Permanent Illness...
The PTSD disables me from good, restful, comfortable sleep.
Often.
Because if how it's changed how my head works I carry a lot of weight on my shoulders... and very often lately I've sat on the edge of snapping again, breaking down and letting the weight take control. I can't do that. I know. It mostly stems from my parents negative attitude towards everything. Of course, no, I'm taking it wrong and just being over emotional. It's not like they could make a fucking single effort to change how they address problems to me when they KNOW I get effing defensive about it due to their current form of handling. No. No emotions outside theirs matter.
It's wrong. And it's unjust. I would call them out on it, but they hold the fact that I live in their house over my head like a worm on a hook and if I swallow it, they'll reel me in and cash me out for everything I'm worth. No. I won't let that happen either.
Of course, now Dad's going to read this and be all "Wtf. You're overdramatic. The hell is wrong with you?"
Like he'd ever understand.
So, the job search also continues. My dream interview fell through. They may have contacts for me this week, which is cool, but... *sigh*
My leg hurts.
And that's another thing. Dad now teases me about coming back to Belfer. Yeah, I know I may wind up there, and that's fine. I liked working the PEM machine. But do you have to make me feel like shit about it? Like all this work I did for a degree was stupid because I was just gona wind up going down the same Blue Collar Fail Lane as you?
So much anger... just pent up and unable to be let out. In any form. Because no one cares to deal with it properly. At least, in my family. I don't know how my order would deal with it... and I don't want to put that burden onto them. Not unless they fully prepare themselves for it and are willing to put in the work to help. It's a big burden. A big one. I'm not sure that they could manage all of it...
*sigh*
PTSD leave me so distant... So unconnected from everything sometimes. But I feel like if I can break it then I can get into the world and be me. Not what tihs... disorder makes me. And I've started to chisel at it... but so much more remains. And more gets piled on every day. And my own parents don't even notive. They were told all kinds of details about it by the doctors... and they turned a deaf ear to them and a blind eye to me.
I don't blame them for everything. *sighs again* They've done a lot for me, but the fact is is that they don't and can't see my appreciation for it. They refuse to, because I can't express myself around them without A) becoming vulnerable and B) having them tear me down while I am. So they'll never know it. Ever.
I'm just an ungrateful dick because I get upset over 'stupid shit'.
I also admit, my PTSD has fucked up a lot of other people's days. THere's not a day that goes by that I feel a little remorse about the arguements I had with Watkins. Most of them were stupid, really. I was just... afraid. And unconnected. Because of IT. And it almost lost him his independance.
If you're reading this dude, I'm still sorry. I always will be, really.
Still can't sleep. I was tired, but my mind just reels within the cage and... doesn't let me relax. Ever. Part of that is good, I'm usually always on top of my game, know everything that's going on and am able to coordinate people and resources to their maximum potential. In the business and film/brostcast world, this is excellent. In the personal world... it's the biggest obstacle ever sometimes. I just can't seem to break myself free of it either.
There's not much anymore that'll just calm me down. Tea, candles, scents, music, sounds of storms, car rides... And car rides, man. I always fell asleep. Always. Car rides were the best thing ever. Now? I can't help but stress about "Ohmygod am I not being social enough? Does this person mind that I'm not talking right now? What do I say?? I don't know!" If you're ever with me in the car and I'm the passenger, if you can somehow pay attention you'll see this. I really think it's blatant in my body language. I try not to make it so, I mean really, logically it's a dumb worry and I shouldn't be so worried, but...
*sigh*
I wish I could cry.
I really do.
But I can't.
I should try and sleep again. I've gotta get up and cash this check and do some stuff tomorrow. Including send out thank you noted for graduation presents that are way way overdue.
Sometimes I feel my honor is so tarnished by my... laze.
Do I even have any left?
...Does the damaged part of me care?
I know I do.
Does anyone else?
...I hope so.
...Help me.
Often.
Because if how it's changed how my head works I carry a lot of weight on my shoulders... and very often lately I've sat on the edge of snapping again, breaking down and letting the weight take control. I can't do that. I know. It mostly stems from my parents negative attitude towards everything. Of course, no, I'm taking it wrong and just being over emotional. It's not like they could make a fucking single effort to change how they address problems to me when they KNOW I get effing defensive about it due to their current form of handling. No. No emotions outside theirs matter.
It's wrong. And it's unjust. I would call them out on it, but they hold the fact that I live in their house over my head like a worm on a hook and if I swallow it, they'll reel me in and cash me out for everything I'm worth. No. I won't let that happen either.
Of course, now Dad's going to read this and be all "Wtf. You're overdramatic. The hell is wrong with you?"
Like he'd ever understand.
So, the job search also continues. My dream interview fell through. They may have contacts for me this week, which is cool, but... *sigh*
My leg hurts.
And that's another thing. Dad now teases me about coming back to Belfer. Yeah, I know I may wind up there, and that's fine. I liked working the PEM machine. But do you have to make me feel like shit about it? Like all this work I did for a degree was stupid because I was just gona wind up going down the same Blue Collar Fail Lane as you?
So much anger... just pent up and unable to be let out. In any form. Because no one cares to deal with it properly. At least, in my family. I don't know how my order would deal with it... and I don't want to put that burden onto them. Not unless they fully prepare themselves for it and are willing to put in the work to help. It's a big burden. A big one. I'm not sure that they could manage all of it...
*sigh*
PTSD leave me so distant... So unconnected from everything sometimes. But I feel like if I can break it then I can get into the world and be me. Not what tihs... disorder makes me. And I've started to chisel at it... but so much more remains. And more gets piled on every day. And my own parents don't even notive. They were told all kinds of details about it by the doctors... and they turned a deaf ear to them and a blind eye to me.
I don't blame them for everything. *sighs again* They've done a lot for me, but the fact is is that they don't and can't see my appreciation for it. They refuse to, because I can't express myself around them without A) becoming vulnerable and B) having them tear me down while I am. So they'll never know it. Ever.
I'm just an ungrateful dick because I get upset over 'stupid shit'.
I also admit, my PTSD has fucked up a lot of other people's days. THere's not a day that goes by that I feel a little remorse about the arguements I had with Watkins. Most of them were stupid, really. I was just... afraid. And unconnected. Because of IT. And it almost lost him his independance.
If you're reading this dude, I'm still sorry. I always will be, really.
Still can't sleep. I was tired, but my mind just reels within the cage and... doesn't let me relax. Ever. Part of that is good, I'm usually always on top of my game, know everything that's going on and am able to coordinate people and resources to their maximum potential. In the business and film/brostcast world, this is excellent. In the personal world... it's the biggest obstacle ever sometimes. I just can't seem to break myself free of it either.
There's not much anymore that'll just calm me down. Tea, candles, scents, music, sounds of storms, car rides... And car rides, man. I always fell asleep. Always. Car rides were the best thing ever. Now? I can't help but stress about "Ohmygod am I not being social enough? Does this person mind that I'm not talking right now? What do I say?? I don't know!" If you're ever with me in the car and I'm the passenger, if you can somehow pay attention you'll see this. I really think it's blatant in my body language. I try not to make it so, I mean really, logically it's a dumb worry and I shouldn't be so worried, but...
*sigh*
I wish I could cry.
I really do.
But I can't.
I should try and sleep again. I've gotta get up and cash this check and do some stuff tomorrow. Including send out thank you noted for graduation presents that are way way overdue.
Sometimes I feel my honor is so tarnished by my... laze.
Do I even have any left?
...Does the damaged part of me care?
I know I do.
Does anyone else?
...I hope so.
...Help me.