(no subject)
Amanda... It's 2:36am and i can't sleep. I have to wake up at 6am to get ready for class. I went over to see my friend alexa tonight because i was feeling bummed about ben and i wanted to talk to her about it. on the way over ben called me and i was able to pull it out of him... oh god i never saw it coming :( i was completely blindsided. we cried on the phone together all night. i'm just now done talking to him for the night. he doesn't know what he wants. he doesn't want to hurt me in the future. he is afraid that we'll be living together in Tally and then he'll decide to date someone else or something that would hurt me and then our lives would be shattered... so he's contemplating breaking up now to insure he never hurts me. his stress and insecurity is cracking him. he swears to me it's not me, it's him. he has to straighten all the crap out in his head because he doesn't know what he wants. so he went to bradenton and he doesn't want to come back until he knows. i told him to come home and talk to me this weekend... i want him to see what he is doing. i want to help him see the result of his stress. and i want to help him through it. he cries so hard when he tells me he loves me. he is hurting so much. i know this isn't want he wants. he's just scared. and he even admitted it. he said he doesn't know what he wants because he's scared. i told him that if he needs time to spend up in bradenton and straighten his jobs and life out and see me less often, then we can do it. he can focus on his jobs and i can focus on school. then once his stress has gone we can be together more often. god i just never saw any of this coming. the relationship of my lifetime is slipping through my fingers and there is nothing i can do about it. i don't want him to make a mistake about this. i rather stay together and let something happen if it's going to happen. if we break up now because he's scared something will happen... how will we ever know if we made the right decision? god this is killing me. i just couldn't get those thoughts out of my head. and they were right on target. they always are... i just thought with ben it would be different. I'm so sick of hearing it's not you it's me. but at least he's not saying you love me more than i love you. he's saying i love you so much i am afraid of hurting you in the long run. but i rather just take the chance! ok i am so utterly depressed. i am going to go to sleep and hope i wake up and it was all a dream. a very very very bad dream. my worst nightmare in fact.