Know Thyself
I've been thinking and you know how dangerous that is. Be forewarned.
I was watching Seeing Other People, which I thought was quite good. The genesis of the story comes when the recently engaged Alice feels bad about her limited sexual experience, having only slept with 3 people. And with that number verging on becoming set in stone with a ring on her finger she decides she needs to fuck around a little bit. And she has to let her fiancé do the same of course and this is just a fantastic idea - for a movie. It's a god-awful idea for a relationship of course but that's beside the point.
Anyway the though that coalesced in my mind was not the dangers of fucking around (I am at no great risk) but the fallacy of comparing oneself to other people. Alice was quite pleased with her relationship and her life but when she compared it to her friends she felt she hadn't done enough sexually. And then she tried to be someone else and the results were disastrous.
You can't compare yourself to anyone else because YOU'RE NOT ANYONE ELSE. You are who you are. Get used to it. Learn to understand and love yourself as the perfect facet of humanity that you are.
I've spent a lot of time looking deeply into my own nature lately. Trying to understand who I am. Such a simple thing yet so difficult. In particular I'm trying to understand how I interact with other people.
It's becoming more evident as I think about it that I have Social Anxiety Disorder. I go to rather silly extremes to avoid social situations. I don't sweat profusely when forced to talk to strangers or anything but I try to avoid it if at all possible and will berate myself for days afterwards for minor missteps. I still remember stupid things I did in 3rd grade and still beat myself up about it.
Rather strange then isn't it that I end up in a job where I'm surrounded by people. And yet, although I'm in the middle of this swirling maelstrom of personalities I'm not really a part of it. As the dealer my job is to not be noticed, not affect the outcome. A way to be with people without having to be noticed. A little more tangible than my friends in books, on screens, or on CDs.
And there was always something very natural to me about playing poker. How is it that I felt a hundred times more comfortable at the poker table than I would at a dinner table with a half-dozen strangers even from the first time I ever played? I think it might be that the relationship between poker players no matter how jovial or polite it is, is fundamentally adversarial. And this is how I have approached people for years, with thick armor and a sharp sword.
I tend to look upon people with a harsh eye. I know people at work who automatically see the best in people. They actually enjoy meeting people and talking and shit. Me, I see people for their flaws first and dwell on them. The ones I see the most and annoy me the most are stupidity, laziness and egotism. Of the three I think stupidity irks me the most. And everyone is stupid at one point or another. Myself included, most certainly.
When I talk to people, not just exchanging information or pleasantries, but actual conversations the thing that stands out to me is that my internal monologue rarely stops and typically overwhelms whatever the other person has to say. Although I say little I'm still a shitty listener too captivated by my own thoughts.
What I say always seems to be met with... not confusion but they don't quite get it. I see things differently; maybe because I spend so much time on my own but I don't conform to the accepted thought patterns of 99% of the population. Unless I talk about football or something banal. "That LaDainian Tomlinson, he's a good runningback." Yup. Yup.
I've given up hope that I will ever fit in with any group of people. I'm just too much of a non-conformist I think; too weird. I still hold one great hope, which is that I'll find one person, just one person that I can talk with and feel like there's a real understanding. That this person would be my wife and I wouldn't have to be alone for the rest of my life. Cliché to be sure, but true. And my greatest fear is that this hope backfires.
In the end women will choose the man who makes them feel the most loved. Men will choose the woman they love the most. A subtle but powerful and complementary difference. And my fear is that with my harsh eyes and withdrawn, offbeat personality I will never love anyone. Or that should I find that person they will reject me - probably because I know it'll be hard for me to express my affection enough for her to stop and pick me. And I'm so certain that I will never find another. There aren't enough needles in the haystack. I feel like the odds are so against me, is it worth trying? But is there anything else to do?
I was watching Seeing Other People, which I thought was quite good. The genesis of the story comes when the recently engaged Alice feels bad about her limited sexual experience, having only slept with 3 people. And with that number verging on becoming set in stone with a ring on her finger she decides she needs to fuck around a little bit. And she has to let her fiancé do the same of course and this is just a fantastic idea - for a movie. It's a god-awful idea for a relationship of course but that's beside the point.
Anyway the though that coalesced in my mind was not the dangers of fucking around (I am at no great risk) but the fallacy of comparing oneself to other people. Alice was quite pleased with her relationship and her life but when she compared it to her friends she felt she hadn't done enough sexually. And then she tried to be someone else and the results were disastrous.
You can't compare yourself to anyone else because YOU'RE NOT ANYONE ELSE. You are who you are. Get used to it. Learn to understand and love yourself as the perfect facet of humanity that you are.
I've spent a lot of time looking deeply into my own nature lately. Trying to understand who I am. Such a simple thing yet so difficult. In particular I'm trying to understand how I interact with other people.
It's becoming more evident as I think about it that I have Social Anxiety Disorder. I go to rather silly extremes to avoid social situations. I don't sweat profusely when forced to talk to strangers or anything but I try to avoid it if at all possible and will berate myself for days afterwards for minor missteps. I still remember stupid things I did in 3rd grade and still beat myself up about it.
Rather strange then isn't it that I end up in a job where I'm surrounded by people. And yet, although I'm in the middle of this swirling maelstrom of personalities I'm not really a part of it. As the dealer my job is to not be noticed, not affect the outcome. A way to be with people without having to be noticed. A little more tangible than my friends in books, on screens, or on CDs.
And there was always something very natural to me about playing poker. How is it that I felt a hundred times more comfortable at the poker table than I would at a dinner table with a half-dozen strangers even from the first time I ever played? I think it might be that the relationship between poker players no matter how jovial or polite it is, is fundamentally adversarial. And this is how I have approached people for years, with thick armor and a sharp sword.
I tend to look upon people with a harsh eye. I know people at work who automatically see the best in people. They actually enjoy meeting people and talking and shit. Me, I see people for their flaws first and dwell on them. The ones I see the most and annoy me the most are stupidity, laziness and egotism. Of the three I think stupidity irks me the most. And everyone is stupid at one point or another. Myself included, most certainly.
When I talk to people, not just exchanging information or pleasantries, but actual conversations the thing that stands out to me is that my internal monologue rarely stops and typically overwhelms whatever the other person has to say. Although I say little I'm still a shitty listener too captivated by my own thoughts.
What I say always seems to be met with... not confusion but they don't quite get it. I see things differently; maybe because I spend so much time on my own but I don't conform to the accepted thought patterns of 99% of the population. Unless I talk about football or something banal. "That LaDainian Tomlinson, he's a good runningback." Yup. Yup.
I've given up hope that I will ever fit in with any group of people. I'm just too much of a non-conformist I think; too weird. I still hold one great hope, which is that I'll find one person, just one person that I can talk with and feel like there's a real understanding. That this person would be my wife and I wouldn't have to be alone for the rest of my life. Cliché to be sure, but true. And my greatest fear is that this hope backfires.
In the end women will choose the man who makes them feel the most loved. Men will choose the woman they love the most. A subtle but powerful and complementary difference. And my fear is that with my harsh eyes and withdrawn, offbeat personality I will never love anyone. Or that should I find that person they will reject me - probably because I know it'll be hard for me to express my affection enough for her to stop and pick me. And I'm so certain that I will never find another. There aren't enough needles in the haystack. I feel like the odds are so against me, is it worth trying? But is there anything else to do?