(no subject)
I don't really know how to react. I feel i need to say something because of the last post i made. I went to see ben yesterday to talk. I put my away message up saying i was going for the whole weekend to ben's but i wasn't, that was an old away message that i didn't feel like editing. he was supposed to hang out with friends last night so i was going to go over there until he had to leave. but they never called so he let me stay the night. we cried a lot. my whole life has been turned upside down. we went from spending every waking moment together, except for when he or I had something to do, but as soon as we were done we were right back together. we stayed the night together every night because we wanted to be with each other all the time. it was just so natural. then all of a sudden he doesn't want to come home. and then we have the talk on the phone that he's thinking about breaking up because he's scared. when i went and talked to him he said one comment that made me cry without stopping for 20 mins. i mean hard core sobbing say oh god oh god!!! he said that the more he's with me the more i remind him of his sister. i took that as... i love you like a sister. we talked, we cried, we realized the amount of stress built up. we figured out some of his fears and how to help them. i made him realize that i feel totally helpless. victimized. i thought we had a great life and then all of a sudden he decides to throw a monkey wrench without any warning. he swears it's not me it's his own fears and not knowing what he wants. so i feel like i can't do anything to help... i just play this waiting game. is he going to want to continue with me after this stress passes, or is he throwing in the towel now? but like i said we talked. we made love... and talked a hell of a lot more after that happened. and things are better. they aren't cured. but we aren't breaking up. we are going to go back to the way things were when he worked at circuit city. where he was doing his business up there and i was doing mine here and then we saw each other mostly on the weekends. and just whenever we had time during the week as well. this will be good cause i can finish strong in school, i've been slacking recently. and of course he can get all his money and job shit on track. and you know distance makes the heart grow fonder. he says he doesn't want to break up, and he doesn't want anything to change, he's happy with who he is, with who i am, and with our relationship as a whole. I think recently with all the talk of graduation, living with him, meeting my dad in a month, all that... really pushed his insecurities of getting married again over the edge. even though nothing like that will happen for at least 5 years. i understand it. I have also taken a silent oath to take better care of myself and how i live. this oath is silent because he doesn't think there is anything different in the way he feels for me, or the way i act or anthing. he doesn't think i have changed and that's not the reason for all this. but you never know, my being lazy or my messiness may be effecting him subconsciously. and it's good for me to want to take better care of myself. I'm going to start that today. I'm going to clean my room and do all my laundry and clean my bathroom. especially since he clogged my drain like a month ago and my sink now doesn't work. but yeah. I'm going to stop leaving dishes in my room. I'm going to go to class and be active in important things again. all this will really have no effect on him personally, but it will help everyone in the long run. now i won't be embarrassed when friends come over. random side note... i think i'm allergic to my deoderant :( I don't want to get into details but my underarms do not look, feel, or smell right and I wear this deoderant all the time everywhere. and this didn't start until i bought it and started using it over spring break. ok... i think i'm done talking about ben. i think we'll be ok. it just hurts to think of the way things used to be... especially when i think really far back of how we were last summer. he wrote me love letters, he would spend hours holding me, he always wanted to kiss me, he held my hand everywhere, when we slept he wanted to always be in contact with me, he showered me with affection. last night was so hard because he didn't want me hanging on him, he gave me peck kisses and only when i asked for them and moved his face to mine. it's hard. over the summer we used to make love up to 10 times a day...now it's like once every 10 days and i have to beg for it...and when i get it, it last about 5-15 mins and he never takes the scenic route... it's always right to it, he's done, he sleeps... and i'm left thinking... but i didn't...um... oh never mind maybe next time. those sort of things still make me cry. i really hope this is a phase and we can build from it. i'm so tired of crying. but at least now i'm not worried sick with suspicion and crying because i can't figure it out. I was crying every 2 minutes for 24 hours. but now i only cry when i think of how different things have become. i still think... what did i do wrong?