(no subject)
I had this euphoric feeling about myself two days ago when I realize that my grades are good enough for the pharmacy program here at UB. But then I ran into this young man in chemistry lab who recieved a perfect 100 on the previous chem. test and has a GPA of 3.9, not to mention the A he got in last semester's chemistry class. I asked him what he though about my chances of getting in and he gave me this 'ahhhhhhh...dunno' sort of feeling. "4,000 kids apply for the pharmacy program every year." and "The boards a bunch of assholes."
After that I just felt so defeated. Theres a limited amount of space and what can I do if all those spaces are filled up with people like him? Trying to find comforting words of reassurance in your competition is a horrible idea. I shouldn't listen to the asshole.
I spend the rest of the day in such a daze because to be honest I put the worth of my life on this. I measure the success of my life by the amount of money I could possible make when I graduate. And that's wrong. I know what I should do. I should do what makes me happy. Not what makes my mother happy. But it breaks my heart to know that she puts the value of her life on the success of her children, which is to say - me. I have the greatest chance for success because I'm the smartest... my younger brother has an easy ride because no one expects him to be a doctor.
In addition, I plan to take care of my little brother and mother in a few years time. I plan to be the one who pays Van's way through college and takes care of my mother's expenses. I know I can do it no matter what, but how much easier would it be if I had a very well paying job? Exponentially easier.
Not to mention I want to make my husband happy. No matter what he does I would like us to have a surplus of money every month for us to enjoy. For our family to never worry about money.. let this never be an issue. I still plan to marry Sean by the way. He's quite kind to me and after all this time he still makes me so happy just to see him or hear his voice.
April of our junior year in high school was the month we began going out. We've broken up and gotten back together and at this point I can't keep track of the days.. but April brings a fondness to my heart that I associate with our love. April showers, rain, diamond, crystal clear pure and precious love. Is what I feel for this month.
My mother and I got into a rather upsetting conversation about my insecurites for the future. I said that its difficult to have the pressure of her world on my shoulders.. because think about it, what doesn't she expect me to uphold when I'm grown? I'm carrying her, my younger brother, her pride, her happiness.. her entire world on my shoulders.. The only thing not considered there is my own happiness.
She apologized this morning in a rather uncharacteristic display. Firstly, because mothers don't apologize. Secondly, because she came to me to apologize. I feel as if she had been giving it much thought and felt guilty that I was so unhappy. I believe that no matter how hard she's worked in her life, and how she would love to see my succeed in a well paying job, as long as I'm truly happy and well taken care of she would be content.
It's my life.
My younger brother and Sean are quite supportive of the idea of me being happy. In response to my dilemmia Sean says, "Nooooo... I want you to do what makes you happy." And my little brother listen supportively as I poured my woes out on his young little heart. He hugs me and tells me it's all going to be okay. Like they always tell the young ones.
That everything always works out how it's suppose to be.
After that I just felt so defeated. Theres a limited amount of space and what can I do if all those spaces are filled up with people like him? Trying to find comforting words of reassurance in your competition is a horrible idea. I shouldn't listen to the asshole.
I spend the rest of the day in such a daze because to be honest I put the worth of my life on this. I measure the success of my life by the amount of money I could possible make when I graduate. And that's wrong. I know what I should do. I should do what makes me happy. Not what makes my mother happy. But it breaks my heart to know that she puts the value of her life on the success of her children, which is to say - me. I have the greatest chance for success because I'm the smartest... my younger brother has an easy ride because no one expects him to be a doctor.
In addition, I plan to take care of my little brother and mother in a few years time. I plan to be the one who pays Van's way through college and takes care of my mother's expenses. I know I can do it no matter what, but how much easier would it be if I had a very well paying job? Exponentially easier.
Not to mention I want to make my husband happy. No matter what he does I would like us to have a surplus of money every month for us to enjoy. For our family to never worry about money.. let this never be an issue. I still plan to marry Sean by the way. He's quite kind to me and after all this time he still makes me so happy just to see him or hear his voice.
April of our junior year in high school was the month we began going out. We've broken up and gotten back together and at this point I can't keep track of the days.. but April brings a fondness to my heart that I associate with our love. April showers, rain, diamond, crystal clear pure and precious love. Is what I feel for this month.
My mother and I got into a rather upsetting conversation about my insecurites for the future. I said that its difficult to have the pressure of her world on my shoulders.. because think about it, what doesn't she expect me to uphold when I'm grown? I'm carrying her, my younger brother, her pride, her happiness.. her entire world on my shoulders.. The only thing not considered there is my own happiness.
She apologized this morning in a rather uncharacteristic display. Firstly, because mothers don't apologize. Secondly, because she came to me to apologize. I feel as if she had been giving it much thought and felt guilty that I was so unhappy. I believe that no matter how hard she's worked in her life, and how she would love to see my succeed in a well paying job, as long as I'm truly happy and well taken care of she would be content.
It's my life.
My younger brother and Sean are quite supportive of the idea of me being happy. In response to my dilemmia Sean says, "Nooooo... I want you to do what makes you happy." And my little brother listen supportively as I poured my woes out on his young little heart. He hugs me and tells me it's all going to be okay. Like they always tell the young ones.
That everything always works out how it's suppose to be.