(no subject)
Today wasn't as good. I felt exhausted. There was more to get done that wasn't worth doing. Less Beauty. I was holding my sisters cat and it turned around and scratched me in the face. There was blood everywhere. I regretted having spent the next 45 minutes hunting the cat down so I could both hit and thoroughly humiliate it. I achieved my goal. It looked pitiful from my closet where it fell asleep watching me do my Statistics homework as fast as I could in the little time I had left. Going to class with my face all scratched up brought me down even more. I'm becoming more and more disconnected with my body, though. A part of me really like the scratches. I rode my bike to class like I didn't give a shit. For some reason that always seems to give you better balance. I didn't mind the bumps in the road or the traffic or the people or the lights so much. I didn't feel them. That moment approached beauty. But I felt angry, I felt guilty, I felt ugly. I didn't get anything done today and I was dead tired all the while. What did I do to make myself feel this way? I didn't party. I refused to party. Well, I got drunk and passed out early one night. But other than that, I was looking out for myself. Everything was so right these last few days and then today had to come. Today had to come and remind me that there is no peace- there is no rest- there is no solution- there's no point in your life where you'll ever be where you want to be and if there is- well, it's just that- it's a point- it passes. Music got back into my head- that demon. Apparently, when I woke up this morning, I was singing some very lovely melodies- rather, I was singing perfectly. Well, I guess it convinced me to become preoccupied about music- and that's what ruined my day. Because as soon as music went to my head, my voice became awful or at least worse than it usually is- and the melodies they left me. That ruined my day. Everything went to rot after that. I want to write something. I wish I could write something. I think about writing things a lot. I couldn't do anything right now, though, except maybe drink some apple juice and eat a bowl of apple sauce and go to bed. I don't have any apple juice or apple sauce, though. Should I walk to the grocery store? No. Should I call someone? I think I'll do that. My phone doesn't get cut off until Wednesday. Might as well call someone. I don't know what for, though. What could I say? I wish people would just talk about themselves when I called them. I wish people that I called had interesting things to say about themselves or stories to tell. Maybe I shouldn't call anyone. Maybe I should just go to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be better...I guess I'll call someone. Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be in Advanced Writing right now. Fuck it. I was already falling asleep enough in Stats. I'll call someone.