The Very Secret Diary of Excalibur, Sword of King Arthur
(Editor's Note: Found in Glastonbury, bound in seaweed at the shore of a certain lake. There are more excerpts, but these are the most striking. The implications if this text is authentic are staggering, yet, how could a sword write a book?)
The Diary of Excalibur
Day 1
Big battle today. Arthur pulled me out and I did that trick where I catch the light and blind enemies (God I love doing that). Did really great today, it looks like we beat seven or eight armies all at once. Arthur's a pretty cool kid, I keep trying to talk to him but he's always writing me off as a vision or something Merlin is doing. Tell you the truth, I don't like that white-bearded freak at all. He never bathes or changes his robe, and he smells like patchouli. Oh well, i'm sure Arthur's going to ditch him soon, he's bad news. Maybe after he's gone I he and I can finally have a chat.
Day 1003
Arthur hasn't pulled me out of his damn scabbard in almost a year now. The only thing he ever uses me for is tapping his buddies on the shoulder (what is up with that, anyway?) The Little King has no time for his sword, instead he spends all day feasing and demanding to see something weird before he can eat. Guess what, i'm a MAGICAL TALKING SWORD, jackass, aren't I weird enough? But no, everytime I get close to Arthur that damn wizard shows up as a crow or a squirrel or some stupid animal, and Arthur just goes nuts for it. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, he was dumb enough to marry that Gwen woman. I don't like her - there's something shifty about her eyes. I hope I get to fight somebody soon, or else one night I am going to slide out of this scabbard inch by inch and cut Arthur's throat. Merlin's, too.
Day 1107
Last night, I woke up right around the moon's zenith, and in the light I could see that Gwenivere was gone. Took me near an hour to squeeze out of my scabbard enough to hear what was going on around the castle (I have very good hearing in open air, but i'm half-deaf in that damn sheath.) I could hear Gwenivere down the hall, like she was in the room with the Round Table. She was mumbling something to a person I couldn't hear, then they started in on some big THUMP-ing noise, like they were both jumping up and down on top of the table. I was surprised it didn't wake up Arthur. Then it stopped, and I heard Gwen say something like, "no, do me on the Siege Perilous" and I didn't hear anything after that. Was she fighting somebody? I tried to tell Arthur about it all morning, but Merlin came by as a lemur and they both left for the day.
Day 1109
Yeah, Gwenivere is fucking Lancelot. Also, i'm pretty sure Merlin knows all about it, and is trying to keep Arthur from finding out.
Day 1271
Some kid named Galahad showed up today at dinner. Everybody was shouting a lot (I couldn't hear a thing through all of it), then the kid leaves and comes back with a sword and everybody quiets back down. Nice sword, too, but not as nice as me. Arthur took me out and hit the kid on the shoulder (a brief moment of fun for me), then they all headed out to find some cup. We've got thousands of damn cups in Camelot, but Arthur sends out every single knight to get yet another one. Sometimes I wonder if Merlin hasn't driven him completely out of his head.
Day 1553
Ho ho, the secret is out! Everybody knows about Gwenivere's little "trysts" with Lancelot. He ran off to his own castle to hide, but Arthur seems to tired to even care. He's so busy all the time, not even Merlin seems to be able to cheer him up (not that i'm upset about that.) Frankly, i'm worried about Arthur's health. He's older and fatter than he was the last time he wielded me, and there's only so much help I can give him. I don't know if he'll be able to use me right in battle again, if this Lancelot thing comes to war. He should have been listening to me the whole time, not that charlatan Merlin.
Day 1589
Stood on the battlements with Arthur most of the day. There's an army coming, a big one. Some guy named Mordred is at the command. Merlin's gone, and so's Gwen. I think she ran off to be with Lancelot, but maybe she got kidnapped again. I tried to tell Arthur last night he was better off without her, but he just woke up in a cold sweat, screaming about some guy named Gawain (I think he was one of the ones I hit in the shoulder, maybe. There's been so many, but I remember him.) On the one hand, i'm about to get to fight again, but it's looking more and more like Arthur's not going to be able to handle this.
Day 1590
Arthur's dying. It serves him right, the idiot. As soon as the battle started, he charged straight at Mordred, and didn't give me any time to blind him or use my magic. Stupid move. He stabbed me into Mordred's chest, but Mordred got him right back in the neck before I could wrench myself free to block. I thought for a minute Mordred might take me (he looked like he could've been more fun), but I hit him pretty hard. He's dead. Arthur can't talk from the wound, so I used his voice to tell his squire to us the hell out of here before some filthy robber loots us (and me.) "Take me to the Lake," I said, and for once, somebody listened.
Day 1591
Arthur got picked up by a boat. Good riddance, I say. Had him tell the squire to chuck me back in the Lake. It took him three fucking tries - I thought I was going to have cut off his hand and wriggle to the shore, but he finally threw me in. Of course the Lady of the Lake was waiting to catch me and pull me back into the deeps. She's kind of a bitch, but at least she keeps me clean and in good repair, unlike some people I could name. Anyway, it's good to be home again, even if it means a break from fighting. That Arthur guy was a tool. I'm sure no one but me is going to remember him.
The Diary of Excalibur
Day 1
Big battle today. Arthur pulled me out and I did that trick where I catch the light and blind enemies (God I love doing that). Did really great today, it looks like we beat seven or eight armies all at once. Arthur's a pretty cool kid, I keep trying to talk to him but he's always writing me off as a vision or something Merlin is doing. Tell you the truth, I don't like that white-bearded freak at all. He never bathes or changes his robe, and he smells like patchouli. Oh well, i'm sure Arthur's going to ditch him soon, he's bad news. Maybe after he's gone I he and I can finally have a chat.
Day 1003
Arthur hasn't pulled me out of his damn scabbard in almost a year now. The only thing he ever uses me for is tapping his buddies on the shoulder (what is up with that, anyway?) The Little King has no time for his sword, instead he spends all day feasing and demanding to see something weird before he can eat. Guess what, i'm a MAGICAL TALKING SWORD, jackass, aren't I weird enough? But no, everytime I get close to Arthur that damn wizard shows up as a crow or a squirrel or some stupid animal, and Arthur just goes nuts for it. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, he was dumb enough to marry that Gwen woman. I don't like her - there's something shifty about her eyes. I hope I get to fight somebody soon, or else one night I am going to slide out of this scabbard inch by inch and cut Arthur's throat. Merlin's, too.
Day 1107
Last night, I woke up right around the moon's zenith, and in the light I could see that Gwenivere was gone. Took me near an hour to squeeze out of my scabbard enough to hear what was going on around the castle (I have very good hearing in open air, but i'm half-deaf in that damn sheath.) I could hear Gwenivere down the hall, like she was in the room with the Round Table. She was mumbling something to a person I couldn't hear, then they started in on some big THUMP-ing noise, like they were both jumping up and down on top of the table. I was surprised it didn't wake up Arthur. Then it stopped, and I heard Gwen say something like, "no, do me on the Siege Perilous" and I didn't hear anything after that. Was she fighting somebody? I tried to tell Arthur about it all morning, but Merlin came by as a lemur and they both left for the day.
Day 1109
Yeah, Gwenivere is fucking Lancelot. Also, i'm pretty sure Merlin knows all about it, and is trying to keep Arthur from finding out.
Day 1271
Some kid named Galahad showed up today at dinner. Everybody was shouting a lot (I couldn't hear a thing through all of it), then the kid leaves and comes back with a sword and everybody quiets back down. Nice sword, too, but not as nice as me. Arthur took me out and hit the kid on the shoulder (a brief moment of fun for me), then they all headed out to find some cup. We've got thousands of damn cups in Camelot, but Arthur sends out every single knight to get yet another one. Sometimes I wonder if Merlin hasn't driven him completely out of his head.
Day 1553
Ho ho, the secret is out! Everybody knows about Gwenivere's little "trysts" with Lancelot. He ran off to his own castle to hide, but Arthur seems to tired to even care. He's so busy all the time, not even Merlin seems to be able to cheer him up (not that i'm upset about that.) Frankly, i'm worried about Arthur's health. He's older and fatter than he was the last time he wielded me, and there's only so much help I can give him. I don't know if he'll be able to use me right in battle again, if this Lancelot thing comes to war. He should have been listening to me the whole time, not that charlatan Merlin.
Day 1589
Stood on the battlements with Arthur most of the day. There's an army coming, a big one. Some guy named Mordred is at the command. Merlin's gone, and so's Gwen. I think she ran off to be with Lancelot, but maybe she got kidnapped again. I tried to tell Arthur last night he was better off without her, but he just woke up in a cold sweat, screaming about some guy named Gawain (I think he was one of the ones I hit in the shoulder, maybe. There's been so many, but I remember him.) On the one hand, i'm about to get to fight again, but it's looking more and more like Arthur's not going to be able to handle this.
Day 1590
Arthur's dying. It serves him right, the idiot. As soon as the battle started, he charged straight at Mordred, and didn't give me any time to blind him or use my magic. Stupid move. He stabbed me into Mordred's chest, but Mordred got him right back in the neck before I could wrench myself free to block. I thought for a minute Mordred might take me (he looked like he could've been more fun), but I hit him pretty hard. He's dead. Arthur can't talk from the wound, so I used his voice to tell his squire to us the hell out of here before some filthy robber loots us (and me.) "Take me to the Lake," I said, and for once, somebody listened.
Day 1591
Arthur got picked up by a boat. Good riddance, I say. Had him tell the squire to chuck me back in the Lake. It took him three fucking tries - I thought I was going to have cut off his hand and wriggle to the shore, but he finally threw me in. Of course the Lady of the Lake was waiting to catch me and pull me back into the deeps. She's kind of a bitch, but at least she keeps me clean and in good repair, unlike some people I could name. Anyway, it's good to be home again, even if it means a break from fighting. That Arthur guy was a tool. I'm sure no one but me is going to remember him.