Innocence never lasts

[soupaloop]

The way people act towards me has never really affected what I thought of them. People have been picking fun at me for years. I knew that I was a good person and so i tried not to let it bother me. One year ago today, my first bowl was light. I really don't know why I did it, it just came up in conversation one night, and I said, I might like to try that sometime. One thing I promised myself was that in one year if I was still doing it, I have to stop, for at least a few months, to bring myself under the microscope. Where am I going, what am I doing, am I someone that I love? It sort of feels like my life began just this year. My world has been bombarded by thoughts and emotions that I never imagined. I have never been so enthralled by this world, everything has never been so perfect, and then again my life has never been filled with this much chaos. I have questioned my faith to the point where I didn't feel the comfort that it gives me. I don't want to live like that. I am not blaming my problems on pot, I know it for what it is. One thing I love/hate about it is the fact it brings me to a place where you do feel anything about anything. You feel things that you can never feel with out it, but its easy to loose the desire to feel something real. So, what do I do? Do I listen to myself, quit that shit? Or, do I do try to correct my path with it there to make it a little bit easier? The answer is simple, I realized this a couple months ago. Pot takes the world, distortes it, and makes it a little more interesting. I know that isn't how life is supposed to be lived!
I miss the feeling that everything is going to be just fine, because I know I am doing what god wants. Why am I so weak? Every time I go to make something right in my life, I get caught up with the meaningless things around it. I don't really know why I am posting this, I just am, maybe someone will learn something from the ramblings of this fool.