07-14-05
I never used to be this way. Dates never had this much significance. I knew when the worst day of my life was, but it ever bothered me this much. I guess the more I go through the less I let go. Therefore it becomes harder and harder to make it through the day.
No one really realizes how long a second is. But your whole world can change in a second. There's power there, and it gives a longevity to the moment that defies time itself. One second comes and goes but what happens in that second can stay with you forever.
"We need to take you away for a while." With one breath, one utterance, my life was destroyed. How can something be so fragile and still be called the greatest gift one can be given? And why the hell can't I give it back?
"Derek, Nicole ran away." Without a moment's thought of what would happen to me or Autumn, our older sister took off and didn't tell anyone where she was headed. She was my rock. Without her, I was weak. People who are weak don't become strong. They survive. It isn't strength, it's instinct. It's all I know.
"I want out, for real this time." She'd broken up with me before. But I somehow managed to get her to change her mind. No one knows her like I do. And I can say that even now. We're old enough where we don't change much in how we think. That was the only second of my life that never ended. It plays over and over in my mind. I'm in love with a ghost, an image of what she was to me. Because I'm nothing to her.
I've made a few good friends over this last year. And I apologize for not keeping in touch. It's my fault. It always is.
I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to hurt. I don't think there's a medicine that can take this pain away. And I want it to go away, even though it's the only thing I have left that's real. That's why I sleep so much. I can't stand my dreams when I wake up, but while I'm dreaming I'm in love again, and I'm happy.
I should have died that night. I wish I would have. I can't... I can't try again. I just want to die early, maybe in a war, maybe I'll get hit by a car. I don't know. I'd take cancer at this point, I really don't care.
"One round in the chamber, the sharp sound of my anger, this dark place is a danger, the Lord Christ in a manger, deliver to me a savior to take my pain away. A split second decision to quit fighting and give in, with three separate incisions, a red flowing submission, just take my pain away."
No one really realizes how long a second is. But your whole world can change in a second. There's power there, and it gives a longevity to the moment that defies time itself. One second comes and goes but what happens in that second can stay with you forever.
"We need to take you away for a while." With one breath, one utterance, my life was destroyed. How can something be so fragile and still be called the greatest gift one can be given? And why the hell can't I give it back?
"Derek, Nicole ran away." Without a moment's thought of what would happen to me or Autumn, our older sister took off and didn't tell anyone where she was headed. She was my rock. Without her, I was weak. People who are weak don't become strong. They survive. It isn't strength, it's instinct. It's all I know.
"I want out, for real this time." She'd broken up with me before. But I somehow managed to get her to change her mind. No one knows her like I do. And I can say that even now. We're old enough where we don't change much in how we think. That was the only second of my life that never ended. It plays over and over in my mind. I'm in love with a ghost, an image of what she was to me. Because I'm nothing to her.
I've made a few good friends over this last year. And I apologize for not keeping in touch. It's my fault. It always is.
I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to hurt. I don't think there's a medicine that can take this pain away. And I want it to go away, even though it's the only thing I have left that's real. That's why I sleep so much. I can't stand my dreams when I wake up, but while I'm dreaming I'm in love again, and I'm happy.
I should have died that night. I wish I would have. I can't... I can't try again. I just want to die early, maybe in a war, maybe I'll get hit by a car. I don't know. I'd take cancer at this point, I really don't care.
"One round in the chamber, the sharp sound of my anger, this dark place is a danger, the Lord Christ in a manger, deliver to me a savior to take my pain away. A split second decision to quit fighting and give in, with three separate incisions, a red flowing submission, just take my pain away."