I don't know.
Today is seven months. Wow, I can’t believe anyone would want to be with me for this long. I feel like I’m hurting inside but I don’t know what it is. Things should be perfect, but there not. Karl and I argue, all the time. Most of the time it’s over really stupid stuff and we shouldn’t get so worked up over it, but we do. I feel like all we share is the physical aspect of the relationship. We don’t talk anymore, and I hate that. Last night he came over to show me his car and we went to the theater with Brittany, Trejo, Dan, and Vida. The whole time we were by each other, but I felt like I wasn’t really there. We didn’t talk in the car, we didn’t talk while we were at the theater. I just don’t get it. Aren’t couples supposed to have conversations all the time? I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel or what I’m supposed to do. Every time we argue I have this fear that he is just going to say forget this and leave me on the side of the road. Just little things make him so mad. He tells me I should “learn” what not to say in front of him so he doesn’t get mad. I feel like he is always hiding from me. I’m always learning new things about him every day and that just makes me think what else is he hiding? Why doesn’t he tell me? Then there is Tammy. I always have the thought of her in the back of my mind. It doesn’t help that her name is right next to mine in Karl’s phone or that he still talks to her or that I constantly see her name when he receives text messages. I just have so many questions and it kills me. Why does he still have to talk to her? What exactly went on between them? Why can’t he tell me? Does he still see her? Why does he like her? Can he talk to her, have conversations with her, unlike when he is with me? I just care about him so much and I don’t know what the future holds but I wish I did, I know I want to be with him forever but what’s going to happen after the summer? College is supposed to be fun, I know I’ll be miserable. I feel like I like him more than he likes me. I don’t know why but I do. He just doesn’t make me feel special anymore. He never compliments me, and I wish he would. I know its hard to make someone change, and I love that were so different from each other, but I wish that there were more things that we both liked to do, more experiences to share with each other. I wish we saw things the same way and I wish we would stop arguing. I wish he would just hold me.