(no subject)
Been a while since I posted last. In that time I managed to learn to get a handle on myself. I'm exercising, trying to eat better, and actively taking steps to understand and control my depression/anger problems. I'm not exhibiting attention seeking behavior for sympathy nor am I turning to alcohol to drown my sorrows. After two weeks of trying I'm finally managing to see my therapist tomorrow. That should help also.
Though I'm finally getting my shit together and dealing with my baggage I'm currently in a mild depression. I guess that's to be expected. As you would figure it has to do with Spiffy. After I last saw her two weeks ago I was a bit of an emotional cunt to her, blocking her to spare myself the pain of facing her or to hide myself from the reality that she's living her own life without me. At that point I apologized to her and swore to myself to not let my emotions get the better of me in making such brash decisions and to keep myself from hiding from reality. I'm done being an angry, angst-ridden asshole that cloisters himself in delusions of being infallible.
I'm human. I'm not perfect. I'm flawed. I do and will make mistakes but I will learn from them.
But as for what's making mildly depressed, it's a myriad of things. Here's how it all started...
Last night Robert invited me to his place just to hang out. He had mentioned Spiffy would be there, and naturally I was hesitant. Not so much the awkwardness but just the fear of something bad happening, like me saying something stupid and we get into a heated fight or me over-reacting to something she said. But...none of that happened.
Throughout that night we all made small talk about our plans for upcoming conventions, the goings on about people in our inner circle, we would laugh about internet videos and she would casually walk up to me with her tablet and show me a few of them, which was nice. She would make a snarky comment to herself or aloud to me on occasion, which I brushed off because I'm use to it from her, but other than that it was a nice evening. No tension, no drama. We left at the same time, bid each other a safe ride home, I told her that it was nice to see her, she returned the kind words, and we left.
At that point two things when through my mind throughout the ride home: First of which, I think I can handle being around her in social situations now. Which is paramount because A. We have A LOT of mutual friends and B. We're going to be spending the weekend together in Baltimore for Otakon. The fact that we're going to Otakon at the same time is almost the exact same situation we were in the last time we broke up. The only difference was then, she wasn't speaking to me at all. While we were there she was desperately trying to avoid me and I was desperately trying to work up the nerve to find her and speak to her, to no avail, and that I was sobbing the whole time because she was somewhere in that city and I couldn't fulfill my desire to look her in the eye and tell her how badly I wanted to be with her again. All the while, ruining the vibe for everyone else that I came with. This time, We're actually on somewhat good terms, though we both are still a little raw from the severity of the events that led to our separation. I can sense that she's still carrying a considerable amount of mistrust and hurt, but is calm and mature enough to not let it affect us all socially. I'm finding I am too, much to my surprise.
The other thing that crossed my mind and has stayed with me since then was the bitter reality of our current relationship and it's future. I'm finding that it is getting easier to be around her again and the depressing blow back that for some reason follows is less severe. Which is a good sign. While that's reassuring that there is hope for a friendship to be salvaged from all of this, I'm having difficulty accepting that as an outcome. Deep within me, I want nothing more than to rebuild every bridge that I have burned between us and to be with her again, as a better man than I was. It is with absolute certainty that I am in love with her. I have never loved another human being as much as I love her and to be honest, I don't think I ever will love another like her.
She was the only person that I cared for that took a chance on me, saw something beyond the facade I veiled myself behind and loved me for it. She has shown me an enormous amount of patience, she was silly and I was able to be silly with her, she was kind to me and never asked for anything in return. She was a blessing, a gift that I callously discarded because I was too blinded by arrogance and pride to admit that I was capable of wrong doing. She had her flaws too, make no mistake, but it was my inability to accept mine that ultimately did us in. I will always loathe myself for the way I treated her. Even more so, because it took losing her for me to realize all of this.
I don't want to accept a future where she isn't by my side as my lover, my partner, and my best friend. I don't want to accept the likelihood that when enough time has passed and we sit down and talk about our future, that we're to stay on our own separate paths. I don't want to accept that if that is the case and we do go our separate ways, that she'll move on and be with another man. I don't want to face the fact that I may never love again and I don't think I ever will. But it's not fair to expect her to keep trusting me after all I put her through. Even if we do get back together, she'll never trust me wholeheartedly again. She'll take everything I say and do with a grain of salt, and become fiercely defensive if there's even the slightest instance of me being at all aggravated with her in any way. I'll be living my day to day life walking a very fine line between peace and war. That isn't the way to run a successful, loving relationship. Even with all of the changes I'm making, I don't think we'll ever be the same.
If separation is the reality I'm going to have to face, what do I do when I finally move on? Be with another woman? Please. Women never took me seriously. I'm not interesting enough to intrigue them. There's nothing about me that stands out for them. In the eyes of a woman, I'm an undesirable, a wretch. I exist to occupy open space and nothing more. I'm a novelty, a joke, a "nice" person. Nice...it's a deceitfully dreaded word that conjures no considerable value in describing the worth of a human being. It is the worst four letter word of them all, despite what you were raised to believe. Yet, that is all I'm doomed to be.
I don't want to accept any of this, I don't know if I have the strength or the will to. But no matter what reality I'm going to face, I have no choice but to accept it. The most terrifying thing of all, is that I don't know what it will be. And I have no choice but to wait and see.
Though I'm finally getting my shit together and dealing with my baggage I'm currently in a mild depression. I guess that's to be expected. As you would figure it has to do with Spiffy. After I last saw her two weeks ago I was a bit of an emotional cunt to her, blocking her to spare myself the pain of facing her or to hide myself from the reality that she's living her own life without me. At that point I apologized to her and swore to myself to not let my emotions get the better of me in making such brash decisions and to keep myself from hiding from reality. I'm done being an angry, angst-ridden asshole that cloisters himself in delusions of being infallible.
I'm human. I'm not perfect. I'm flawed. I do and will make mistakes but I will learn from them.
But as for what's making mildly depressed, it's a myriad of things. Here's how it all started...
Last night Robert invited me to his place just to hang out. He had mentioned Spiffy would be there, and naturally I was hesitant. Not so much the awkwardness but just the fear of something bad happening, like me saying something stupid and we get into a heated fight or me over-reacting to something she said. But...none of that happened.
Throughout that night we all made small talk about our plans for upcoming conventions, the goings on about people in our inner circle, we would laugh about internet videos and she would casually walk up to me with her tablet and show me a few of them, which was nice. She would make a snarky comment to herself or aloud to me on occasion, which I brushed off because I'm use to it from her, but other than that it was a nice evening. No tension, no drama. We left at the same time, bid each other a safe ride home, I told her that it was nice to see her, she returned the kind words, and we left.
At that point two things when through my mind throughout the ride home: First of which, I think I can handle being around her in social situations now. Which is paramount because A. We have A LOT of mutual friends and B. We're going to be spending the weekend together in Baltimore for Otakon. The fact that we're going to Otakon at the same time is almost the exact same situation we were in the last time we broke up. The only difference was then, she wasn't speaking to me at all. While we were there she was desperately trying to avoid me and I was desperately trying to work up the nerve to find her and speak to her, to no avail, and that I was sobbing the whole time because she was somewhere in that city and I couldn't fulfill my desire to look her in the eye and tell her how badly I wanted to be with her again. All the while, ruining the vibe for everyone else that I came with. This time, We're actually on somewhat good terms, though we both are still a little raw from the severity of the events that led to our separation. I can sense that she's still carrying a considerable amount of mistrust and hurt, but is calm and mature enough to not let it affect us all socially. I'm finding I am too, much to my surprise.
The other thing that crossed my mind and has stayed with me since then was the bitter reality of our current relationship and it's future. I'm finding that it is getting easier to be around her again and the depressing blow back that for some reason follows is less severe. Which is a good sign. While that's reassuring that there is hope for a friendship to be salvaged from all of this, I'm having difficulty accepting that as an outcome. Deep within me, I want nothing more than to rebuild every bridge that I have burned between us and to be with her again, as a better man than I was. It is with absolute certainty that I am in love with her. I have never loved another human being as much as I love her and to be honest, I don't think I ever will love another like her.
She was the only person that I cared for that took a chance on me, saw something beyond the facade I veiled myself behind and loved me for it. She has shown me an enormous amount of patience, she was silly and I was able to be silly with her, she was kind to me and never asked for anything in return. She was a blessing, a gift that I callously discarded because I was too blinded by arrogance and pride to admit that I was capable of wrong doing. She had her flaws too, make no mistake, but it was my inability to accept mine that ultimately did us in. I will always loathe myself for the way I treated her. Even more so, because it took losing her for me to realize all of this.
I don't want to accept a future where she isn't by my side as my lover, my partner, and my best friend. I don't want to accept the likelihood that when enough time has passed and we sit down and talk about our future, that we're to stay on our own separate paths. I don't want to accept that if that is the case and we do go our separate ways, that she'll move on and be with another man. I don't want to face the fact that I may never love again and I don't think I ever will. But it's not fair to expect her to keep trusting me after all I put her through. Even if we do get back together, she'll never trust me wholeheartedly again. She'll take everything I say and do with a grain of salt, and become fiercely defensive if there's even the slightest instance of me being at all aggravated with her in any way. I'll be living my day to day life walking a very fine line between peace and war. That isn't the way to run a successful, loving relationship. Even with all of the changes I'm making, I don't think we'll ever be the same.
If separation is the reality I'm going to have to face, what do I do when I finally move on? Be with another woman? Please. Women never took me seriously. I'm not interesting enough to intrigue them. There's nothing about me that stands out for them. In the eyes of a woman, I'm an undesirable, a wretch. I exist to occupy open space and nothing more. I'm a novelty, a joke, a "nice" person. Nice...it's a deceitfully dreaded word that conjures no considerable value in describing the worth of a human being. It is the worst four letter word of them all, despite what you were raised to believe. Yet, that is all I'm doomed to be.
I don't want to accept any of this, I don't know if I have the strength or the will to. But no matter what reality I'm going to face, I have no choice but to accept it. The most terrifying thing of all, is that I don't know what it will be. And I have no choice but to wait and see.