unmotivated..
well.. i've got all my results back except for GP essay.. so here's the breakdown:
Maths P1: 44 (so in total, i get 50% on the dot. a D!)
GP Compre: 29.5 haiiix
sigh it's day 35 on the countdown to 'A's.. and i must say my studying is going really really badly. i think everyone else has started.. last night when i was talkin to weiren, he was studying econs. and changx has alr gone through most of her returned prelim papers. sigh. wendy was studying at oasis yesterday after school. *shakes head* and what have i been doin?
-going crazy over women outta my reach
-spending my nettime visiting their sites n other ppl's sites
-watering my airplants (well actually this is not a bad thing. i did promise myself that i wld water them more regularly. but the prob is i do it at e wrong time)
-chatting
-wanting to plan but nv finishing my plan
-SLEEPING omg i slept the whole dayyyy away today!
-other random crap stuff like listening to cds on my com, readin net articles.. maybe even blogging? haha
sigh. =( i was telling myself lastnight that ok rachel shall be a NEW person 2ml (as in today la)! so my alarm rang at 8.. i woke up and smashed it, set it to 9.. so it rang at 9.. i think my maid offed it.. so i drifted in and out of sleep all the way to 12 plus. sigh =((((( bleh so i got up.. wanted to go wash up but my sis beat me to the bathroom.. i ended up watering my airplants while waitin for her to finish. so washed up.. went down for lunch near 1 pm. ate lunch n watched this animal planet documentary (really interesting btw. i used to be hooked to such shows) till 2.. came upstairs n man, the room was so hot and it was bathed in this soft sleep-inducing yellow glow from the afternoon sunshine. and b4 i knew it, i had nodded off at 2.30. so napped napped napped all the way past 5. i had meant to nap onli half an hour, im serious! =( sigh. so woke up ard 5.15.. changed direction on my bed and lay there scolding myself mentally.. but it didnt work.. it just made myself feel worse. maybe i shld change tactics. ill try to encourage myself instead of scolding myself..
sigh but it's alr week 5 la.. week 6 has come n gone.. and now week 5 is almost over. =( and i havnt done anyth. sigh. and i lack that fighting spirit.. i dno where it went. even readin my past blog entries din help. maybe i shldnt haf done so well (relatively) for prelim.. makes me think i can accomplish a lot in a short time. gahhh. but i know that 5 weeks is v short indeed. i dont want my 'A's to be like my 'O's.. crammin e night b4.. sigh.. how how how.. it's very weird u noe. it's like BEFORE the study period starts, i'll be all powered up and raring to go. then DURING the study period i'll be like.. sian diao.. no mood to study.. den RIGHT BEFORE IT ENDS i'll panic! and i'l be like omg how cld i have wasted those past few weeks! arghh $*()$@*! think ive seen this recurring pattern through the years.. haha.. weird right. amazing that ive survived till now. so amazing that i'm not in some ITE right now, considering how slack ive been.. sigh..
what is this that they term inner potential? my dad tells me ive got a lot of it, even more than my bro.. but how much do i have? and do i unleash it? haha suddenly reminds me of Ichigo in Bleach.. now this convo i had with changx comes to mind.. on the day i got back my chem prelim results and everyone started calling me chem god/goddess/genius etc. i was telling changx that i am NOT a chem goddess! the only thing i'm good at is organic chem.. i still haf prob in my phy chem and inorganic chem.. so she was lik, so once you master those topics that ure not good at, ull be invincible lah? haha den i agreed. funny thought. i remember once wanting to master all my subj to impress Gummy.. haha funny, that inspiration din last more than a night. den even earlier than that.. i wanted to become so good, work so hard becuz i was feeling jealous of my ex-cca mate who's now in RJ.. yeah long story, but i hated her so badly back then. she's v studious n hardworkin n all that. as one story goes, back in ny she was alr doing a-level physics tys or smth. crazy huh? den i also wanted to compete with someone in my present class.. cuz i cldnt stand her.. den wanting to work hard cuz my parents were driving me insane and i juz wanted em to shut up.. haha.. all those motivations stemmed from other ppl. they din last cuz my feelings fluctuated. how abt motivation that comes from within? well.. there were times when i'd get so frustrated with myself and vow to work even harder, discipline myself etc.. den there were times when i'd do well and wanna do even better next time.. but dno why usually doesnt work out. one case in point: getting B for my math ct2 and wanting to get an A next time, but not workin to do even better, ending up crashing to barely a D for this prelims. or even reading those motivational self-improvement books that makes the future seem hopeful.. yeah all these past sources of motivation.. seems lik the only things that still reside in me now are fear, disappointment, self-loathing, despair.. what's holding me back? what's stopping me from going all out? sigh. where will i get my motivation from? =(
i was feeling kinda pressurized frm ppl thinking that i'm so great now or smth.. when actually im not.. and it's funny how my standards have risen.. i still remember my 1st CT in j1 being horrible.. OOOF.. haha.. and we all thought D and above was so good at the time, even unreachable. but look at me now: i got BCD for my prelims and to me it's not good enough. funny right. it's funny that i want more even tho i din work hard enuf for it. it's funny how ure desires can far exceed what ure willing to give. it's funny how as things get better, you want more and more.
ok you know what? i think i feel more motivated now. shall go review my prelim papers. =) till next time..
Maths P1: 44 (so in total, i get 50% on the dot. a D!)
GP Compre: 29.5 haiiix
sigh it's day 35 on the countdown to 'A's.. and i must say my studying is going really really badly. i think everyone else has started.. last night when i was talkin to weiren, he was studying econs. and changx has alr gone through most of her returned prelim papers. sigh. wendy was studying at oasis yesterday after school. *shakes head* and what have i been doin?
-going crazy over women outta my reach
-spending my nettime visiting their sites n other ppl's sites
-watering my airplants (well actually this is not a bad thing. i did promise myself that i wld water them more regularly. but the prob is i do it at e wrong time)
-chatting
-wanting to plan but nv finishing my plan
-SLEEPING omg i slept the whole dayyyy away today!
-other random crap stuff like listening to cds on my com, readin net articles.. maybe even blogging? haha
sigh. =( i was telling myself lastnight that ok rachel shall be a NEW person 2ml (as in today la)! so my alarm rang at 8.. i woke up and smashed it, set it to 9.. so it rang at 9.. i think my maid offed it.. so i drifted in and out of sleep all the way to 12 plus. sigh =((((( bleh so i got up.. wanted to go wash up but my sis beat me to the bathroom.. i ended up watering my airplants while waitin for her to finish. so washed up.. went down for lunch near 1 pm. ate lunch n watched this animal planet documentary (really interesting btw. i used to be hooked to such shows) till 2.. came upstairs n man, the room was so hot and it was bathed in this soft sleep-inducing yellow glow from the afternoon sunshine. and b4 i knew it, i had nodded off at 2.30. so napped napped napped all the way past 5. i had meant to nap onli half an hour, im serious! =( sigh. so woke up ard 5.15.. changed direction on my bed and lay there scolding myself mentally.. but it didnt work.. it just made myself feel worse. maybe i shld change tactics. ill try to encourage myself instead of scolding myself..
sigh but it's alr week 5 la.. week 6 has come n gone.. and now week 5 is almost over. =( and i havnt done anyth. sigh. and i lack that fighting spirit.. i dno where it went. even readin my past blog entries din help. maybe i shldnt haf done so well (relatively) for prelim.. makes me think i can accomplish a lot in a short time. gahhh. but i know that 5 weeks is v short indeed. i dont want my 'A's to be like my 'O's.. crammin e night b4.. sigh.. how how how.. it's very weird u noe. it's like BEFORE the study period starts, i'll be all powered up and raring to go. then DURING the study period i'll be like.. sian diao.. no mood to study.. den RIGHT BEFORE IT ENDS i'll panic! and i'l be like omg how cld i have wasted those past few weeks! arghh $*()$@*! think ive seen this recurring pattern through the years.. haha.. weird right. amazing that ive survived till now. so amazing that i'm not in some ITE right now, considering how slack ive been.. sigh..
what is this that they term inner potential? my dad tells me ive got a lot of it, even more than my bro.. but how much do i have? and do i unleash it? haha suddenly reminds me of Ichigo in Bleach.. now this convo i had with changx comes to mind.. on the day i got back my chem prelim results and everyone started calling me chem god/goddess/genius etc. i was telling changx that i am NOT a chem goddess! the only thing i'm good at is organic chem.. i still haf prob in my phy chem and inorganic chem.. so she was lik, so once you master those topics that ure not good at, ull be invincible lah? haha den i agreed. funny thought. i remember once wanting to master all my subj to impress Gummy.. haha funny, that inspiration din last more than a night. den even earlier than that.. i wanted to become so good, work so hard becuz i was feeling jealous of my ex-cca mate who's now in RJ.. yeah long story, but i hated her so badly back then. she's v studious n hardworkin n all that. as one story goes, back in ny she was alr doing a-level physics tys or smth. crazy huh? den i also wanted to compete with someone in my present class.. cuz i cldnt stand her.. den wanting to work hard cuz my parents were driving me insane and i juz wanted em to shut up.. haha.. all those motivations stemmed from other ppl. they din last cuz my feelings fluctuated. how abt motivation that comes from within? well.. there were times when i'd get so frustrated with myself and vow to work even harder, discipline myself etc.. den there were times when i'd do well and wanna do even better next time.. but dno why usually doesnt work out. one case in point: getting B for my math ct2 and wanting to get an A next time, but not workin to do even better, ending up crashing to barely a D for this prelims. or even reading those motivational self-improvement books that makes the future seem hopeful.. yeah all these past sources of motivation.. seems lik the only things that still reside in me now are fear, disappointment, self-loathing, despair.. what's holding me back? what's stopping me from going all out? sigh. where will i get my motivation from? =(
i was feeling kinda pressurized frm ppl thinking that i'm so great now or smth.. when actually im not.. and it's funny how my standards have risen.. i still remember my 1st CT in j1 being horrible.. OOOF.. haha.. and we all thought D and above was so good at the time, even unreachable. but look at me now: i got BCD for my prelims and to me it's not good enough. funny right. it's funny that i want more even tho i din work hard enuf for it. it's funny how ure desires can far exceed what ure willing to give. it's funny how as things get better, you want more and more.
ok you know what? i think i feel more motivated now. shall go review my prelim papers. =) till next time..