This is for me.
For years this online journal has been a venue for me to vaguely express outrages and disappointments or post memories and new enlightenments. When I first began writing here it used to be what Facebook applications have now become: pointless, adolescent, and a waste of time. Here and there I might have a handful of meaningful posts but I would never consider this to be a true reflection of my heart or mind. The livejournal has acted as a virtual friend for me to complain to or share excitement with, and now more than ever I realize that I need yet again the presence of a virtual friend. I've already become rather lonely being back in San Antonio while all of my friends now live in other states and cities. I'm surrounded by a life's worth of memories without anyone to share them with. Sure, I have my parents but I'm constantly coming to terms that the three of us are very different from each other, and my need for friendship extends beyond the obligation of blood-relations. I just finished a three month long road trip with an amazing partner-in-crime where we met new people every day and shared our stories for their stories. Not to mention I had a family of vagabonds that morphed from being complete strangers to some of the people who know me better than my closest friends. They are currently my closest friends. And now we're all seperated by hundreds of miles and lack of funds to visit each other. The transition from that life to the one I'm in now never existed. I was there and now I'm here without any ease into the new reality of what that means. I knew that I would feel restless being home after traveling for three months but I didn't quite imagine it to feel like this. Having done the vagabond lifestyle I kow feel like I won't be happy succumbing to a typical, ordinary, normal way of life. I guess I always imagined myself doing the odd, fantastic, atypical career in an exotic, wild environment and be completely okay with not making any money because where I would be guavas and avocados would be gold enough. Perhaps I've romanticized a life into something that could never be reality due to movies, books, daydreams, what have you. But maybe, by staying here in San Antonio, I'm actually losing that chance to find out if it could be true. I'm second-guessing basically everything at this point in time and I'm not comfortable with that because it might mean backtracking or waiting even more for non-results. I'm just confused. Because now I've planned out what I'm going to do and I'm not satisfied with it. Not that the plan isn't rewarding in the long run, but I wonder if I'm meant for something more right this very point in time. I've had no direction or guidance for awhile now and perhaps it is because I haven't been listening for it, or better yet, that I haven't even been praying for it. There are so many changes I want to make for myself and with myself that I imagine to be life-shifting but I'm either too lazy, too scared, or too doubtful to truly commit to any of those changes. I'm afraid I'm losing who I am, or who I want to be, or who I was made to be. So now this livejournal for the time being will become that venue where I let it all out. I honestly believe no one reads this anyways except for me, so now more than ever, I can be honest in my responses to things. This is for me. This is for my journey in finding me.