The Most Beautiful Woman
the world is foreign to me tonight.
everything is plotting against me and for me. conspiring. perspiring. derailing all the nasty little thoughts in my head.
i can't be whole like this. i need more. but i don't know what that means. to me, or to anyone else.
don't take it the wrong way.
i'm exhausted.
I love Him. i love them all, though, in some way. i can't explain it, really. And, i feel really guilty about it. bodies can be celibate; heart's, perhaps, can not.
there are people in my life that i feel an equal connection to. and somehow, i felt that that was cheating, because my entire being wasn't focused on one Person. but it can't be. who would want that responsibility anyway? He's told me again and again...he thinks about other people. why can't i? it's not out of some yearning for revenge or anything heinous like that. it's just a simple fact of attraction, even if it isn't sexual.
i lend myself too easily to complexities. and complexes. and worthlessness.
sometimes, making me feel good about myself could be repayed at any price.
i'm all about the contradictions, tonight, am I not?
yes. i feel exceedingly guilt-ridden. over a variety of things. like not telling Rachel Lau that i couldn't make it to her party. and not being a better friend to Jenny. and allowing my parents to be such asses to me.
which brings up another point. i'm fucking moving out in december. anyway i can.
everything is plotting against me and for me. conspiring. perspiring. derailing all the nasty little thoughts in my head.
i can't be whole like this. i need more. but i don't know what that means. to me, or to anyone else.
don't take it the wrong way.
i'm exhausted.
I love Him. i love them all, though, in some way. i can't explain it, really. And, i feel really guilty about it. bodies can be celibate; heart's, perhaps, can not.
there are people in my life that i feel an equal connection to. and somehow, i felt that that was cheating, because my entire being wasn't focused on one Person. but it can't be. who would want that responsibility anyway? He's told me again and again...he thinks about other people. why can't i? it's not out of some yearning for revenge or anything heinous like that. it's just a simple fact of attraction, even if it isn't sexual.
i lend myself too easily to complexities. and complexes. and worthlessness.
sometimes, making me feel good about myself could be repayed at any price.
i'm all about the contradictions, tonight, am I not?
yes. i feel exceedingly guilt-ridden. over a variety of things. like not telling Rachel Lau that i couldn't make it to her party. and not being a better friend to Jenny. and allowing my parents to be such asses to me.
which brings up another point. i'm fucking moving out in december. anyway i can.