Journal Entry
I really like singing along. Loudly. And so I wasn't too sad when I realized everyone had already left for the game by the time I got back to the dorm (missing them by less than five minutes, actually). Eh. I'd picked some really neat flowers.
I'm reading more. I'm well into A Song of Ice and Fire and I am enjoying it, although parts drag.
I'm more internal now overall, though of course I would be, it took me near a year just to get to the level with Wes friends where I was comfortable asking to be in a housing group with them/you (I don't know who's reading this -- maybe nobody). I do like it here, though. And I was kinda prejudiced. Sorry, Christians. I guess most of you are okay. And at least one of you manages not to get offended at stuff like South Park, and that's kinda impressive. I do like the people here. Sometimes I even feel edgy, which is neat. Wesleyan has a way of making you feel not-very-contraversial which can be frustrating. There's also this whole getting-to-know-people jive that I somehow was missing after so long with people who already know me so well. It's kinda refreshing. Also, since we're all sciencey, everybody is pretty logical and reasonable, so discussions have a solid basis and aren't all, you know, weird.
I'm still depressed. My medication is supposed to make me less worry-y and less horny, but it has had the opposite effect on both counts. I think I'm still not over Josh, which is kinda weird, but I can give it to myself since he was my first real boyfriend. Actually, I know I'm not, and I also have this thing where I really want a boyfriend. Maybe I just want it more because I got a taste? Who knows. It's kind of strange, though; like, I'm mildly lovesick over every guy I meet. Man -- the Willow/Oz parallel continues to apply, huh?
Eh. I'm kinda down right now, so take everything con mucho sal. Mostly I'm enjoying joining with David to tease Melissa and Emily, watching numerous movies, having a cushy job that pays actual money, being all broadened and whatnot, and reading. Oh! And exercising. I walk every day now. The doctor recommended it for my mood. I'm optimistic about it -- like this time, maybe it'll actually stick. Like, hey, this could work. Really, everything would be going swimmingly, if it weren't for these meddling seratonin receptors, or whatever it is exactly (I forget). Well, them and the fact that I'm tired about 85% of the time.
I even got a career idea that I like! Well, not so much an idea as a narrowing-down. It has to do with medicine, public health, and medical charities. And reform. My idea is that I'm not going to be staying in the US. In fact, I'm not going to live in any developed nation. I'm off after school (which might involve a grad degree, an MD, or both, given my career choice), to somewhere wild and terrible, where someone with a good education can really do something important to help people. I must say, this is something I never expected. But when I thought of it, and considered it, it just got better and better. There was so much about living in the US that I wasn't looking forward to. Even some stuff that I didn't associate with living in the US. Just our way of live -- I'm not sure it suits me. Sure, it's comfortable (ooh, so comfortable), but if I lived my whole life like this, I don't think I could be satisfied. I've found that there's a lot our culture wants us to care about that I don't, and a lot that I'm not supposed to concern myself with that, well, concerns me. And after I'd had this idea, I realized it was the idea I was waiting for, and hoping but not expecting to have: the one I was just *sure* about, that made so much sense, and that would show me (to an extent) what I could do with my life that would, finally, make sense. I've found something that makes sense, even though I haven't hammered it all out yet. I just know, whatever it takes, I'll do it, an MD, a PhD, whatever.
I guess I tried to wrap that entry up prematurely. My career idea is big news, especially given my personal priorities (y'all know I'm very career-oriented and concerned with my "purpose"). So, now I have a clue. And for now, it's more than enough.
I'm reading more. I'm well into A Song of Ice and Fire and I am enjoying it, although parts drag.
I'm more internal now overall, though of course I would be, it took me near a year just to get to the level with Wes friends where I was comfortable asking to be in a housing group with them/you (I don't know who's reading this -- maybe nobody). I do like it here, though. And I was kinda prejudiced. Sorry, Christians. I guess most of you are okay. And at least one of you manages not to get offended at stuff like South Park, and that's kinda impressive. I do like the people here. Sometimes I even feel edgy, which is neat. Wesleyan has a way of making you feel not-very-contraversial which can be frustrating. There's also this whole getting-to-know-people jive that I somehow was missing after so long with people who already know me so well. It's kinda refreshing. Also, since we're all sciencey, everybody is pretty logical and reasonable, so discussions have a solid basis and aren't all, you know, weird.
I'm still depressed. My medication is supposed to make me less worry-y and less horny, but it has had the opposite effect on both counts. I think I'm still not over Josh, which is kinda weird, but I can give it to myself since he was my first real boyfriend. Actually, I know I'm not, and I also have this thing where I really want a boyfriend. Maybe I just want it more because I got a taste? Who knows. It's kind of strange, though; like, I'm mildly lovesick over every guy I meet. Man -- the Willow/Oz parallel continues to apply, huh?
Eh. I'm kinda down right now, so take everything con mucho sal. Mostly I'm enjoying joining with David to tease Melissa and Emily, watching numerous movies, having a cushy job that pays actual money, being all broadened and whatnot, and reading. Oh! And exercising. I walk every day now. The doctor recommended it for my mood. I'm optimistic about it -- like this time, maybe it'll actually stick. Like, hey, this could work. Really, everything would be going swimmingly, if it weren't for these meddling seratonin receptors, or whatever it is exactly (I forget). Well, them and the fact that I'm tired about 85% of the time.
I even got a career idea that I like! Well, not so much an idea as a narrowing-down. It has to do with medicine, public health, and medical charities. And reform. My idea is that I'm not going to be staying in the US. In fact, I'm not going to live in any developed nation. I'm off after school (which might involve a grad degree, an MD, or both, given my career choice), to somewhere wild and terrible, where someone with a good education can really do something important to help people. I must say, this is something I never expected. But when I thought of it, and considered it, it just got better and better. There was so much about living in the US that I wasn't looking forward to. Even some stuff that I didn't associate with living in the US. Just our way of live -- I'm not sure it suits me. Sure, it's comfortable (ooh, so comfortable), but if I lived my whole life like this, I don't think I could be satisfied. I've found that there's a lot our culture wants us to care about that I don't, and a lot that I'm not supposed to concern myself with that, well, concerns me. And after I'd had this idea, I realized it was the idea I was waiting for, and hoping but not expecting to have: the one I was just *sure* about, that made so much sense, and that would show me (to an extent) what I could do with my life that would, finally, make sense. I've found something that makes sense, even though I haven't hammered it all out yet. I just know, whatever it takes, I'll do it, an MD, a PhD, whatever.
I guess I tried to wrap that entry up prematurely. My career idea is big news, especially given my personal priorities (y'all know I'm very career-oriented and concerned with my "purpose"). So, now I have a clue. And for now, it's more than enough.