(Untitled)

[sour_idealist]

Title: The Luck of the Draw
Fandoms: Merlin & The Traitor Game
Characters/Pairings: Gwen, Tom, Merlin, Hunith, Morgana, Gorlois, Arthur, Francis, Francis's Mum, Michael, Michael's Mum, Uther, Luke, [Francis/Michael, Gwen/Morgana, Arthur/Merlin]
Rating/Warnings: PG-13, swearing, homophobia, hateful language (mostly self-labelling but not in a

Comments

[silver_sandals]

AAAAH. AAAH. MICHAEL'S MOM. Oh that is so painful and sweet and aaaah. And oh, Michael. You're really, really good- I empathize with him to an incredible degree in this, it's really painful. And so I'm so glad she's there for him- I think maybe he needs it the most.

But your Morgana is also brilliant. Oh, gosh, she's so hard and determined and I bet she went up to her room and cried into her pillow after that.

[sour_idealist]

afsklfjf thank you. I'm not sure if it's Michael or Francis who needs help the most - look at the scenes where Francis is trying to talk about it, even when he thinks Michael already knows he can't actually bring himself to say 'gay' or say anything clearly - but they definitely do. I'm so glad I managed to make the scene work for you, with all the confusion and everything, and just - ugh.

And Morgana is just so awesome canonically. I think she was too proud to cry after that, but she definitely wanted to. :(

[silver_sandals]

Oh, yes, Francis is definitely in a terrible place too, but at least he doesn't have that terrified-of-everything quality that Michael exudes. He's definitely tormented- mostly, I think, because of his obvious feelings for Michael- but he at least seems to be honest with himself, most of the time. I can't imagine him being like Michael, curled up in a ball pretending he doesn't exist anymore.

MORGANAAA. It's so easy to see why Gwen loves her. //season two never happened, okay.

[sour_idealist]

Yeah, Francis has way more confidence in his ability to keep up a likeable facade and to ingratiate himself, and in general he's got a much better opinion of himself than Michael, but I think he's also got a lot of internalized homophobia going on. And I don't think that he was honest with himself at all, actually, ever.

(And his feelings for Michael, oh Lord, he's so clearly - not exactly admiring, but he thinks of Michael as different and he's intrigued and even when he's at his most furious and betrayed he can't stand to see what Michael does to himself or even to hear Shitley rip on him and - augh. OTP forever. Especially because it sounds so much like Michael felt the same way about Francis, sort of.)

And yes, exactly! Although I actually like Gwen even more. (I still haven't watched more than the beginning of Season 2.)

eeee, Ariadne icon!

[silver_sandals]

I would actually be very interested in hearing more of what you think is going on in Francis' head. It's very likely I'm projecting too much of my own fifteen-year-old self on to him (which is why I'm convinced he's a bit in love with Michael, because he acts exactly the way I acted around the object of my affections.)

Ariadne is the greatest part of that movie. Also, WTF this comment is long.

[sour_idealist]

And oh, now you've got me started. ;) I'm completely convinced he's a bit in love with Michael too; actually I'm convinced that they're both a bit in love with each other.

As to Francis's thought processes, well... first of all, there's before the book, when he first meets Michael. Here's this strange guy who Francis doesn't know, and he's quiet and maybe kind of cute and he makes no sense and he's clearly lonely and he makes up countries. And Francis is interested, even intrigued. He wants to know more about this kid and about the country he's made up, and he thinks that that second part is really cool and he wants to be able to do something like that. So he swipes the map and remakes it and he comes back, and Michael actually likes it, and he's got kind of a nice smile, and Francis wants to know more about him. Francis recognizes that Michael is lonely and kind of screwed up, and Francis wants to help him out of that, but he also wants to figure him out, to know how his mind works. So they're friends. And then they're getting

Re: eeee, Ariadne icon!

[sour_idealist]

And just, what kills me the most is that Francis and Michael are basically doing exactly the same thing, over the course of the book. They both have this absolutely huge vulnerability: for Michael it's Evgard and for Francis it's being gay. And they both think that the other has betrayed them in that one area where it will hurt them more than anything else ever could - even before Michael says anything to Shitley, Francis thinks that Michael is furious that he's been friends with a gay guy all this time, and that just kills him. So he lashes out, exactly the same as Michael does, because he's hurt so badly and he's angry that it happened and he feels betrayed because he thought Michael was better than this, he honestly thought that he could tell Michael (and given the general attitude of St. Anselm's, I'm fairly sure that Francis has told no one up to this point) and now he thinks that Michael's freaking out. And he isn't consciously processing all of that and all that he knows is that he's hurting more than he ever has been and it's

Omg I love your freaking essay <3

[silver_sandals]

For me the brilliance of the book was how deeply I connected to both of them. I read one (overall positive) review that criticized Collins for going on and on about the angst and lack of communication but you know, that's really exactly what it's like when you're a kid and you're hurt and scared and don't know what to do.

The other interesting this is there does seem to be a certain universal quality to the gay experience. Like, when Michael made his protestations of heterosexuality, I could think, hey, I went through that phase, I know what's going on with him. And when they were up in that castle I was absolutely sure I was Francis, in a way that's never happened to me with a fictional character before. Which is why I thought he must have been aware he had a crush.

Of course these kids make me feel very, very lucky :p

(For... er... fic-writing purposes, do you think St. Anselm's is a more intolerant environment than Michael's old public school?)

Re: Omg I love your freaking essay <3

[sour_idealist]

What. Just... what. Being a teenager - particularly a bullied, hounded, isolated teenager - is all about angst and communication and hurting and not being able to say so. Just, what. Michael is one of the most accurate portrayals of what continuous bullying does to you that I have ever seen. I'm going to be irrationally annoyed by this, I can tell

Re: Omg I love your freaking essay <3

[silver_sandals]

That makes tons of sense. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, I hope I haven't bothered you too much. Time to put my money where my mouth is and write some fic, I think. :)

Re: Omg I love your freaking essay <3

[sour_idealist]

Oh, you haven't bothered me in the slightest! I love talking about these books; it's a delight to get the chance.

And fic is awesome. Are you going to crosspost it to evgard?

Re: Omg I love your freaking essay <3

[silver_sandals]

Hopefully! Btw, do you accept crossovers?

Re: Omg I love your freaking essay <3

[sour_idealist]

I actually do not mod evgard; that would be inktrap. But I've posted crossovers before and she had no objections; we don't really have enough fic to be picky. ;) What are you crossing it with?

Re: Omg I love your freaking essay <3

[silver_sandals]

I had a bit of a plot bunny for a crossover with Eight Days of Luke, my other favorite semi-fantasy rather gay English children's book with a tiny fandom :) But I can't really imagine the characters at St. Anselm's so I might have to put them in the public school and have them run into Francis and Michael somehow.

I'm sure I'll write something, anyway. The prospect of ficcing this book is really exciting. :D

Re: Omg I love your freaking essay <3

[sour_idealist]

I haven't read that, but I've heard of it; Diana Wynne-Jones?

And I really, really hope you do. The fact that there's no fandom just breaks my heart.

[silver_sandals]

Although, I should say, that last line of Francis's section- OHGODMYHEART. Sucker punch to the gut.