Left out in the Cold
Do NOT misunderstand me. I do NOT wish I was the one getting married. Perhaps that is actually why I am so....upset? lonely? jealous?
All of my friends are getting married. Everyone I know is getting engaged.
I am not ready to grow up. I always thought I would be married by 26. 2 years later, I'm still a baby. I have no direction in my life. I saw a secret on post secret that made me want to cry. "Sometimes I wish I would die under tragic circumstances while I'm still young so people will remember me for everything I could have been, instead of growing older and failing to live up to the expectations set for me." Sometimes I think its too late for me to die before failing to live up their expectations. Maybe it's only my expectations of myself.
I am not being suicidal.
I am very happy for my friends. They've found someone they can be happy with for the rest of their lives, someone they want to share their lives with.
But, I am selfish. What about me? Who am I supposed to share my life with when they are all too busy doing couple things, FAMILY things?
I am 600 miles away from my parents. I am pushing 30 in a college town -- I have no more single friends. I am pushing 30. Aren't I supposed to be settling down? Growing up? Starting my own family?
I already feel like I am a disappointment to my dying mother. I just wanted to make her proud of me. I wanted to accomplish the things she wasn't able to accomplish. And now, she's likely to pass away before I am able to get that degree. And now, she's likely to pass while I'm still single, waiting to find Mr. Right.
And all my friends are finding Mr(s). Right. It is a constant reminder of how far behind I really am. Ironic. I started kindergarten early. I graduated high school early. I graduated college, with a bachelor degree, at 20 years old. And now I'm the one falling behind.
I neither want to, nor can allow myself to take the plunge for the sake of getting married soon. I have issues. Issues with myself. I cannot be trusted. My heart is a stupid, foolish thing. As much as I'd love for my mother to be at my wedding, I cannot marry the next guy that comes along just to make that happen. I must marry for love. Love, which is fickle. Love is so goddamn confusing that I get lost inside of it.
I love my boyfriend. I think. I worry that I love the idea of my boyfriend.
I was getting used to being alone. I had a system, a schedule. I did yoga in the mornings, swam in the evenings. I made myself lunch every morning, dinner every night. I brushed and flossed before going to bed. I cleaned my apartment every weekend and did my laundry every other weekend. I don't know if I was happy. I was content though. I found comfort in my schedule. It kept me occupied long enough to not have to consider whether or not I was happy.
I don't have a schedule anymore. I tried to take on too much at school. And I acquired this boyfriend. I skipped yoga to enjoy a few more moments cuddling in the morning. I didn't have time to clean because I was with him. Take out dinner became easier, because he's a vegetarian.
I've gained back 10 pounds this semester. I don't blame him.
He annoys me. He still has his schedule. He goes to Karate every Tuesday and Thursday. He brushes his teeth every single night. He takes his shoes off when he comes in at night. I am jealous that he still has his schedule. I am jealous that he's smarter than me. He actually has a degree in something useful...and should have his PhD within the year. I am jealous that he's in better shape than me. He swims better than me in just a few months, runs more often... I am jealous that he is nicer than me. FINALLY, I am not dating an asshole. But it's true, girls really do like assholes. I think they make us feel better about ourselves. Now, all the relationship problems are my fault. I am the asshole. I HATE being the asshole.
And thank GOD for Pete. He definitely taught me how to apologize. For everything. ALL the time. It was good practice. Now I need to apologize. For everything. All the time.
The fight on my birthday...my fault.
The awkward sex...my fault.
The pre-Thanksgiving tension...my fault.
I'm scared of not being overwhelmed with school. What will my excuse be then for being such a bitch all the time?
The rose colored glasses have come off. I have no idea what to do. On the one hand, I could wait it out...these things are natural in a relationship. On the other hand, I have a tragic history of waiting it out too long. I've dated guys for 3+ years, knowing at least the last 2 years that I didn't love him anymore.
And I do love the idea of a boyfriend. Without him, I am back a square one. Pushing 30 in a college-kid dominated town. There is no real boyfriend potential here. As my friends are proving, this is the age they're all getting married, not starting brand new relationships.
I'm stuck in Blacksburg for another 4 years or so. I don't really think I want to be 32 and starting a relationship with my future husband. My track record being what it is, I know I'm not the kind of girl to say yes to a marriage proposal within a couple of years. So...35 before I even have the potential for marriage? Kids of my own are getting further out of the realm of possibility.
I don't want to be one of those people that needs a marriage to be happy in life. And it's not that I'm looking for a marriage to solve my problems and make me happy. But, I would like to find the love of my life. I'd like, so very much, to grow old with someone, have a family to share myself with. I feel like I have a lot to offer a family. I have a LOT of love that I am dying to give...you are free to think that cheesy, but it's painfully true.
I LOVE Christmas. I HATE getting presents. I love Christmas because I LOVE to get gifts for the people I love. I will spend every last dime I have just to keep buying presents for the people I love. If I had more time, I would work my fingers to the bone to make presents for the people I love. I want, more than anything else, for the people I love to have everything their little hearts desire. And I want them to know that I would give it to them if it was in my power.
I think I'd make a good wife. No, I hope I'd make a good wife. I am pretty sure I'd make a good mother. I really think I'd make a great grandmother. I am a good Aunt. I want to be an awesome Aunt. But, I am not content with just being the cool Aunt. I want my own family. Now it is I who wants to live up to (and exceed) the standard my sister has set. Does she realize that the tables are turned? If she did, would she hate me a little less?
Still, I don't think I'm ready yet. I still have a lot of growing up to do. I want a real degree. I want a real job.
I want to know that this thing with my boyfriend is normal and okay. I want to be in love. I do love him. I think I could make a happy life with him...if he would just give me a little space sometimes. I want to know that I will love him forever. But I can't be trusted. My heart is a stupid, foolish thing. (I know I've repeated myself.) I want to know that I'm not trying to convince myself to stay in love with him because my mother is dying and all my friends are getting married. I am not trying to convince myself to stay in love with him, am I?
This is normal. 6-8 months: Everything they do annoys us. We've become so complacent that we wonder if we've lost the spark forever.
I've messed up the timeline a bit. I was so stressed out with school that I maybe attributed the first hints of a lull to school stress. And also, in the real world, relationships never seem to move as slowly (at first) as they do in magazines. 3-6 months before you start meeting each other's friends? Whatever.
This is normal.
I am not. I am bat-shit fucking crazy.
All of my friends are getting married. Everyone I know is getting engaged.
I am not ready to grow up. I always thought I would be married by 26. 2 years later, I'm still a baby. I have no direction in my life. I saw a secret on post secret that made me want to cry. "Sometimes I wish I would die under tragic circumstances while I'm still young so people will remember me for everything I could have been, instead of growing older and failing to live up to the expectations set for me." Sometimes I think its too late for me to die before failing to live up their expectations. Maybe it's only my expectations of myself.
I am not being suicidal.
I am very happy for my friends. They've found someone they can be happy with for the rest of their lives, someone they want to share their lives with.
But, I am selfish. What about me? Who am I supposed to share my life with when they are all too busy doing couple things, FAMILY things?
I am 600 miles away from my parents. I am pushing 30 in a college town -- I have no more single friends. I am pushing 30. Aren't I supposed to be settling down? Growing up? Starting my own family?
I already feel like I am a disappointment to my dying mother. I just wanted to make her proud of me. I wanted to accomplish the things she wasn't able to accomplish. And now, she's likely to pass away before I am able to get that degree. And now, she's likely to pass while I'm still single, waiting to find Mr. Right.
And all my friends are finding Mr(s). Right. It is a constant reminder of how far behind I really am. Ironic. I started kindergarten early. I graduated high school early. I graduated college, with a bachelor degree, at 20 years old. And now I'm the one falling behind.
I neither want to, nor can allow myself to take the plunge for the sake of getting married soon. I have issues. Issues with myself. I cannot be trusted. My heart is a stupid, foolish thing. As much as I'd love for my mother to be at my wedding, I cannot marry the next guy that comes along just to make that happen. I must marry for love. Love, which is fickle. Love is so goddamn confusing that I get lost inside of it.
I love my boyfriend. I think. I worry that I love the idea of my boyfriend.
I was getting used to being alone. I had a system, a schedule. I did yoga in the mornings, swam in the evenings. I made myself lunch every morning, dinner every night. I brushed and flossed before going to bed. I cleaned my apartment every weekend and did my laundry every other weekend. I don't know if I was happy. I was content though. I found comfort in my schedule. It kept me occupied long enough to not have to consider whether or not I was happy.
I don't have a schedule anymore. I tried to take on too much at school. And I acquired this boyfriend. I skipped yoga to enjoy a few more moments cuddling in the morning. I didn't have time to clean because I was with him. Take out dinner became easier, because he's a vegetarian.
I've gained back 10 pounds this semester. I don't blame him.
He annoys me. He still has his schedule. He goes to Karate every Tuesday and Thursday. He brushes his teeth every single night. He takes his shoes off when he comes in at night. I am jealous that he still has his schedule. I am jealous that he's smarter than me. He actually has a degree in something useful...and should have his PhD within the year. I am jealous that he's in better shape than me. He swims better than me in just a few months, runs more often... I am jealous that he is nicer than me. FINALLY, I am not dating an asshole. But it's true, girls really do like assholes. I think they make us feel better about ourselves. Now, all the relationship problems are my fault. I am the asshole. I HATE being the asshole.
And thank GOD for Pete. He definitely taught me how to apologize. For everything. ALL the time. It was good practice. Now I need to apologize. For everything. All the time.
The fight on my birthday...my fault.
The awkward sex...my fault.
The pre-Thanksgiving tension...my fault.
I'm scared of not being overwhelmed with school. What will my excuse be then for being such a bitch all the time?
The rose colored glasses have come off. I have no idea what to do. On the one hand, I could wait it out...these things are natural in a relationship. On the other hand, I have a tragic history of waiting it out too long. I've dated guys for 3+ years, knowing at least the last 2 years that I didn't love him anymore.
And I do love the idea of a boyfriend. Without him, I am back a square one. Pushing 30 in a college-kid dominated town. There is no real boyfriend potential here. As my friends are proving, this is the age they're all getting married, not starting brand new relationships.
I'm stuck in Blacksburg for another 4 years or so. I don't really think I want to be 32 and starting a relationship with my future husband. My track record being what it is, I know I'm not the kind of girl to say yes to a marriage proposal within a couple of years. So...35 before I even have the potential for marriage? Kids of my own are getting further out of the realm of possibility.
I don't want to be one of those people that needs a marriage to be happy in life. And it's not that I'm looking for a marriage to solve my problems and make me happy. But, I would like to find the love of my life. I'd like, so very much, to grow old with someone, have a family to share myself with. I feel like I have a lot to offer a family. I have a LOT of love that I am dying to give...you are free to think that cheesy, but it's painfully true.
I LOVE Christmas. I HATE getting presents. I love Christmas because I LOVE to get gifts for the people I love. I will spend every last dime I have just to keep buying presents for the people I love. If I had more time, I would work my fingers to the bone to make presents for the people I love. I want, more than anything else, for the people I love to have everything their little hearts desire. And I want them to know that I would give it to them if it was in my power.
I think I'd make a good wife. No, I hope I'd make a good wife. I am pretty sure I'd make a good mother. I really think I'd make a great grandmother. I am a good Aunt. I want to be an awesome Aunt. But, I am not content with just being the cool Aunt. I want my own family. Now it is I who wants to live up to (and exceed) the standard my sister has set. Does she realize that the tables are turned? If she did, would she hate me a little less?
Still, I don't think I'm ready yet. I still have a lot of growing up to do. I want a real degree. I want a real job.
I want to know that this thing with my boyfriend is normal and okay. I want to be in love. I do love him. I think I could make a happy life with him...if he would just give me a little space sometimes. I want to know that I will love him forever. But I can't be trusted. My heart is a stupid, foolish thing. (I know I've repeated myself.) I want to know that I'm not trying to convince myself to stay in love with him because my mother is dying and all my friends are getting married. I am not trying to convince myself to stay in love with him, am I?
This is normal. 6-8 months: Everything they do annoys us. We've become so complacent that we wonder if we've lost the spark forever.
I've messed up the timeline a bit. I was so stressed out with school that I maybe attributed the first hints of a lull to school stress. And also, in the real world, relationships never seem to move as slowly (at first) as they do in magazines. 3-6 months before you start meeting each other's friends? Whatever.
This is normal.
I am not. I am bat-shit fucking crazy.