends he isn't almost as torn up as his brother over leaving it behind, and Dad buys them ice cream and tells them maybe they could get another one if they want to someday, when they don't have to move around so much, when they have a proper home, and Sam asks soon? and Dad says he hopes so, and Dean tries to imagine Home without Mom, but he can't.
When Sam is ten they rent a house for three months that has a huge back yard with a tire swing in a tree, and the boys spend most of their free time out there, even sometimes at night they camp out there and Dad hovers at the windows peeking out all night, worried, but Sam doesn't notice, and Dean pretends he doesn't, and they have their guns with them, and the yard is warded, but Sam can really mostly just be a kid, and Dean tries to remember how to be, and once they invite a kid Sam befriends in school over and they catch fireflies in jars and use them for light while they tell scary stories and realize that hunting is scarier than any stories are and the kid goes home early, terrified, when Sam tells a story, a true story, and Dean says they're better off without him and they lay in the grass and watch the stars, and Sam says he hopes they stay here forever, and Dean doesn't say anything (he wonders if he could, if Home could be Dad and Sam even without Mom, thinks maybe it could be, maybe he could let it be, maybe it already is, doesn't have to be a place at all), and they leave a week later.
Fifteen is Sam's first girlfriend, a girl named Sally with strawberry-blond hair she wears down to curl around her shoulders and bright blue eyes, and Dean tries to give him advice on wooing her, but Sam isn't Dean and he's shy and awkward and Sally is shy and awkward and he watches from the car as Sam tries to kiss her and they end up smacking their foreheads or noses or something and Dean laughs and laughs until Sam gets it right on the next try and then he looks away and feels like maybe he shouldn't have given him advice at all because now Sam's growing up and he doesn't think he wants that at all yet, and they leave the town and Sally behind two weeks later.
When Dean teaches Sam to drive over the summer they go out and drive around the town and then out to the farms, around and around back roads until it got dark, and they park in an empty field and just lie there in the tall grass and watch the stars, the Impala's radio playing music as background noise, or they'd run around and catch fireflies like they're kids again, or one time go cow tipping and get chased away by a farmer with a shotgun and they're laughing so hard they keep tripping and falling as they run and they're lucky they get home in one piece, and Sam hits a mailbox on the way home another night and Dean wants to drive on but Sam insists on going up to the house and apologizing, offering to pay but no one can be mad at him for long if he turns on the puppy eyes, no one but Dad who's furious about the scratches on the paint of the car when they get home, and Dean says it was his fault and Sam tries to protest but Dad doesn't hear, already yelling before Sam can tell him what really happened, and Dean just takes it and then smiles at Sam and later says you owe me one, bitch, when really he just means you're welcome.
The first time Sam gets really, properly drunk, it's when Dad's out for the week hunting while they're supposed to go to school, only Dean keeps skipping to work, yard work for people in the little town to earn them some money that he spends on the liquor and they drink it on a Friday night, forget Dad's supposed to come back and get totally smashed, laying on the floor of the motel because they can't seem to get coordinated to move and gave up on trying, laughing because they can't remember what was so funny in the first place, and Dad comes back and he doesn't seem angry, he just takes what's left of the bottle from them and drinks the rest himself, doesn't seem to get drunk at all, and they fall asleep or maybe just pass out, and in the morning they're miserable and hung over, and Dad brings in some kind of greasy breakfast, bacon and sausage and Sam's in the bathroom throwing up for like an hour, retreating back there as soon as a whiff of anything food-like reaches him, while Dean just sits with his forehead against the cool tabletop while Dad bangs things around and whistles and makes all kinds of noise and steals the last of the coffee and smirks when Dean complains and says maybe they should have thought about it before they got so drunk and that's all he says about it, doesn't get mad and maybe Dean almost (almost) wishes he would, even as Dad hands him a couple aspirin and a glass of water and tells him to get himself cleaned up and pack, it's time to move on.
And they move on and they move on and they never seem to stop and Sam complains and complains and never seems satisfied and Dad yells and yells and Sam fights back and Dean tries to calm them and tries to stop them and tries to get between them when it comes to blows and it never seems to end because there's always something, always another hunt, another complaint, another fight, and there's Sam sneaking around with paperwork and applications he thinks he hides from Dean, and there's Sam's rebellion, and the only time they work right is when it's just him and Sam, and then they're untouchable - like they compliment each other so well they might as well be the same person sometimes, and even Dad notices and he sends them together without him a few times, and they come back with barely a scratch where normally they might have at least some injuries, and Dad says he's proud and Dean smiles but Sam just scoffs and retreats to his books and his papers and his essays like the praise means nothing, and then it'll go back to the same old thing and loop around and start over and it's like something building and building and waiting to explode.
And then it does, and he saw it coming but it still catches him off guard, and it's like the fire all over again, Home uprooted and cut away and pulled out from under him and leaving him without anything stable to hold himself up on, except this time he's older and he has to pretend he's fine because that's what he's supposed to do, and things go on and time passes and Sam stops calling and when he starts Sam won't pick up, and he pretends that doesn't hurt and pretends Sam's just busy and pretends and pretends and pretends and Dad never seems to notice any of it, one hunt to the next to the next, they never stop now, now that Sam isn't there to insist on staying in a town for school, or to complain that they don't rest between hunts enough, because Dean never complains unless it's about trivial things like the heat or the boring town or the horrible radio reception that only lets country music come through without static and things of that nature, and usually Dad agrees anyway, and then Dad goes off alone, claims personal business and sends Dean on his own hunt as if he's distracting him and that's fine, that's okay, and he's perfectly fine, even though he's alone and he's never liked being alone, always hated it because it's too much like being invisible, so he makes himself noticed and pretends and pretends and pretends and he talks and talks but he never really says anything at all.