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Last night I blackened my hands converting my bike to a single-speed. I was only using one gear setting, anyway. I wanted to give up all the trouble that the derailer kept causing me. I took it for a spin last night and the chain fell off. I suppose I need to cut it shorter. I watched the midsection of Vertigo and went to bed. Dreamy sleep. I can't remember anything but a lot happened. I woke up early. I think there was an alarm going off somewhere. I stayed in bed thinking a while and then I got up. Time to start cowboying up on my school work. That's what Harmen would say. Time to start cowboying up. The semester's almost over and there's a lot of stuff that I need to start cowboying up on. I started on my homework due for tonight. It was six. I looked out my window. There was a heavy fog, the kind you don't see every day. The kind that you're lucky to see a few times a year. I decided to test my bike again. It was raining on half of my block and nowhere else. The fog was dangerously thick. I came to an intersection and a car came- I couldn't see it or hear it or anything until it was 20 feet away. It was driving slowly, it's lights were off. I let it pass. I biked down Clay. There's not much resistance, I thought. Chain's a little loose. I need to cut it shorter a link or two.
I was sitting next to Josh in his car. The sun was low and hot through the windshield. We were waiting for Harmen to get on his motorcycle and take the lead. You smoke weed? Yeah, sure, I said. Smell this, he said. I smelled. Mmmm. Stinky weed, he said. I felt hot. I'll go put this scarf back inside I said. Alright he said. I won't leave you. I ran back inside and threw the scarf on the black leather ottoman by the door. My brother and Jennifer M. were on the couch, sitting close together.
Did you do it in the hottub? Yeah. Did you get any in it? No, I didn't finish there. Good. I fucked her for like 30min and couldn't finish. So, you didn't soil the hottub? No. We went upstairs and soiled memaw's bed- well, not her bed- but the bed next to it. You mean in their room? No. The other room upstairs. The guestbedroom. Oh. Good. But you didn't soil the hottub? No. It's harder to do it in the hottub. It's really hard. There's no lubrication. Well, did she soil it? I wouldn't be able to tell. There was water all over the place. She soiled the bed upstairs. Did you clean up? Not yet. So, it looks like someone's been there? Yeah, it definitely looks like someone's been there.
My bike chain fell off as I turned onto Harrison. I coasted up hill a little ways and then pulled it off the street. I chained it to a light pole. I wouldn't normally chain my bike there, I thought. It's kind of a sketchy place. But considering the fog. Well, the fog would probably make someone more likely to steal a bike. No one would see them do it- especially right there. I wonder if there's more crime in fog? And if there isn't, there should be. There's only like 20 feet of visibility, if not less. I was walking. I'm going to go to 7-11 and get some coffee, I thought. It's time I start cowboying up. The caffein will probably help. That's what normal people do. I usually just get hot chocolate or something and I expect all the sugar to have the same effect. Caffein is probably different. I thought about coffee beans for a while.
I was sitting at the bar in Agave with my sister. Kevin was about two seats down from me. Barret was about two seats down from him, at the very end. My sister was talking to Foff-y. He was working the bar. I was paying attention to them. Suddenly, some bad noise broke out. Why haven't you called me, bitch? Other curse words over some trivial matter. The two man stood up. It looked like there could be a fight. I looked at my sister and then at Foff-y. He raised his eyebrows and made an ee face. In between the violent energy was Kevin's girlfriend. I kept looking at her. She must be my age or younger. I know Kevin likes them young. She's pretty cute, I thought, or at least for Kevin and all the shit she must put up with from him. How is she taking all this? The whole night, I was wondering that. I kept on looking at her expressions whenever he said something filthy to the boys. Dirty comedy on and off cue. It was his trademark. He spit it out with each sentence. That's the only reason anyone liked him. His perversion of the English language. He would always call me Phil-up my board shorts or Phil-up my pant leg. I wondered if that's why she likes him? No. It's impossible. She probably only sees his positive traits through other people. Other people laugh at him, so she assumes he's funny. Other people talk to him. So she assumes he's popular. It's funny how much people rely on other people to form opinions on things- even such simple things. I suppose in a way, we have evolved into a greater organism. I've been thinking about that a lot. I don't know. Kevin's girlfriend got her things together. He got his things together- puffed up looking- with dramatic airs that implied that it would be a waste of time to fight Barret. I was looking for him to pay his tab. But I didn't see it. Apparently he did. He had asked for a box for his food earlier, after he lost his appetite. He said he would come back later. Foff-y said they were having an after-hours party or something at the bar. He left without saying anything to any of us, shoulders up, lips pointed out, eye brows down, head shaking, fat coat, girlfriend somewhere close by- whether she was in front of him or behind him I can't remember but either way it seemed like he was dragging her with his testosterone. As they made for the door, my brother came in. He had just gone to get some cigarettes. He had to drive the car down to some gas station cause the place across the street had just closed. It was starting to get late. It was cold and rainy outside. Cold and rainy. There was no other way of putting it. It was nasty. Earlier, my brother was sitting at the bar. He was out of cigarettes. Kevin was sitting a stool away from him. He was out of cigarettes. They both wanted to smoke but nobody wanted to go out into the cold rain. Kevin got up, said he was going to go ask Juan, one of the cooks, if he could have a cigarette. Get me one, too my brother said. No way, Kevin said, you have to fend for yourself. Fuck you, my brother said. Kevin turned around and flicked him off and went off into the the other room to go to the kitchen. I hate him, my brother said. Jen, let me have your keys. Why? I'm going to get some cigarettes. Go to the place across the street. I think they're closed now. Oh. Are you sure. The lights are off, I said. You should have gone earlier, she said. I'm gonna go down the street to one of those gas stations, my brother said. You're drunk, my sister said. Just down the street. I'll be back in a couple of minutes. Kevin came back with two cigarettes. He put one in the groove in the ash tray and took the other one to his mouth. Does someone have a lighter, he asked. I do, my sister said. She handed him her lighter. He lit. She took her lighter back. A bit later she reached her hand in front of me, over to where Kevin was holding his cigarette over the ashtray. He took a drag. Let me have a drag, she said. He handed it to her. She took a couple of drags and handed it back to him. Why does she always want a taste or a drag or a bite of everything, I thought, annoyed. Always. Everything. She always has to put her mouth on it. She doesn't even smoke anymore and Kevin does and he has two cigatettes.
I ran back into the car with Josh. We sat there for a while waiting for Harmen. It was quiet. So, what you been up to? Not much. Same old, same old. You're in college now, right? Yep. VCU. I smilled an embarrassed smile as though I were proud of something. It was quiet again. I put on my seat belt. Don't worry. I'm not offended by you putting on your seat belt. I looked up. What? Oh. It's funny, I paused. Deja-vu, I said. Josh said something. I was completely in a trance, watching a whole series of events unfold. I had seen this before. Maybe this was the car ride in which I was supposed to die. Or I was at least going to die sometime today. Maybe, there would be an accident with the guns. I started speaking, straining really hard to produce each word. No. It's a funny thing, I said slowly. Normally- I wouldn't put my seat belt on. But I mean- no, it's funny. I've noticed this before. It's a security thing. I feel more secure with the seat belt on. I mean like if I'm just sitting in the car and we're just waiting. It's the long quiet and awkward- you know. So, I just feel more comfortable- more secure- with the seat belt on. But like if I get into a car and we just start driving- I usually don't even put my seat belt on- I don't bother. It's just a security thing. My monologue delivered, Josh said, it's cool. Let's put something better on, he said. He turned off the low buzzing of the radio, which I had hardly noticed, and grabbed a box of tapes from the back seat. He'll probably put on some hippy music I thought. Josh is a hippy. Always was. Harmen went past us with his motorcycle. Josh took out a tape. So, we just follow him? I guess so, I said. We followed. He stuck the tape in and turned up the volume. I heard two second long drum intro and the first two notes of the guitar and said, Jimi Hendrix. I looked down at my old white running shoes. I started tapping to the beat.
I crossed Grace Street, looking both ways into the fog. A car was coming at me, so I walked faster at the end. A woman was looking in at some of the things posted in the window at the Village Cafe. She was a black woman. Probably in her forties. A hood and thick coat concealed her. I looked over her shoulder to see what she was looking at. I couldn't tell. It looked like the cafe was open. That's all I could tell. I turned the corner to 7-11, where all the payphones are, I was expecting for someone to be there. There's always somewhere there asking you for change. They always ask for change before you go in, too. Maybe, they'd think I was stuck in Richmond if they saw me now. Maybe I should go to the payphones. There was nobody there. I thought about Warrenton. This seems like it would be better to be stuck here than in Warrenton, I thought. Richmond is big. I wouldn't mind being homeless if I were here. I mean stuck here. I thought about having a conversation with one of those people that are normally there. I would say, you're in Richmond. What are you complaining about? It's a big city. You can go anywhere. I'm sure there lots of people who would take you in. Well, then I thought again, maybe it's easier being a white college student. I could just party or stay with friends or something. Well, there are lots of black people here. Don't you know anyone here, I would say. Don't you have any friends or family? I suppose you wouldn't be welcome at a lot of the places that I am. But you'd be welcome at a lot of place that I'm not. And I thought of Oregon Hill. They're always nice to bums there. Everyone's a bum there. You could probably hang out at parties in Oregon Hill. I remember come of those characters. What's his name? Eh- I don't remember his name. But plenty of people do. I wouldn't mind being stuck in Richmond for a while.
We sat there at the bar for a while. Barret was talking about how his girlfriend's restaurant wouldn't serve him. He kept on saying how he cursed out those Irish fuckers and left. Those fucking potato digging bitches. I sat there for thirty minutes. They served so and so before they served me. And she's only nineteen or something. He talked about Kevin. Him and my brother caught up on some things. His girlfriend came in. You're off work? Yeah, she said. She didn't look like she was in a very good mood. We had to hear his complaining about her restaurant a couple more times. My sister was calling people on my brother's phone, trying to find something to do. Somewhere to go. My brother started text messaging with Jennifer M.. Are we going to do anything, I kept asking. Can we leave? Barret's girlfriend went out to the car. He asked Foff-y, if I come back with this glass tomorrow, can I just take this drink home? He kept on asking. Just get a to-go cup. Can I get to-go cup, then? Yeah, that way nobody will see you. Well, it's still not that- yeah, Foff-y said. He poured the glass into a small styrofoam cup. The drink was a turquoise color. I wasn't sure what it was. It only went half-way up the small styrofoam cup. He was complaining about his girlfriend's restaurant and Kevin some more. I think she came back in and stood by the door and then he took the hint. He paid his tab and left. We sat there more. We described to my brother the episode that had occurred right before he came in with the cigarettes.
Jimi Hendrix played the whole time as we followed Harmen and his motorcycle through miles and miles of windy rural road. I listened attentively. Jimi Hendrix. It brought back old memories and all sorts of thoughts. I wanted to say something. The thing is- the think about Jimi Hendrix, I imagined myself saying, well- everybody since him who plays his music or his style- well they've all been those technical guys. And Hendrix was a complete natural. He just played this stuff. You can hear it. He didn't think about technical stuff. He just played. He just heard the music. There've been very few, if any, naturals like that since him. He was one of a kind. Deffinitely. It's just pure fluidity. I was really into Hendrix, I guess all throughout high school. I thought, Josh probably was, too. Josh is a hippy. He's always been. But he's like a strange breeding of hippy and redneck, that as far as I can tell, seems to only occur around those parts where I grew up. Central northern Virginia, near the Appalachia. He's a liberal and he smokes lots of weed and has Dead bears sowed into his self-made bell bottoms. And he's an auto-mechanic and talks something like a redneck, lives in the hills, and shoots shotguns. That's where we were going. To shoot shotguns. I haven't shot any in like five years, he said. Not since I got burned. I used to do it all the time. I haven't shot since uh- the day before yesterday- Thanksgiving, I said. Well, that's recent he said. It was my first time shooting the shutgun, I said. We went out there and shot all sorts of guns. Made a lot of noise. I've never shot skeet before, though. We were coming into Warrenton, to pass through. There were lots of motorcycles out. I commented on it. It's a good day for it, Josh said. We kept on driving. Jimi Hendrix still playing.
My brother was text messaging. My sister was talking to Foff-y. I was sitting there. When are we going to go? I thought we just came here for dinner. I kept closing my eyes. My sister was working thiks out with Foff-y. My brother was working things out with Jennifer M.. She's just waiting for a friend. She aksed who's here, he said. Tell her. Tell her to come here. She can't. She's waiting for her friend. Oh yeah, what's her name. You should do them both- get her to do a threesome, I said. No way, Foff-y said. Her friend's gross. Oh, yeah. Yeah- what's-her-name. She's all cracked out. She fucks everybody. She's gross. Why does Jennifer M. hang out with her. I don't think she does that shit anymore. Have you ever had sex with Jennifer M., my sister asked Foff-y. I took her virginity in a bathtub, he said. What? He repeated. How many girls' virginity have you taken? He shrugged. Is that Kevin's food there, my brother asked looking at the box on the other side of the bar. Yeah, Foff-y said. He said he'd come back for it but he probably won't. Here, my brother said, let me spit in it. Foff-y handed it to him and he opened the styrofoam box and spat in the food, closed it and handed it back to Foff-y. I hate Kevin. He went back to his text messaging. She wants us to pick her up. My brother walked outside with the phone. He was talking to her. When are we leaving, I kept on saying. My brother came back in. She lives like two miles away. My sister was still looking for something to do. Somewhere to go. Let's just go over there, my brother said. Why? So we can sit there in the livingroom as you have sex with her, my sister said. Yeah, my brother said. No. Foff-y, aren't your parents gone, my sister asked? Yeah, he said. Can we go there? Yeah. But we've got to call Victor. Okay. No, I said. I don't want to go back to foff-y's house so I can sit there and wait in the livingroom while you have sex with Jennifer M. in one room and you have sex with Foff-y in another room, I said. Alright, my sister said. We'll go pick her up and then we'll come back here and then we'll go back to Foff-y's. My brother was on the phone with Victor. He just wants some wine. We were figuring out how to divide the bill. Harmen had given each of us twenty dollars before we left that night. My brother and sister both tried turning it down. He insisted. They took it. Then, he was looking for twenty to give to me. I waited. Don't take his money, my sister said. No. How are you going to tell me that? After you both just took his money, I said. He had thrown it at us. A strange passive agressive tendency he has. No, he said. He has no money in his wallet. I took out my wallet, opened it. There was no money. See, he said. He has no money. I took the twenty and put it in there. Out in the car, my brother said- never turn down Harmen's money. He'll get mad about it and complain about it later. But he'll get mad and complain about something else, anyway. Give him your twenty, my sister said. I know, I said angrily. What the fuck? I know. No, my brother said. I'll just put it all on mom's credit card. Okay, I said. I'll just use part of my twenty as a tip I have to, I thought. You two give him ten dollars each of your twenties as a tip, my sister said. Mine is for gas money to drive us all around. Oh my god, I said. What do you think I was going to do? It's not like I had this money to start with. Well, you were going to use your whole twenty and now you're only using ten dollars from it, so you should consider yourself ahead, my sister said. Fuck off, I muttered. We left. Alright. We're just going to pick her up and we'll be right back. Yeah, Foff-y said. Come back here. We're going to be partying after hours. Just the employees. Free booze and shit. We walked outside. It was nasty. Cold and rainy. Where's the car, my sister asked. It's right there, my brother replied. I parked it closer. Oh, yeah. When you went out to get cigarettes.
Me and my brother were in the hottub. I was complaining about all sorts of things. He was mostly listening. He kind of seemed like he could see through everything me with everything I said. I was complaining about Heather and what a bitch and what a phony and what a whore I thought she was. Yeah, and she killed Shaina, he said. Yeah, she fucking killed Shaina. And she probably fucking killed that girl that girl that she was living with when her house burnt down. It was probably her. She's fucking clumsy and wreckless like that. You better be careful, my brother said. Yeah, she's always leaving the stove on and shit. I am a little worried. Cause I feel like she'll somehow live on and get old while everyone around her will be harmed. She just has that negativity about her, I said. I thought to myself, she's like the poison woman. Yeah, that's right, I said. She fucking killed Shaina. And Shaina was nice. I guess she was kind of a whore and a dumb bitch, too. But she was nice. There was always something positive about her. She was always happy and tried to make people happy. And she actually tried to sleep with me once. She tried to sleep with me, too, my brother said. I would probably be living with her right now, I said, instead of that fucking whore-ass Heather. And the only reason she's with this fucker- she's fucking this guy from Florida- I mean she goes and fucks him every two months or so and says she's not fucking anyone else- I think it's just to try to convince herself that she's not a whore anymore. I mean I think he might think that he's in love with her or something or have some misconception like that because he doesn't know her well enough. But for her, it's just about sex. She doesn't give a shit. She's just fucking him longdistance-wise, so she can tell her friends and herself and everybody that she's not a whore, I said. Yeah, my brother said, she fucked Andrew. Yeah, exactly. She fucked Andrew. Back in the day before he was married and shit. It's funny. We'll have friends over- I'll be hanging out with friends and we'll all be in a room. Heather will be there. I mean like whenever we're hanging out with people, I can't help but think about the fact that she's fucked everyone of them. And she'll still just be there, hanging out- like nothing ever happened and nobody knows. Well, she hasn't fucked Ben, has she, my brother asked. No, I don't think so, I said. Maybe. Probably. I don't know. There's just something that seems like they didn't. Anyway, people are shitty. I've never met a woman I could respect. They're all such bitches, I said. And all guys are assholes, my brother said. Yeah, that's true, I said. People are just plain shitty. That's the problem. And everyone in Richmond is shitty, I said. Except for my friends down there, my brother said. Matt and Andrew and Ben. They're good people. Yeah, they are, I said. And Charlie. Well, my brother said, Charlie has his quirks. You don't know him as well, I said. No, he said, but Charlie has his quirks. He has an anger problem, he said. That's just because last time you saw him you got into a big argument with him and his girlfriend or something. He says you argue about everything, I said. Yeah, he said, he looses his temper really easy though. He gets angry really easy. He has his quirks. I haven't noticed it but I quess so, I said. Matt and Andrew and Ben and you and I- we all have our quirks. True, my brother said. Everyone has their quirks, I said. That's there problem. Everyone has their imperfections. I know I have my quirks. I'm sure I have quirks, too, my brother said. I'm not sure I know what they are, though. It's hard to tell your own quirks, he said. I know my quirks, I said. Like what? I thought. Ummm. I can be an asshole sometimes. Oh, I know I can be an asshole, my brother said. But I mean- the thing is, I said, I do it only for my own amusement. I don't know. I never used to think of myself as an asshole. But with Heather calling me one every single day. Calling me an asshole, calling me ugly- I don't know- I just came to accept it. The funny thing is that I'm so not an asshole to her. I mean I did nice things for her all the time. And she just took it all for granted. Like I would have done anything for her. And she'd turn right around and call me an asshole all the time. I suppose for my imperfections- I can be an asshole- I am definitely an asshole sometimes. She's a fucking bitch, though. She's wreckless, I said. It was a pretty asshole thing you did last night walking away, my brother said. No, I said. That wasn't asshole. That was- I don't know, I didn't care about anything. It was suicidal. I was going to go jump off a bridge somewhere. Well, next time you're about to go jump off a cliff, you should at least tell us first, he said. No. That doesn't make any sense, I said. He repeated what he had just said back to himself, laughing. Yeah, it's just something I do, I said. It's one of my quirks, I suppose. I just had to take a walk. I didn't care where I was going or what was going to happen to me or anything. It wasn't an asshole thing. Yeah, my brother said, but you can't just leave when you have a ride waiting on you. That is kind of an asshole thing to do. Jennifer was flipping out. We had to look all over for you. She was about to call the cops. What the fuck, I said. The cops would laugh. What's that? A twenty- and almost twenty-year old man- walking around with a credit card with $300 on it has gone missing for an hour in Warrenton. I was going to call a taxi from that 7-11. Yeah, my brother said, but it was kind of an asshole thing to do. You guys were being assholes, I said. I didn't want to sit there in foff-y's livingroom with vicotor as you guys went into your bedrooms and had sex. You guys had your night out on town, why couldn't I have mine? I had a lot of fun with those guys- John and Mike and those other guys. We drank beer and played games and hung out and shit. I'm glad I left. But that's just one of my quirks, I guess. I just leave places. I just have to walk away. I suppose that's why Richmond's a better place for me. I can just always walk home, no matter where I am. Like I just can't stand these people. And all these parties that Jennifer takes me to- I can't stand them- I just have to walk away. I just have to go on walks. I've always been the same way, my brother said. I like to just sneak out without anybody noticing me, I said. Me, too, he said. Like I'd rather be hanging out with real people. I hate those parties Jen takes me to. I always have to leave. More and more. I'd rather be hanging out with real friends- I mean like decent people- and even more than that, I'd like to just be by meself. You need your space, my brother said, I'm the same way. Well, it's not just that, I said. I need the walk, too. I don't know. I just feel like walking and it's better than staying where I'm at. And to be honest, I said. To be honest. It's really just- I mean, I just walk away when I'm feeling underutilized or... Underutilized, my brother said. Yeah, you know, I said, underutilized or unappreciated. You mean when you're not the center of attention, my brother said. No. I mean I always feel like there's some place out there- there are some people out there who would just appreciate me and appreciate me being there. I don't know. And if not, I'd rather just be alone. But I like meeting people. I always like meeting new people. I always want to meet and hang out with new people or I mean even things like when I convinved those people that I was a Mexican. Things like that. I like to have adventures. I like new people. I don't know. Not like Jennifer. You know how she is- she likes parties Fauqier style. She likes to go to a party or have parties with only people she already knows- I mean with the same people she's been partying with forever and stay at the party all night. She comes home and says things like you missed out, you should have come to that party. They had two kegs and three floors and loafs of bread. Loaves of bread, my brother asked. Yeah, I said. Loaves. And she said there were lots of hot guys and hot girls. I don't know why she would even care about hot guys. She has her Foff-y. And she couldn't stand to give him up. Can't give up seven years. But they still both whore around every once in a while. But I don't even know why she goes to parties anymore. For me, it seems like the only reason to go to parties is to get laid. And I give up on that. I'd rather just be by myself. I don't even see the purpose of drinking anymore except to drink whiskey with the boys and be drunk and dirty in the middle of the day. I don't know. Fuck girls. They're all such dumb-asses, I said. That's what you get for choosing to live with Jennifer and Heather, my brother said. Yeah, you're right. That's what it is. Fuck Heather. Sometimes I think I should just you know- if I fucked her or something, I would win the power struggle or whatever and make her realize what a dumb bitch whore she is, I said. I'm sure I could come down there and fuck her, my brother said. Yeah, I said, but that- I don't think that would work. I mean maybe. But she probably wants to fuck you. That would make her all proud and shit. I don't think she wants to fuck me, he said. Oh, I said, I thought that all of Jennifer's friends always wanted to fuck you. Yeah, he said, but I don't think she ever did. But I'm sure I could go down there and fuck her and then tell her she's a bitch and a whore and make her really sad. Yeah, maybe, I said. But I don't think that would work. I know she definitely wouldn't want to fuck me. But I just feel like if I did it like without actually wanting to, I wouldn't have to worry about her anymore. But whatever, she's not worth talking about. I don't want anything to do with any girls anymore, I said. You know, my brother said, it's not that hard to get girls to have sex with you. Yeah, I suppose I'm just what did they they say- 'putting the pussy on a pedestal'. But I guess the thing is- I mean- I have virtues. Don't give me that bullshit, my brother said. You have no virtues. I used to tell myself that all the time. No, I said, I have virtues. No, he said. You're just making excuses- rationalizing it to yourself. You have no virtues. I used to tell myself that but it was just something I had to get over cause it was bullshit. I used to tell myself that when I was all alone at parties. But then I just realized that it doesn't matter. You can just fuck them. Well, that's easy for you, I said. Girls have always liked you. They all just ignore me and I'm goddamn sure none of them are attracted to me. Guys are ugly, he said. you don't have to be good looking. I've been amazed about some of the girls who have slept with me. Like Kerenza, I said. No, not her, he said laughing. It was the other way around for her, I said. She must have been amazed that she could have gotten you. That's why she was calling you everyday for the next couple of weeks. Yeah, he said. I'm just waiting for Jennifer M. to realize that I'm just about the sex. I don't see myself in relationships. Nor do I, I said. I mean, I can- or I used to- sometimes I think about it. I think that it would be nice to be in a relationship. But right now I don't want anything to do with them. I mean, I just change too much. Like sometimes I guess I'm good for a relationship but then it would just be doomed for failure cause I change too fast. You get bored, my brother asked. No, I said. I just change. I don't know. Like I guess I'm just best off by myself. Cause I know I would just change and just be crazy all the time. Yeah, my brother said, with like Michaila, I just got bored. I mean she would fuck me like three times a day. And I guess that was nice but then she started getting attached to me and stuff and it started getting annoying. Yeah, I said, my impressions of women change. Like I loose respect for them and get really annoyed with them after a while. It doesn't take long if they're around enough. See, you didn't have to live with Michaila. Otherwise, you would have fucked her and broken up with her a lot sooner. Well she was over at my house like half the time, he said. No, I said, that was just because by then, I hated her so much and she hated me. Just like Heather. Like at first we got along fine and everything. But then, I just started to become annoyed. And I couldn't stand her and then she couldn't stand me. But she was a bitch. If you had lived with her, you would have gotten tired of her a lot earlier. Probably, he said.
We got lost in Jennifer M.'s neighborhood. My brother was on the phone with her. My sister was driving. Just flash your front light. Eventually we made the right turns and saw the light flash once. Alright, my brother said, hanging up the phone. We pulled into a space and she came outside. Me and my brother thought about switching seats, so he could sit in the back with her but we decided why bother. She sat in the back next to me. I didn't say a word. I didn't look at her. I just stayed silent looking down at my old white running shoes. We went back to the bar. I followed silently, looking down. The bar looked the same. A couple of the Mexican waiters and cooks were coming in and out every once in a while to get a drink. We sat down. Foff-y was behind the bar, changing the music on his ipod. I looked down and didn't say anything. I was in between my sister and Jennifer M. and my brother was next to her. For a little while my brother and her were talking. Then, my sister and Jennifer M. were talking for a real long time. I felt invisible. I just sat there, my eyes were closing. I was trying to block everything out. I wish I were somewhere else. I wish I weren't here. There's got to be some place where they would see me. What's wrong, Phillip? Someone said, laughing. He's just mad cause he can't drink any. Yeah, he's been quiet tonight, Jennifer M. said. I was silent. I closed my eyes. I tried to picture other places. I thought about leaving. I wanted to leave. I needed some fresh air. I needed to go for a walk. I didn't care about anything. I wanted to just disappear.
We continued following Harmen for a long time. He pulled into a gas station out in the middle of nowhere. There were hayfields and cornfields and cows and every type of farm land about us. All I can say is, I know we're close, I said to Josh. I've been here. I recognize everything. I just don't quite remember. But I know we're close. It's only like a couple of miles away, I said. Jimi Hendrix was still playing. Might as well go in and get a drink while I can, I said. That's a good idea, Josh said. I stepped out. He turned off the car and came in behind me. We were at the drinks. I'm trying to see if they have any good beer, Josh said. I'm still too young to buy any of that, I said. Where are those arizona drinks? Nevermind I said. I reached for a Sobe- Pina Colada. Josh grabbed something non-alcoholic. I got some gum at the counter. Want a piece, I asked when we were back to the car. Sure, he said as I handed it to him. We got back into the car and followed Harmen more. Jimi Hendrix. A song started. I haven't hear this version before, I said. He said something that I couldn't hear. No, I said. This is new rising sun or whatever, right? He did the intro and he's just like soloing off of it. I haven't heard this version. What is it a live recording or something? It's from Crash Landing, he said. Oh, I said, is that one of those albums they put together like after he was dead. Yeah, he said, something like that. Yeah, I don't have that one, I said. It was quiet again except for the music. Harmen pointed his hand to a field to the right. About thirty seconds later on a bend, he turned onto a gravel driveway and we followed him. Yep, this it, I said. I've been here lots. I just couldn't tell you how to get here. Cause I'm never the one to drive or anything. We followed him all the way up the driveway and through a gateway where a couple of barns and a silo and all of his vehicles and equipment and tractors were. We parked. He was standing there, looking in one of the barns where he stores hay at his hay bailer. We waited for sometime. Harmen did some things. He took the bailer off of his tractor and Lee came over and helped load his truck up with hay. Me and Josh walked around looking at things. An old MGB MT in the shed. That thing's a death trap, Josh said. That thing's a death trap. He lifted up the hood and we looked in. We walked back and Harmen was talking to Lee, a big black man in his forties or fifties with a big ford pickup truck. The one says he has problems fitting it into a regular condom, Harmen was saying. And Phillip, this one, he says he can't fit his into an extra large condom. He says he has constriction problems. I did not say that, I said. Harmen went on. I just let him. Me and Josh smiled. The boy's well-hung, Lee said. Lee drove away. And we waited some more. Josh got his shotgun and skeet stuff out and put it all in Harmen's ford pickup. We were about to go. My brother was supposed to meet us down at the field in about ten minutes. I leaned on the truck. Josh was at his car. I saw him covering his hands and face with lotion. He came over. Harmen started the truck. I opened the front door. Josh made his way for the back of the truck. When you're burned you can't sweat. So, you have to moisturize, he said. I shut the door. What did he say, Harmen asked. I repeated it. We drove down to the field and waited. He said they'd be here in ten minutes, Harmen said. How long has it been Josh asked. Ten minutes, Harmen said. And right after that we heard the noise of a car coming up the driveway. There they are. My brother and Jennifer M. came in his car with the doc, in his white ford, was following. My brother brought some bags of some more ammunition and another shotgun. And we all got in the back of Harmen's pickup and drove out to the next field over where we were going to shoot. The Doc followed in his truck. We setup so that we were shooting over a swmapy triangle of land where Harmen hadn't cut hay. He didn't want the pieces of clay pigeons going into his good haying fields.
I went into 7-11. Went straight for the coffee. I'm going to drink coffee this morning. I've got to cowboy up. It's time that I cowboy up. I've got a lot to do today. One of the employees was standing by the coffee. I didn't know which one to get. I grabbed a cup and waited for her to leave. Then I poured some. Then I poured a bunch of creamer in it and whatever else I could find. I wanted to make like a custom starbucks kind of drink. Maybe I could just start drinking coffee like that and then get used to it.
I had to leave. I couldn't stand to sit at that bar any longer. It must have been hours that I had been there. I hadn't gotten up except to use the bathroom once and to go with them to pick up Jennifer M. once.
We shot some skeet. Josh was the best. I haven't shot any since I got burned and had my stroke like five years ago, he said. I used to do it all the time. I was state champion for four years running in what-do-you-call it? 4-H. Doc was good. We used to shoot all the time in Tennessee, he said. The rest of us just had to pick up on it. Harmen and my brother were doing it pretty quickly. I think Jennifer M. hit it her first attempt but then she only hit one or two more the whole rest of the day. I didn't hit any until Harmen explained to me how to look down the barrel of the gun and follow the pigeon in your sight. Then I was hitting every single one. We had two skeet shooters and three shotguns. There were shells everwhere. We had to go around afterwards and pick them all up. I went back with my brother and we dropped Jennifer M. off in Warrenton. Doc followed us to Warrenton. Josh went back on his own. Harmen had some things to do. My mother had called up earlier. We were all supposed to be back by 6:20 because she bought tickets for the Lipizzaners stallion show at the Patriot Center. Later, when we were at the show, she said, those aren't the real Lipizzaners. I've been to Vienna, Austria and seen the real Spanish school of Lipizzaners. They're perfect there. They have everything polished and they don't make a mistake. They wouldn't allow women as riders, anyway. My brother stayed at home that night. Me and Harmen, and my sister all went with my mother to the show.
Anyway, people are all shitty, I said. I think it's about time to get out, my brother said getting out. I stood a second, allowing the water to drip off me back into the hottub. Anyway, I'm just complaining about shit, I said while drying myself off with a towl.
My eye had been twitching the whole night. I was worried I was developing a twitch like that kid Todd, I used to know. He never even knew he had a twitch until someone told him. I closed my eyes. I had to leave. I left the bar, hoping somehow no one would notice me. But it didn't matter to me. My sister came after me. Where are you going? You better be back within the next minutes cause we're leaving. Where are you going? I'm going home, I muttered. I walked out the door and held tightly to my coat and scarf. It was nasty outside. Cold and rainy. I walked and walked furiously. I just hope they don't come driving by me while I'm walking and try to pick me up. I just walk back home. I'll be back there before they get there. Then I saw a nice looking lodge. I could probably go in there and they'd tell me the number of a taxi service and let me use their phone. No. It looks too nice. I don't want to go there. I'll just go to some gas station. I saw a 7-11 up ahead. I'll just go there. I was already starting to feel cold. I zipped up my coat. I wouldn't be able to just sleep somewhere outside around town. I had to get a taxi. I went to the 7-11.
I bought my coffee and left the 7-11. I crossed Grace Street and continued down Harrison. So much fog.
There was someone at the counter. I decided I would just look around the store until there was no one at the counter and ask them for a phone book or something. But right behind me some kids came in, I turned and first thing I saw was John F. Hey there. How perfect, I thought. He was with Mike and another one of thier friends. They were buying beer. Hey are you by chance going back to Marshall tonight, I asked John. Yeah. Do mind if I hitch a ride. Sure, he said. So you doing anything with music, I asked him. You know, he said, not much. A little here and there. You? Eh, I said, I've been jamming around with Ben but nothing really. They bought their beer, I followed them out to their suv. So, you guys don't mind me hitching with you, I asked. No, not at all, they said. Are you supposed to be somewhere or anything? No. Not at all, I said. I can be anywhere. I just gave up my ride. I just had to take a walk and I came to the 7-11 cause I was going to call for a taxi. We went back to Mike's house. John asked if I wanted him to take me home then. I said, no, I don't have to be home until tomorrow afternoon for Thanksgiving dinner. So, whenever it's best for you. Okay, he said. I could just hang out with you guys. I felt like I was imposing but I didn't really care. Sure. I went in. They kept on offering me beer, I felt bad accepting it, still feeling that I was imposing. We started to play apples to apples. I started to get a little drunk. We were all laughing. We played for a couple of hours and chilled and got drunk. And then John decided it was time to go home. I followed him out to his car. It had stopped raining. We took the backroads and we talked about music and such along the ride. I snuck around back of the house and used the bathroom and went to the room where I was staying. My mom and Harmen came down. It was probably three or four in the morning. They were happy that I was back. My sister had apparently called them and told them that I had run away or something. We thought you had decided to go back to Richmond or something, Harmen said. It's a long walk to Richmond. They made my bed up for me. And gave me a dog and a cat to snuggle. I was a little drunk. I felt good. I fell right to sleep.
No, I thought as I was walking back to my bike. I don't want to start drinking coffee. It stains your teeth. It's okay. I won't start. I won't get addicted or anything. I don't get addicted to things. I'm not like my syblings. I don't depend on things like that. I guess that's what people do. As you get older, you come to depend on things even for things in place of the most natural processes. You have to have alcohol to put you to sleep at night and coffee to wake you up in the morning. I guess, you depend on lots of things as a kid. You depend on all the things that your parents provide you. And then when you get older, you just replace your dependencies with other more unnecessary dependencies. I suppose, the more dependent you were on your parents as a kid, the more dependent you are on other things as an adult. I found my bike in the fog. I put the chain back on the gears and rolled it alongside my feet as I walked back, sipping from a cup of coffee in the one hand. I thought about the fog. I wonder if there are bandits of revolutionaries that go about in fog like this? If not, there should be.
I was sitting next to Josh in his car. The sun was low and hot through the windshield. We were waiting for Harmen to get on his motorcycle and take the lead. You smoke weed? Yeah, sure, I said. Smell this, he said. I smelled. Mmmm. Stinky weed, he said. I felt hot. I'll go put this scarf back inside I said. Alright he said. I won't leave you. I ran back inside and threw the scarf on the black leather ottoman by the door. My brother and Jennifer M. were on the couch, sitting close together.
Did you do it in the hottub? Yeah. Did you get any in it? No, I didn't finish there. Good. I fucked her for like 30min and couldn't finish. So, you didn't soil the hottub? No. We went upstairs and soiled memaw's bed- well, not her bed- but the bed next to it. You mean in their room? No. The other room upstairs. The guestbedroom. Oh. Good. But you didn't soil the hottub? No. It's harder to do it in the hottub. It's really hard. There's no lubrication. Well, did she soil it? I wouldn't be able to tell. There was water all over the place. She soiled the bed upstairs. Did you clean up? Not yet. So, it looks like someone's been there? Yeah, it definitely looks like someone's been there.
My bike chain fell off as I turned onto Harrison. I coasted up hill a little ways and then pulled it off the street. I chained it to a light pole. I wouldn't normally chain my bike there, I thought. It's kind of a sketchy place. But considering the fog. Well, the fog would probably make someone more likely to steal a bike. No one would see them do it- especially right there. I wonder if there's more crime in fog? And if there isn't, there should be. There's only like 20 feet of visibility, if not less. I was walking. I'm going to go to 7-11 and get some coffee, I thought. It's time I start cowboying up. The caffein will probably help. That's what normal people do. I usually just get hot chocolate or something and I expect all the sugar to have the same effect. Caffein is probably different. I thought about coffee beans for a while.
I was sitting at the bar in Agave with my sister. Kevin was about two seats down from me. Barret was about two seats down from him, at the very end. My sister was talking to Foff-y. He was working the bar. I was paying attention to them. Suddenly, some bad noise broke out. Why haven't you called me, bitch? Other curse words over some trivial matter. The two man stood up. It looked like there could be a fight. I looked at my sister and then at Foff-y. He raised his eyebrows and made an ee face. In between the violent energy was Kevin's girlfriend. I kept looking at her. She must be my age or younger. I know Kevin likes them young. She's pretty cute, I thought, or at least for Kevin and all the shit she must put up with from him. How is she taking all this? The whole night, I was wondering that. I kept on looking at her expressions whenever he said something filthy to the boys. Dirty comedy on and off cue. It was his trademark. He spit it out with each sentence. That's the only reason anyone liked him. His perversion of the English language. He would always call me Phil-up my board shorts or Phil-up my pant leg. I wondered if that's why she likes him? No. It's impossible. She probably only sees his positive traits through other people. Other people laugh at him, so she assumes he's funny. Other people talk to him. So she assumes he's popular. It's funny how much people rely on other people to form opinions on things- even such simple things. I suppose in a way, we have evolved into a greater organism. I've been thinking about that a lot. I don't know. Kevin's girlfriend got her things together. He got his things together- puffed up looking- with dramatic airs that implied that it would be a waste of time to fight Barret. I was looking for him to pay his tab. But I didn't see it. Apparently he did. He had asked for a box for his food earlier, after he lost his appetite. He said he would come back later. Foff-y said they were having an after-hours party or something at the bar. He left without saying anything to any of us, shoulders up, lips pointed out, eye brows down, head shaking, fat coat, girlfriend somewhere close by- whether she was in front of him or behind him I can't remember but either way it seemed like he was dragging her with his testosterone. As they made for the door, my brother came in. He had just gone to get some cigarettes. He had to drive the car down to some gas station cause the place across the street had just closed. It was starting to get late. It was cold and rainy outside. Cold and rainy. There was no other way of putting it. It was nasty. Earlier, my brother was sitting at the bar. He was out of cigarettes. Kevin was sitting a stool away from him. He was out of cigarettes. They both wanted to smoke but nobody wanted to go out into the cold rain. Kevin got up, said he was going to go ask Juan, one of the cooks, if he could have a cigarette. Get me one, too my brother said. No way, Kevin said, you have to fend for yourself. Fuck you, my brother said. Kevin turned around and flicked him off and went off into the the other room to go to the kitchen. I hate him, my brother said. Jen, let me have your keys. Why? I'm going to get some cigarettes. Go to the place across the street. I think they're closed now. Oh. Are you sure. The lights are off, I said. You should have gone earlier, she said. I'm gonna go down the street to one of those gas stations, my brother said. You're drunk, my sister said. Just down the street. I'll be back in a couple of minutes. Kevin came back with two cigarettes. He put one in the groove in the ash tray and took the other one to his mouth. Does someone have a lighter, he asked. I do, my sister said. She handed him her lighter. He lit. She took her lighter back. A bit later she reached her hand in front of me, over to where Kevin was holding his cigarette over the ashtray. He took a drag. Let me have a drag, she said. He handed it to her. She took a couple of drags and handed it back to him. Why does she always want a taste or a drag or a bite of everything, I thought, annoyed. Always. Everything. She always has to put her mouth on it. She doesn't even smoke anymore and Kevin does and he has two cigatettes.
I ran back into the car with Josh. We sat there for a while waiting for Harmen. It was quiet. So, what you been up to? Not much. Same old, same old. You're in college now, right? Yep. VCU. I smilled an embarrassed smile as though I were proud of something. It was quiet again. I put on my seat belt. Don't worry. I'm not offended by you putting on your seat belt. I looked up. What? Oh. It's funny, I paused. Deja-vu, I said. Josh said something. I was completely in a trance, watching a whole series of events unfold. I had seen this before. Maybe this was the car ride in which I was supposed to die. Or I was at least going to die sometime today. Maybe, there would be an accident with the guns. I started speaking, straining really hard to produce each word. No. It's a funny thing, I said slowly. Normally- I wouldn't put my seat belt on. But I mean- no, it's funny. I've noticed this before. It's a security thing. I feel more secure with the seat belt on. I mean like if I'm just sitting in the car and we're just waiting. It's the long quiet and awkward- you know. So, I just feel more comfortable- more secure- with the seat belt on. But like if I get into a car and we just start driving- I usually don't even put my seat belt on- I don't bother. It's just a security thing. My monologue delivered, Josh said, it's cool. Let's put something better on, he said. He turned off the low buzzing of the radio, which I had hardly noticed, and grabbed a box of tapes from the back seat. He'll probably put on some hippy music I thought. Josh is a hippy. Always was. Harmen went past us with his motorcycle. Josh took out a tape. So, we just follow him? I guess so, I said. We followed. He stuck the tape in and turned up the volume. I heard two second long drum intro and the first two notes of the guitar and said, Jimi Hendrix. I looked down at my old white running shoes. I started tapping to the beat.
I crossed Grace Street, looking both ways into the fog. A car was coming at me, so I walked faster at the end. A woman was looking in at some of the things posted in the window at the Village Cafe. She was a black woman. Probably in her forties. A hood and thick coat concealed her. I looked over her shoulder to see what she was looking at. I couldn't tell. It looked like the cafe was open. That's all I could tell. I turned the corner to 7-11, where all the payphones are, I was expecting for someone to be there. There's always somewhere there asking you for change. They always ask for change before you go in, too. Maybe, they'd think I was stuck in Richmond if they saw me now. Maybe I should go to the payphones. There was nobody there. I thought about Warrenton. This seems like it would be better to be stuck here than in Warrenton, I thought. Richmond is big. I wouldn't mind being homeless if I were here. I mean stuck here. I thought about having a conversation with one of those people that are normally there. I would say, you're in Richmond. What are you complaining about? It's a big city. You can go anywhere. I'm sure there lots of people who would take you in. Well, then I thought again, maybe it's easier being a white college student. I could just party or stay with friends or something. Well, there are lots of black people here. Don't you know anyone here, I would say. Don't you have any friends or family? I suppose you wouldn't be welcome at a lot of the places that I am. But you'd be welcome at a lot of place that I'm not. And I thought of Oregon Hill. They're always nice to bums there. Everyone's a bum there. You could probably hang out at parties in Oregon Hill. I remember come of those characters. What's his name? Eh- I don't remember his name. But plenty of people do. I wouldn't mind being stuck in Richmond for a while.
We sat there at the bar for a while. Barret was talking about how his girlfriend's restaurant wouldn't serve him. He kept on saying how he cursed out those Irish fuckers and left. Those fucking potato digging bitches. I sat there for thirty minutes. They served so and so before they served me. And she's only nineteen or something. He talked about Kevin. Him and my brother caught up on some things. His girlfriend came in. You're off work? Yeah, she said. She didn't look like she was in a very good mood. We had to hear his complaining about her restaurant a couple more times. My sister was calling people on my brother's phone, trying to find something to do. Somewhere to go. My brother started text messaging with Jennifer M.. Are we going to do anything, I kept asking. Can we leave? Barret's girlfriend went out to the car. He asked Foff-y, if I come back with this glass tomorrow, can I just take this drink home? He kept on asking. Just get a to-go cup. Can I get to-go cup, then? Yeah, that way nobody will see you. Well, it's still not that- yeah, Foff-y said. He poured the glass into a small styrofoam cup. The drink was a turquoise color. I wasn't sure what it was. It only went half-way up the small styrofoam cup. He was complaining about his girlfriend's restaurant and Kevin some more. I think she came back in and stood by the door and then he took the hint. He paid his tab and left. We sat there more. We described to my brother the episode that had occurred right before he came in with the cigarettes.
Jimi Hendrix played the whole time as we followed Harmen and his motorcycle through miles and miles of windy rural road. I listened attentively. Jimi Hendrix. It brought back old memories and all sorts of thoughts. I wanted to say something. The thing is- the think about Jimi Hendrix, I imagined myself saying, well- everybody since him who plays his music or his style- well they've all been those technical guys. And Hendrix was a complete natural. He just played this stuff. You can hear it. He didn't think about technical stuff. He just played. He just heard the music. There've been very few, if any, naturals like that since him. He was one of a kind. Deffinitely. It's just pure fluidity. I was really into Hendrix, I guess all throughout high school. I thought, Josh probably was, too. Josh is a hippy. He's always been. But he's like a strange breeding of hippy and redneck, that as far as I can tell, seems to only occur around those parts where I grew up. Central northern Virginia, near the Appalachia. He's a liberal and he smokes lots of weed and has Dead bears sowed into his self-made bell bottoms. And he's an auto-mechanic and talks something like a redneck, lives in the hills, and shoots shotguns. That's where we were going. To shoot shotguns. I haven't shot any in like five years, he said. Not since I got burned. I used to do it all the time. I haven't shot since uh- the day before yesterday- Thanksgiving, I said. Well, that's recent he said. It was my first time shooting the shutgun, I said. We went out there and shot all sorts of guns. Made a lot of noise. I've never shot skeet before, though. We were coming into Warrenton, to pass through. There were lots of motorcycles out. I commented on it. It's a good day for it, Josh said. We kept on driving. Jimi Hendrix still playing.
My brother was text messaging. My sister was talking to Foff-y. I was sitting there. When are we going to go? I thought we just came here for dinner. I kept closing my eyes. My sister was working thiks out with Foff-y. My brother was working things out with Jennifer M.. She's just waiting for a friend. She aksed who's here, he said. Tell her. Tell her to come here. She can't. She's waiting for her friend. Oh yeah, what's her name. You should do them both- get her to do a threesome, I said. No way, Foff-y said. Her friend's gross. Oh, yeah. Yeah- what's-her-name. She's all cracked out. She fucks everybody. She's gross. Why does Jennifer M. hang out with her. I don't think she does that shit anymore. Have you ever had sex with Jennifer M., my sister asked Foff-y. I took her virginity in a bathtub, he said. What? He repeated. How many girls' virginity have you taken? He shrugged. Is that Kevin's food there, my brother asked looking at the box on the other side of the bar. Yeah, Foff-y said. He said he'd come back for it but he probably won't. Here, my brother said, let me spit in it. Foff-y handed it to him and he opened the styrofoam box and spat in the food, closed it and handed it back to Foff-y. I hate Kevin. He went back to his text messaging. She wants us to pick her up. My brother walked outside with the phone. He was talking to her. When are we leaving, I kept on saying. My brother came back in. She lives like two miles away. My sister was still looking for something to do. Somewhere to go. Let's just go over there, my brother said. Why? So we can sit there in the livingroom as you have sex with her, my sister said. Yeah, my brother said. No. Foff-y, aren't your parents gone, my sister asked? Yeah, he said. Can we go there? Yeah. But we've got to call Victor. Okay. No, I said. I don't want to go back to foff-y's house so I can sit there and wait in the livingroom while you have sex with Jennifer M. in one room and you have sex with Foff-y in another room, I said. Alright, my sister said. We'll go pick her up and then we'll come back here and then we'll go back to Foff-y's. My brother was on the phone with Victor. He just wants some wine. We were figuring out how to divide the bill. Harmen had given each of us twenty dollars before we left that night. My brother and sister both tried turning it down. He insisted. They took it. Then, he was looking for twenty to give to me. I waited. Don't take his money, my sister said. No. How are you going to tell me that? After you both just took his money, I said. He had thrown it at us. A strange passive agressive tendency he has. No, he said. He has no money in his wallet. I took out my wallet, opened it. There was no money. See, he said. He has no money. I took the twenty and put it in there. Out in the car, my brother said- never turn down Harmen's money. He'll get mad about it and complain about it later. But he'll get mad and complain about something else, anyway. Give him your twenty, my sister said. I know, I said angrily. What the fuck? I know. No, my brother said. I'll just put it all on mom's credit card. Okay, I said. I'll just use part of my twenty as a tip I have to, I thought. You two give him ten dollars each of your twenties as a tip, my sister said. Mine is for gas money to drive us all around. Oh my god, I said. What do you think I was going to do? It's not like I had this money to start with. Well, you were going to use your whole twenty and now you're only using ten dollars from it, so you should consider yourself ahead, my sister said. Fuck off, I muttered. We left. Alright. We're just going to pick her up and we'll be right back. Yeah, Foff-y said. Come back here. We're going to be partying after hours. Just the employees. Free booze and shit. We walked outside. It was nasty. Cold and rainy. Where's the car, my sister asked. It's right there, my brother replied. I parked it closer. Oh, yeah. When you went out to get cigarettes.
Me and my brother were in the hottub. I was complaining about all sorts of things. He was mostly listening. He kind of seemed like he could see through everything me with everything I said. I was complaining about Heather and what a bitch and what a phony and what a whore I thought she was. Yeah, and she killed Shaina, he said. Yeah, she fucking killed Shaina. And she probably fucking killed that girl that girl that she was living with when her house burnt down. It was probably her. She's fucking clumsy and wreckless like that. You better be careful, my brother said. Yeah, she's always leaving the stove on and shit. I am a little worried. Cause I feel like she'll somehow live on and get old while everyone around her will be harmed. She just has that negativity about her, I said. I thought to myself, she's like the poison woman. Yeah, that's right, I said. She fucking killed Shaina. And Shaina was nice. I guess she was kind of a whore and a dumb bitch, too. But she was nice. There was always something positive about her. She was always happy and tried to make people happy. And she actually tried to sleep with me once. She tried to sleep with me, too, my brother said. I would probably be living with her right now, I said, instead of that fucking whore-ass Heather. And the only reason she's with this fucker- she's fucking this guy from Florida- I mean she goes and fucks him every two months or so and says she's not fucking anyone else- I think it's just to try to convince herself that she's not a whore anymore. I mean I think he might think that he's in love with her or something or have some misconception like that because he doesn't know her well enough. But for her, it's just about sex. She doesn't give a shit. She's just fucking him longdistance-wise, so she can tell her friends and herself and everybody that she's not a whore, I said. Yeah, my brother said, she fucked Andrew. Yeah, exactly. She fucked Andrew. Back in the day before he was married and shit. It's funny. We'll have friends over- I'll be hanging out with friends and we'll all be in a room. Heather will be there. I mean like whenever we're hanging out with people, I can't help but think about the fact that she's fucked everyone of them. And she'll still just be there, hanging out- like nothing ever happened and nobody knows. Well, she hasn't fucked Ben, has she, my brother asked. No, I don't think so, I said. Maybe. Probably. I don't know. There's just something that seems like they didn't. Anyway, people are shitty. I've never met a woman I could respect. They're all such bitches, I said. And all guys are assholes, my brother said. Yeah, that's true, I said. People are just plain shitty. That's the problem. And everyone in Richmond is shitty, I said. Except for my friends down there, my brother said. Matt and Andrew and Ben. They're good people. Yeah, they are, I said. And Charlie. Well, my brother said, Charlie has his quirks. You don't know him as well, I said. No, he said, but Charlie has his quirks. He has an anger problem, he said. That's just because last time you saw him you got into a big argument with him and his girlfriend or something. He says you argue about everything, I said. Yeah, he said, he looses his temper really easy though. He gets angry really easy. He has his quirks. I haven't noticed it but I quess so, I said. Matt and Andrew and Ben and you and I- we all have our quirks. True, my brother said. Everyone has their quirks, I said. That's there problem. Everyone has their imperfections. I know I have my quirks. I'm sure I have quirks, too, my brother said. I'm not sure I know what they are, though. It's hard to tell your own quirks, he said. I know my quirks, I said. Like what? I thought. Ummm. I can be an asshole sometimes. Oh, I know I can be an asshole, my brother said. But I mean- the thing is, I said, I do it only for my own amusement. I don't know. I never used to think of myself as an asshole. But with Heather calling me one every single day. Calling me an asshole, calling me ugly- I don't know- I just came to accept it. The funny thing is that I'm so not an asshole to her. I mean I did nice things for her all the time. And she just took it all for granted. Like I would have done anything for her. And she'd turn right around and call me an asshole all the time. I suppose for my imperfections- I can be an asshole- I am definitely an asshole sometimes. She's a fucking bitch, though. She's wreckless, I said. It was a pretty asshole thing you did last night walking away, my brother said. No, I said. That wasn't asshole. That was- I don't know, I didn't care about anything. It was suicidal. I was going to go jump off a bridge somewhere. Well, next time you're about to go jump off a cliff, you should at least tell us first, he said. No. That doesn't make any sense, I said. He repeated what he had just said back to himself, laughing. Yeah, it's just something I do, I said. It's one of my quirks, I suppose. I just had to take a walk. I didn't care where I was going or what was going to happen to me or anything. It wasn't an asshole thing. Yeah, my brother said, but you can't just leave when you have a ride waiting on you. That is kind of an asshole thing to do. Jennifer was flipping out. We had to look all over for you. She was about to call the cops. What the fuck, I said. The cops would laugh. What's that? A twenty- and almost twenty-year old man- walking around with a credit card with $300 on it has gone missing for an hour in Warrenton. I was going to call a taxi from that 7-11. Yeah, my brother said, but it was kind of an asshole thing to do. You guys were being assholes, I said. I didn't want to sit there in foff-y's livingroom with vicotor as you guys went into your bedrooms and had sex. You guys had your night out on town, why couldn't I have mine? I had a lot of fun with those guys- John and Mike and those other guys. We drank beer and played games and hung out and shit. I'm glad I left. But that's just one of my quirks, I guess. I just leave places. I just have to walk away. I suppose that's why Richmond's a better place for me. I can just always walk home, no matter where I am. Like I just can't stand these people. And all these parties that Jennifer takes me to- I can't stand them- I just have to walk away. I just have to go on walks. I've always been the same way, my brother said. I like to just sneak out without anybody noticing me, I said. Me, too, he said. Like I'd rather be hanging out with real people. I hate those parties Jen takes me to. I always have to leave. More and more. I'd rather be hanging out with real friends- I mean like decent people- and even more than that, I'd like to just be by meself. You need your space, my brother said, I'm the same way. Well, it's not just that, I said. I need the walk, too. I don't know. I just feel like walking and it's better than staying where I'm at. And to be honest, I said. To be honest. It's really just- I mean, I just walk away when I'm feeling underutilized or... Underutilized, my brother said. Yeah, you know, I said, underutilized or unappreciated. You mean when you're not the center of attention, my brother said. No. I mean I always feel like there's some place out there- there are some people out there who would just appreciate me and appreciate me being there. I don't know. And if not, I'd rather just be alone. But I like meeting people. I always like meeting new people. I always want to meet and hang out with new people or I mean even things like when I convinved those people that I was a Mexican. Things like that. I like to have adventures. I like new people. I don't know. Not like Jennifer. You know how she is- she likes parties Fauqier style. She likes to go to a party or have parties with only people she already knows- I mean with the same people she's been partying with forever and stay at the party all night. She comes home and says things like you missed out, you should have come to that party. They had two kegs and three floors and loafs of bread. Loaves of bread, my brother asked. Yeah, I said. Loaves. And she said there were lots of hot guys and hot girls. I don't know why she would even care about hot guys. She has her Foff-y. And she couldn't stand to give him up. Can't give up seven years. But they still both whore around every once in a while. But I don't even know why she goes to parties anymore. For me, it seems like the only reason to go to parties is to get laid. And I give up on that. I'd rather just be by myself. I don't even see the purpose of drinking anymore except to drink whiskey with the boys and be drunk and dirty in the middle of the day. I don't know. Fuck girls. They're all such dumb-asses, I said. That's what you get for choosing to live with Jennifer and Heather, my brother said. Yeah, you're right. That's what it is. Fuck Heather. Sometimes I think I should just you know- if I fucked her or something, I would win the power struggle or whatever and make her realize what a dumb bitch whore she is, I said. I'm sure I could come down there and fuck her, my brother said. Yeah, I said, but that- I don't think that would work. I mean maybe. But she probably wants to fuck you. That would make her all proud and shit. I don't think she wants to fuck me, he said. Oh, I said, I thought that all of Jennifer's friends always wanted to fuck you. Yeah, he said, but I don't think she ever did. But I'm sure I could go down there and fuck her and then tell her she's a bitch and a whore and make her really sad. Yeah, maybe, I said. But I don't think that would work. I know she definitely wouldn't want to fuck me. But I just feel like if I did it like without actually wanting to, I wouldn't have to worry about her anymore. But whatever, she's not worth talking about. I don't want anything to do with any girls anymore, I said. You know, my brother said, it's not that hard to get girls to have sex with you. Yeah, I suppose I'm just what did they they say- 'putting the pussy on a pedestal'. But I guess the thing is- I mean- I have virtues. Don't give me that bullshit, my brother said. You have no virtues. I used to tell myself that all the time. No, I said, I have virtues. No, he said. You're just making excuses- rationalizing it to yourself. You have no virtues. I used to tell myself that but it was just something I had to get over cause it was bullshit. I used to tell myself that when I was all alone at parties. But then I just realized that it doesn't matter. You can just fuck them. Well, that's easy for you, I said. Girls have always liked you. They all just ignore me and I'm goddamn sure none of them are attracted to me. Guys are ugly, he said. you don't have to be good looking. I've been amazed about some of the girls who have slept with me. Like Kerenza, I said. No, not her, he said laughing. It was the other way around for her, I said. She must have been amazed that she could have gotten you. That's why she was calling you everyday for the next couple of weeks. Yeah, he said. I'm just waiting for Jennifer M. to realize that I'm just about the sex. I don't see myself in relationships. Nor do I, I said. I mean, I can- or I used to- sometimes I think about it. I think that it would be nice to be in a relationship. But right now I don't want anything to do with them. I mean, I just change too much. Like sometimes I guess I'm good for a relationship but then it would just be doomed for failure cause I change too fast. You get bored, my brother asked. No, I said. I just change. I don't know. Like I guess I'm just best off by myself. Cause I know I would just change and just be crazy all the time. Yeah, my brother said, with like Michaila, I just got bored. I mean she would fuck me like three times a day. And I guess that was nice but then she started getting attached to me and stuff and it started getting annoying. Yeah, I said, my impressions of women change. Like I loose respect for them and get really annoyed with them after a while. It doesn't take long if they're around enough. See, you didn't have to live with Michaila. Otherwise, you would have fucked her and broken up with her a lot sooner. Well she was over at my house like half the time, he said. No, I said, that was just because by then, I hated her so much and she hated me. Just like Heather. Like at first we got along fine and everything. But then, I just started to become annoyed. And I couldn't stand her and then she couldn't stand me. But she was a bitch. If you had lived with her, you would have gotten tired of her a lot earlier. Probably, he said.
We got lost in Jennifer M.'s neighborhood. My brother was on the phone with her. My sister was driving. Just flash your front light. Eventually we made the right turns and saw the light flash once. Alright, my brother said, hanging up the phone. We pulled into a space and she came outside. Me and my brother thought about switching seats, so he could sit in the back with her but we decided why bother. She sat in the back next to me. I didn't say a word. I didn't look at her. I just stayed silent looking down at my old white running shoes. We went back to the bar. I followed silently, looking down. The bar looked the same. A couple of the Mexican waiters and cooks were coming in and out every once in a while to get a drink. We sat down. Foff-y was behind the bar, changing the music on his ipod. I looked down and didn't say anything. I was in between my sister and Jennifer M. and my brother was next to her. For a little while my brother and her were talking. Then, my sister and Jennifer M. were talking for a real long time. I felt invisible. I just sat there, my eyes were closing. I was trying to block everything out. I wish I were somewhere else. I wish I weren't here. There's got to be some place where they would see me. What's wrong, Phillip? Someone said, laughing. He's just mad cause he can't drink any. Yeah, he's been quiet tonight, Jennifer M. said. I was silent. I closed my eyes. I tried to picture other places. I thought about leaving. I wanted to leave. I needed some fresh air. I needed to go for a walk. I didn't care about anything. I wanted to just disappear.
We continued following Harmen for a long time. He pulled into a gas station out in the middle of nowhere. There were hayfields and cornfields and cows and every type of farm land about us. All I can say is, I know we're close, I said to Josh. I've been here. I recognize everything. I just don't quite remember. But I know we're close. It's only like a couple of miles away, I said. Jimi Hendrix was still playing. Might as well go in and get a drink while I can, I said. That's a good idea, Josh said. I stepped out. He turned off the car and came in behind me. We were at the drinks. I'm trying to see if they have any good beer, Josh said. I'm still too young to buy any of that, I said. Where are those arizona drinks? Nevermind I said. I reached for a Sobe- Pina Colada. Josh grabbed something non-alcoholic. I got some gum at the counter. Want a piece, I asked when we were back to the car. Sure, he said as I handed it to him. We got back into the car and followed Harmen more. Jimi Hendrix. A song started. I haven't hear this version before, I said. He said something that I couldn't hear. No, I said. This is new rising sun or whatever, right? He did the intro and he's just like soloing off of it. I haven't heard this version. What is it a live recording or something? It's from Crash Landing, he said. Oh, I said, is that one of those albums they put together like after he was dead. Yeah, he said, something like that. Yeah, I don't have that one, I said. It was quiet again except for the music. Harmen pointed his hand to a field to the right. About thirty seconds later on a bend, he turned onto a gravel driveway and we followed him. Yep, this it, I said. I've been here lots. I just couldn't tell you how to get here. Cause I'm never the one to drive or anything. We followed him all the way up the driveway and through a gateway where a couple of barns and a silo and all of his vehicles and equipment and tractors were. We parked. He was standing there, looking in one of the barns where he stores hay at his hay bailer. We waited for sometime. Harmen did some things. He took the bailer off of his tractor and Lee came over and helped load his truck up with hay. Me and Josh walked around looking at things. An old MGB MT in the shed. That thing's a death trap, Josh said. That thing's a death trap. He lifted up the hood and we looked in. We walked back and Harmen was talking to Lee, a big black man in his forties or fifties with a big ford pickup truck. The one says he has problems fitting it into a regular condom, Harmen was saying. And Phillip, this one, he says he can't fit his into an extra large condom. He says he has constriction problems. I did not say that, I said. Harmen went on. I just let him. Me and Josh smiled. The boy's well-hung, Lee said. Lee drove away. And we waited some more. Josh got his shotgun and skeet stuff out and put it all in Harmen's ford pickup. We were about to go. My brother was supposed to meet us down at the field in about ten minutes. I leaned on the truck. Josh was at his car. I saw him covering his hands and face with lotion. He came over. Harmen started the truck. I opened the front door. Josh made his way for the back of the truck. When you're burned you can't sweat. So, you have to moisturize, he said. I shut the door. What did he say, Harmen asked. I repeated it. We drove down to the field and waited. He said they'd be here in ten minutes, Harmen said. How long has it been Josh asked. Ten minutes, Harmen said. And right after that we heard the noise of a car coming up the driveway. There they are. My brother and Jennifer M. came in his car with the doc, in his white ford, was following. My brother brought some bags of some more ammunition and another shotgun. And we all got in the back of Harmen's pickup and drove out to the next field over where we were going to shoot. The Doc followed in his truck. We setup so that we were shooting over a swmapy triangle of land where Harmen hadn't cut hay. He didn't want the pieces of clay pigeons going into his good haying fields.
I went into 7-11. Went straight for the coffee. I'm going to drink coffee this morning. I've got to cowboy up. It's time that I cowboy up. I've got a lot to do today. One of the employees was standing by the coffee. I didn't know which one to get. I grabbed a cup and waited for her to leave. Then I poured some. Then I poured a bunch of creamer in it and whatever else I could find. I wanted to make like a custom starbucks kind of drink. Maybe I could just start drinking coffee like that and then get used to it.
I had to leave. I couldn't stand to sit at that bar any longer. It must have been hours that I had been there. I hadn't gotten up except to use the bathroom once and to go with them to pick up Jennifer M. once.
We shot some skeet. Josh was the best. I haven't shot any since I got burned and had my stroke like five years ago, he said. I used to do it all the time. I was state champion for four years running in what-do-you-call it? 4-H. Doc was good. We used to shoot all the time in Tennessee, he said. The rest of us just had to pick up on it. Harmen and my brother were doing it pretty quickly. I think Jennifer M. hit it her first attempt but then she only hit one or two more the whole rest of the day. I didn't hit any until Harmen explained to me how to look down the barrel of the gun and follow the pigeon in your sight. Then I was hitting every single one. We had two skeet shooters and three shotguns. There were shells everwhere. We had to go around afterwards and pick them all up. I went back with my brother and we dropped Jennifer M. off in Warrenton. Doc followed us to Warrenton. Josh went back on his own. Harmen had some things to do. My mother had called up earlier. We were all supposed to be back by 6:20 because she bought tickets for the Lipizzaners stallion show at the Patriot Center. Later, when we were at the show, she said, those aren't the real Lipizzaners. I've been to Vienna, Austria and seen the real Spanish school of Lipizzaners. They're perfect there. They have everything polished and they don't make a mistake. They wouldn't allow women as riders, anyway. My brother stayed at home that night. Me and Harmen, and my sister all went with my mother to the show.
Anyway, people are all shitty, I said. I think it's about time to get out, my brother said getting out. I stood a second, allowing the water to drip off me back into the hottub. Anyway, I'm just complaining about shit, I said while drying myself off with a towl.
My eye had been twitching the whole night. I was worried I was developing a twitch like that kid Todd, I used to know. He never even knew he had a twitch until someone told him. I closed my eyes. I had to leave. I left the bar, hoping somehow no one would notice me. But it didn't matter to me. My sister came after me. Where are you going? You better be back within the next minutes cause we're leaving. Where are you going? I'm going home, I muttered. I walked out the door and held tightly to my coat and scarf. It was nasty outside. Cold and rainy. I walked and walked furiously. I just hope they don't come driving by me while I'm walking and try to pick me up. I just walk back home. I'll be back there before they get there. Then I saw a nice looking lodge. I could probably go in there and they'd tell me the number of a taxi service and let me use their phone. No. It looks too nice. I don't want to go there. I'll just go to some gas station. I saw a 7-11 up ahead. I'll just go there. I was already starting to feel cold. I zipped up my coat. I wouldn't be able to just sleep somewhere outside around town. I had to get a taxi. I went to the 7-11.
I bought my coffee and left the 7-11. I crossed Grace Street and continued down Harrison. So much fog.
There was someone at the counter. I decided I would just look around the store until there was no one at the counter and ask them for a phone book or something. But right behind me some kids came in, I turned and first thing I saw was John F. Hey there. How perfect, I thought. He was with Mike and another one of thier friends. They were buying beer. Hey are you by chance going back to Marshall tonight, I asked John. Yeah. Do mind if I hitch a ride. Sure, he said. So you doing anything with music, I asked him. You know, he said, not much. A little here and there. You? Eh, I said, I've been jamming around with Ben but nothing really. They bought their beer, I followed them out to their suv. So, you guys don't mind me hitching with you, I asked. No, not at all, they said. Are you supposed to be somewhere or anything? No. Not at all, I said. I can be anywhere. I just gave up my ride. I just had to take a walk and I came to the 7-11 cause I was going to call for a taxi. We went back to Mike's house. John asked if I wanted him to take me home then. I said, no, I don't have to be home until tomorrow afternoon for Thanksgiving dinner. So, whenever it's best for you. Okay, he said. I could just hang out with you guys. I felt like I was imposing but I didn't really care. Sure. I went in. They kept on offering me beer, I felt bad accepting it, still feeling that I was imposing. We started to play apples to apples. I started to get a little drunk. We were all laughing. We played for a couple of hours and chilled and got drunk. And then John decided it was time to go home. I followed him out to his car. It had stopped raining. We took the backroads and we talked about music and such along the ride. I snuck around back of the house and used the bathroom and went to the room where I was staying. My mom and Harmen came down. It was probably three or four in the morning. They were happy that I was back. My sister had apparently called them and told them that I had run away or something. We thought you had decided to go back to Richmond or something, Harmen said. It's a long walk to Richmond. They made my bed up for me. And gave me a dog and a cat to snuggle. I was a little drunk. I felt good. I fell right to sleep.
No, I thought as I was walking back to my bike. I don't want to start drinking coffee. It stains your teeth. It's okay. I won't start. I won't get addicted or anything. I don't get addicted to things. I'm not like my syblings. I don't depend on things like that. I guess that's what people do. As you get older, you come to depend on things even for things in place of the most natural processes. You have to have alcohol to put you to sleep at night and coffee to wake you up in the morning. I guess, you depend on lots of things as a kid. You depend on all the things that your parents provide you. And then when you get older, you just replace your dependencies with other more unnecessary dependencies. I suppose, the more dependent you were on your parents as a kid, the more dependent you are on other things as an adult. I found my bike in the fog. I put the chain back on the gears and rolled it alongside my feet as I walked back, sipping from a cup of coffee in the one hand. I thought about the fog. I wonder if there are bandits of revolutionaries that go about in fog like this? If not, there should be.