Summer 2009
Summer.
The Season.
Full of amazing past memories and pictures to document it all.
But what happens when life isn't like that anymore and you can't seem to bridge the gap of what happened between then and now and why the then can't still exist now.
I continue to see my friend group get worn away by the shifting sands and erosion brought about by the various effecting distances that develop... relationships, ongoing education, occupations, etc., either taking away my core group of friends either physically or mentally or otherwise.
I have my schedule of what to do for every day... but right now, for today, that is giving me no comfort. For I have had a past of even greater schedule.
For the first summer time during a summer without my parents around, I have zero desire to throw a party.
The main reason for this is that I don't have a very strong guestlist in mind for who would actually come anymore.
Such a large group of my friends I used to hang out or talk with often are on the far edge of my contact list these days, and even then, the dynamics of the groups are so different now that it is no longer something that I would consider enjoyable.
And it's not like I haven't been drinking or anything.
In fact, it might just be the opposite. I've been drinking more, slightly... however, it is with a smaller group of people and we're much less responsible when we do it. I think this weighs on me, too. I used to just drink when I would go out to a party or have a small group over. Now if it's even just me and Alex, or with Alex and Ozz, we'll just get wasted, for no reason aside from the notion that that's what we're supposed to do.
I've had more hangovers so far this summer than any previous summer, I'm pretty sure... but I don't have all the amazing positive memories like I got from the other ones in previous years.
I suppose it could be our excuse to get out of what we know is a pretty boring life situation we've got going for ourselves.
I need to meet new people.
I'm working at it. Doing a lot of research and personality building exercises, because I have realized that I do need help if I want to get out of this rut.
At the same time, though, I see that the vast majority of my friends are in the same boat as me, having largely the only same friends they've known since at least high school, many longer than that.
But living in Miami makes things tough mentally for me. I just don't see myself meeting that many new people and them being compatible. Either their culture will be so different from mine, being a largely Hispanic place down here with strong connections to their present friends and notions and their own personalities I don't see meshing with mine from what I see whenever I go out. Most people I see anywhere just don't seem like my type of friend.
But I know that all of Miami is not like what I see when I go out to the Grove or at the beach. I know there's pockets tucked away that I would love to indulge in more often. In fact, I found one of those last Thursday at Uva Lounge. Thursdays, they have local music shows (like Kaffe Krystal, but not as elaborate), and unlike other local venues, isn't trapped in an area of downtown that I just wouldn't want to deal with when exiting at 2am. There's also Jazid or Purdy Lounge, but the beach is such a long drive away, and I rarely have the motivation to take myself all the way down there.
One problem I seem to have for myself now is that I don't know what to do. I don't particularly want to hang out with the majority of my friends that I would in the past hang out with at any occasion. And so I am home. I have such an extensive collection of music, but it's all stuff I've listened to so much in the past that it's all essentially played out in some way or another. TV's never got anything good on it anymore except the occasional Daily Show or Colbert Report, but even that is rapidly losing my interest anymore. The TV shows I download are mostly in between seasons, except for Weeds, but that's just once a week.
And I feel like most of my friends aren't like me.
Which brings me to another strange problem. I like myself more than anyone else in the world. Except for a few rare instances, I have not met another person that could capture my interest completely and intrigue me or think of them as someone better than myself somehow. I tend to look down on a lot of other people, including many of my friends, and most of the random people I see in the streets around Miami. Not to say that they're bad people or uninteresting or dull. They're just not the type of person I would want to know. And when I think about it more, I find myself essentially just wanting to find a clone of myself to hang out with and do stuff with, because I see myself as so perfect of a friend for me. Like tonight, if I had a twin, we would play music, and unlike playing with my other friends, he would be on the exact same level as me.. not better nor worse, and I could do exactly what my mind thinks without even having to speak it out.
Anyways... I hadn't posted in awhile, and haven't really written anything else anywhere else for a long time... All I've posted about my life is my facebook updates and those are quite fleeting. On the other hand, at least people occasionally read those and comment, unlike LJ anymore, but that is quite fine by me.
So now, off to find something else to do to kill some time tonight. Already took a nap for a few hours after work, but can't think of anything else to do but go back to sleep again... oh well. Such is the luxury of comfort.
The Season.
Full of amazing past memories and pictures to document it all.
But what happens when life isn't like that anymore and you can't seem to bridge the gap of what happened between then and now and why the then can't still exist now.
I continue to see my friend group get worn away by the shifting sands and erosion brought about by the various effecting distances that develop... relationships, ongoing education, occupations, etc., either taking away my core group of friends either physically or mentally or otherwise.
I have my schedule of what to do for every day... but right now, for today, that is giving me no comfort. For I have had a past of even greater schedule.
For the first summer time during a summer without my parents around, I have zero desire to throw a party.
The main reason for this is that I don't have a very strong guestlist in mind for who would actually come anymore.
Such a large group of my friends I used to hang out or talk with often are on the far edge of my contact list these days, and even then, the dynamics of the groups are so different now that it is no longer something that I would consider enjoyable.
And it's not like I haven't been drinking or anything.
In fact, it might just be the opposite. I've been drinking more, slightly... however, it is with a smaller group of people and we're much less responsible when we do it. I think this weighs on me, too. I used to just drink when I would go out to a party or have a small group over. Now if it's even just me and Alex, or with Alex and Ozz, we'll just get wasted, for no reason aside from the notion that that's what we're supposed to do.
I've had more hangovers so far this summer than any previous summer, I'm pretty sure... but I don't have all the amazing positive memories like I got from the other ones in previous years.
I suppose it could be our excuse to get out of what we know is a pretty boring life situation we've got going for ourselves.
I need to meet new people.
I'm working at it. Doing a lot of research and personality building exercises, because I have realized that I do need help if I want to get out of this rut.
At the same time, though, I see that the vast majority of my friends are in the same boat as me, having largely the only same friends they've known since at least high school, many longer than that.
But living in Miami makes things tough mentally for me. I just don't see myself meeting that many new people and them being compatible. Either their culture will be so different from mine, being a largely Hispanic place down here with strong connections to their present friends and notions and their own personalities I don't see meshing with mine from what I see whenever I go out. Most people I see anywhere just don't seem like my type of friend.
But I know that all of Miami is not like what I see when I go out to the Grove or at the beach. I know there's pockets tucked away that I would love to indulge in more often. In fact, I found one of those last Thursday at Uva Lounge. Thursdays, they have local music shows (like Kaffe Krystal, but not as elaborate), and unlike other local venues, isn't trapped in an area of downtown that I just wouldn't want to deal with when exiting at 2am. There's also Jazid or Purdy Lounge, but the beach is such a long drive away, and I rarely have the motivation to take myself all the way down there.
One problem I seem to have for myself now is that I don't know what to do. I don't particularly want to hang out with the majority of my friends that I would in the past hang out with at any occasion. And so I am home. I have such an extensive collection of music, but it's all stuff I've listened to so much in the past that it's all essentially played out in some way or another. TV's never got anything good on it anymore except the occasional Daily Show or Colbert Report, but even that is rapidly losing my interest anymore. The TV shows I download are mostly in between seasons, except for Weeds, but that's just once a week.
And I feel like most of my friends aren't like me.
Which brings me to another strange problem. I like myself more than anyone else in the world. Except for a few rare instances, I have not met another person that could capture my interest completely and intrigue me or think of them as someone better than myself somehow. I tend to look down on a lot of other people, including many of my friends, and most of the random people I see in the streets around Miami. Not to say that they're bad people or uninteresting or dull. They're just not the type of person I would want to know. And when I think about it more, I find myself essentially just wanting to find a clone of myself to hang out with and do stuff with, because I see myself as so perfect of a friend for me. Like tonight, if I had a twin, we would play music, and unlike playing with my other friends, he would be on the exact same level as me.. not better nor worse, and I could do exactly what my mind thinks without even having to speak it out.
Anyways... I hadn't posted in awhile, and haven't really written anything else anywhere else for a long time... All I've posted about my life is my facebook updates and those are quite fleeting. On the other hand, at least people occasionally read those and comment, unlike LJ anymore, but that is quite fine by me.
So now, off to find something else to do to kill some time tonight. Already took a nap for a few hours after work, but can't think of anything else to do but go back to sleep again... oh well. Such is the luxury of comfort.