(no subject)
I don't know what I'm supposed to do at this point.
I just want this all to be over-any way possible.
Yeah... I can't get the thoughts out of my head.
I admit it, following this morning's impulsive actions, I am struck now by guilt and self-loathing, and yes, suicidal thoughts.
I have no intention of acting on them, because that's the weak way out. But I just took an antidepressant this morning, and I think I just have to wait for that to wear off. I think thats what's doing this to me. I was told that the symptoms included impulsiveness, restlessness and an increase in suicidal thoughts, so yeah... it makes sense.
I just can't believe how badly I've fucked things up. James is put in a weird position here, I know, but I wish he would just out and say what he was thinking... I know he has to be thinking SOMETHING. not just "I dunno" or "No idea" when I know there are plenty of ideas in his head right now.
I just can't stop thinking. Thinking makes it so much worse.
Everything is pain and head aches and every thought is a mirror I turn on myself, Gorgon I am, and turn my heart a little more into stone.
I flit from wanting to die to wanting to hide to wanting to wake up and find out this is just another of my dreams, but I don't. I hate myself so much. My eyes are red and my nose is snotty. I hate myself. I don't know how someone like James could ever love me, let alone forgive me for what I've done...
I just want this all to be over-any way possible.
Yeah... I can't get the thoughts out of my head.
I admit it, following this morning's impulsive actions, I am struck now by guilt and self-loathing, and yes, suicidal thoughts.
I have no intention of acting on them, because that's the weak way out. But I just took an antidepressant this morning, and I think I just have to wait for that to wear off. I think thats what's doing this to me. I was told that the symptoms included impulsiveness, restlessness and an increase in suicidal thoughts, so yeah... it makes sense.
I just can't believe how badly I've fucked things up. James is put in a weird position here, I know, but I wish he would just out and say what he was thinking... I know he has to be thinking SOMETHING. not just "I dunno" or "No idea" when I know there are plenty of ideas in his head right now.
I just can't stop thinking. Thinking makes it so much worse.
Everything is pain and head aches and every thought is a mirror I turn on myself, Gorgon I am, and turn my heart a little more into stone.
I flit from wanting to die to wanting to hide to wanting to wake up and find out this is just another of my dreams, but I don't. I hate myself so much. My eyes are red and my nose is snotty. I hate myself. I don't know how someone like James could ever love me, let alone forgive me for what I've done...