it's happening so quickly
only 18 sleeps till my vancouver dream comes true!
other stuff going on:
- visited my dad last week. he is quite sick from chemotherapy and has lost a lot of weight. i think it's hard for him to stay positive. please send your positive thoughts! my stress about this situation is finally catching up to me so i'm feeling quite mopey.
- otherwise had a good visit with my family, got to see my mom, both sets of grandparents, dad, mom's sisters, and friend michelle.
- doing market collective april 23-24 so hoping to make a lot of money from it! i have a tonne of work to still do for it but i'm not stressed about finishing in time.
- my mom's coming to help me finish packing/clean this weekend, and next weekend she's coming just to hang out. i'm looking forward to it. for months i haven't had much mom-time and now that i'm about to leave, she's all up in my grill! i wish it was more spread out, but i love seeing her.
- malloreigh found me an apartment in vancouver! she's the best. i'm excited to setup/decorate my new place.
- my brother is visiting me this week! his girlfriend is coming too. i hardly know her so i hope she's cool. either way, looking forward to spending time with my brother and getting to know his beloved.
- wishing my sewing would pick up enough so that i wouldn't have to get a full-time job in vancouver. even a part-time job seems lame, but i'm going to have to do it.
- hoping i can have some actual single time when i get to van, not this kind of nebulous dating thing. i'm feeling so messed up. i can't wrap my head around the idea that someday i'll meet someone who it feels right with. i can't imagine ever being in love again. i know it will happen but right now it's unbelievable. i keep having empty sex instead of just being alone. maybe it's not empty! maybe having the other party be into me & me being into them is enough, even if it is shallow for both of us. but having a light enjoyment of the situation isn't exactly emptiness, is it? i don't know. this all is such different territory than being married. i don't expect anything of my sexual partners--not handholding, spooning in sleep, not even contact after the event. i mean some of it would be nice but after my experiences, i expect nothing rather than expecting anything and having my expectations unmet. it's so hard missing my best friend. sometimes it's easy to be flippant about my divorce but it hurts to be rejected and have all the ideas about my future be crushed.
- gradually dropping milk & eggs with the intent to pick up veganism when i get to van! i'm excited about it. not sure about the longevity of it but figure it's worth a try. 'eating animals' changed my perspective and blew my mind! i don't really want to date omnis anymore. i mean, they are okay, but i'd really love to spend my time with someone who was equally passionate about their diet. when i'm with someone who's eating pork or seafood or whatever, i want to tell them 'DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT'S MADE?!' and it's pretty easy to repress around Just Friends, but when it's someone i'm more intimate, open & comfortable with, it's harder to press down inside.
other stuff going on:
- visited my dad last week. he is quite sick from chemotherapy and has lost a lot of weight. i think it's hard for him to stay positive. please send your positive thoughts! my stress about this situation is finally catching up to me so i'm feeling quite mopey.
- otherwise had a good visit with my family, got to see my mom, both sets of grandparents, dad, mom's sisters, and friend michelle.
- doing market collective april 23-24 so hoping to make a lot of money from it! i have a tonne of work to still do for it but i'm not stressed about finishing in time.
- my mom's coming to help me finish packing/clean this weekend, and next weekend she's coming just to hang out. i'm looking forward to it. for months i haven't had much mom-time and now that i'm about to leave, she's all up in my grill! i wish it was more spread out, but i love seeing her.
- malloreigh found me an apartment in vancouver! she's the best. i'm excited to setup/decorate my new place.
- my brother is visiting me this week! his girlfriend is coming too. i hardly know her so i hope she's cool. either way, looking forward to spending time with my brother and getting to know his beloved.
- wishing my sewing would pick up enough so that i wouldn't have to get a full-time job in vancouver. even a part-time job seems lame, but i'm going to have to do it.
- hoping i can have some actual single time when i get to van, not this kind of nebulous dating thing. i'm feeling so messed up. i can't wrap my head around the idea that someday i'll meet someone who it feels right with. i can't imagine ever being in love again. i know it will happen but right now it's unbelievable. i keep having empty sex instead of just being alone. maybe it's not empty! maybe having the other party be into me & me being into them is enough, even if it is shallow for both of us. but having a light enjoyment of the situation isn't exactly emptiness, is it? i don't know. this all is such different territory than being married. i don't expect anything of my sexual partners--not handholding, spooning in sleep, not even contact after the event. i mean some of it would be nice but after my experiences, i expect nothing rather than expecting anything and having my expectations unmet. it's so hard missing my best friend. sometimes it's easy to be flippant about my divorce but it hurts to be rejected and have all the ideas about my future be crushed.
- gradually dropping milk & eggs with the intent to pick up veganism when i get to van! i'm excited about it. not sure about the longevity of it but figure it's worth a try. 'eating animals' changed my perspective and blew my mind! i don't really want to date omnis anymore. i mean, they are okay, but i'd really love to spend my time with someone who was equally passionate about their diet. when i'm with someone who's eating pork or seafood or whatever, i want to tell them 'DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT'S MADE?!' and it's pretty easy to repress around Just Friends, but when it's someone i'm more intimate, open & comfortable with, it's harder to press down inside.