inner dilemmas
hmm.. i hope that while i'm typing this, my com doesn't suddenly screw up on me -.-" there's smth REALLY wrong with it.. it juz hangs.. or the screen dies and i have to restart.. apparently there's some prob with the graphic card. but the harddisk is screwin up too, doesnt take to the updates my bro installed on my com well, so he'll haf to do a reformat.... haiix
hmm 2ml is the last paper of the prelims.. bio p1. i don't feel v stressed for it, so i cld study even in front of the telly. haha. all i haf to do is basically revise everything once-through.. refresh my memory.. yeah. hmm. the prelims are coming to an end.. so fast.. can't imagine when we'll come to the last week of the 'A's.. coincidentally (or maybe not), my last paper for the 'A's will be bio p1 too.. wonder if i'll be feelin as stress-free? nahh think i'll prob be even more stressed.. haha cuz for p1 u realli haf to score. if u wanna get a good grade overall, you definitely have to get an A for p1, no other option. but most of all i think i'll be in a state of disbelief.. haha mark my words. i'll be like.. omg i can't believe 'A's are ending! it's gonna be so surreal. but well, it'll be another 5 weeks before the 'A's descend upon us.. and it'll be 4 weeks before 'A's end.. wow that makes a total of 9 weeks to FREEDOM. hmm. worth fighting for? haha. worth dying for? nono.
hmm i had maths p2 on monday.. and blehh i didn't prepare for it v well.. screwed la. i tot i had e entire weekend to practise math (well, technically i did) but i onli found myself cramming on sunday again. =(( why? why? WHYWHYWHYWHY!!!!!! arghhhh!! it's like S.T.A.T.S laaaaa arghhh the part where you can scoreeeeee.. gawd. i really screwed up big time for this math prelim.. *shakes head* the pure maths qns weren't too bad.. even tho i spent lik superrr long on vectors? in the end i got the ans but it took like.. man.. way too long. cuz i had to go back and search for that one careless mistake.. garghh.. i sacrificed my stats!! didn't even manage to do the Either/Or qn for stats! so embarrassing can.. "erm i didn't do that qn so do i still have to circle it? yeah i didn't have time so i didn't attempt it" <- ultimate loserrrrr. blehh. this sucks. and it's like the whole gang of my classmates were discussing that qn and i din even noe what they were talking about.. talk abt feelin left out manz. /_\ "which qn did you do?" "i did neither Either nor Or. i did NONE" lols. *bangs against e wall* awful. totally awful.
sighh.. ok so i totally messed up maths for this prelim. i think i wont fail chem, which is.. good? and next for bio.. think i'll be ok i guess.. sigh. this time's performance is totally not up to standard. mm hmm and i had 3 days to prepare for bio.. and guess what lol, i left pretty much everythin to the last day. gawd someone knock some sense into me right now. it's not that i didn't try to study on the days before that.. it's juz that somehow it went really sloooowwlyyy.. and i ended up doin other things.. feel so guilty now =( this better not be the case for 'A's. i shall make a good plan so i wont waste time lik this anymore. it seems lik 5 weeks is a looong time but you know, i know, we ALL know that it's NOT. it'll be over in a flash. i dont want e same thing to be happening again.. lik i leave everythin to the last week or smth.. everyone wants to get good grades n everyone has noble goals for this comin 'A' levels.. but i guess my ambition runs deeper than juz grades. it's a test of what i'm made of. it's gonna be a turning point in my life. it's really a battle against myself. i want to emerge out of this without regrets, unlike what i've been doin all my life. never workin hard enuf, never giving my all. yeah. the onli time i realli pushed myself is in OBM Lumut i think.. when we had to trek up the mountain and i tot i wld die but i juz pushed on and on.. cuz you realli can't get lost in the wilderness right. u'll juz die la. so there wasn't any choice but to keep going.. even tho i tot my legs wld shrivel up and drop off. so i'm proud of that. i overcame the desire to quit, and i made it. i want to do the same thing now. i dont want to go soft on myself. really. i think, no matter what grades i get in the end.. all i want to be able to say is that.. truly, i put in my all, i did my best.. and i have no regrets.
i went to see ms koh (in nygh) on monday.. and she expressed her utmost faith in me. haha. i've been seeing her since.. i dno, sec 3? or sec 2? she's known me for years. she's like a teacher-counsellor.. she has e faith in me that i don't even have for myself. it feels good to have someone believing in you like that. she said there's no doubt that i will rise to the occasion.. and that i've matured. haha. =)) yay! now to prove her right and not let her down. =DD i guess e greatest battle in life is overcoming your own limitations huh. it never felt as epic as it does now.
LG's earning brownie points by the day. last night he drove to my place specially to place a cd into my letter box.. even tho he was ill. i was so touched haha.. it's his fav cd and he wants it to accompany me while i study since he can't be there personally for me. sweet right? =))) i was grinning till my face was lik gonna crack.. it's e first time anyone has done anyth lik this for me.. i've done it b4.. for my ex.. but it's like.. i've nv had anyone do smth lik this for me. i just love sweet surprises. haha. i was actually flirting with him last night! i gave him the 1st online smooch on msn. yeah. sooo.. i guess he scored big huh. at that point in time i tot, hey i might actually accept if he asks me to be his gf. hum. but he started to be freaky again. he started talkin abt getting approval frm my dad.. -.-" gawd.
well aniwae.. there's some feelings brewin that are juz troubling me. it's lik i'm startin to want to get sms-es frm him.. im startin to look for him to be online when i go online.. it's all wrong =(( it's onli been how mani months since april? since my break-up? =(( i shldnt be feeling this way. it's so weird. but it's lik.. i dun think he's e right guy for me, yet somehow i can imagine us bein together.. maybe all i want is to feel loved and be held in someone's arms again? maybe it's not feelins for HIM.. maybe it's juz rebound-type of feelings. mixed-up feelings. i dont want him to get hurt. i know im not ready.. we're not even that close la.. and he's lik so serious.. scary. i even like josh and kevin better than him. *shakes head* it's all going waaayy too fast. and it's like, i feel if i get attached now, i'll be lettin X down. shld that even be a concern? maybe in e practical realistic POV, it shldnt, since things are all over. but i remember when my previous ex went chasin after a girl soon after he broke up with me.. i felt lik he was a complete asshole. it's like, trivialising our history together.. lik it didnt mean that much to him so he cld get over it v fast. i'm quite particular on this.. in the end i'm just not ready huh?
hmm 2ml is the last paper of the prelims.. bio p1. i don't feel v stressed for it, so i cld study even in front of the telly. haha. all i haf to do is basically revise everything once-through.. refresh my memory.. yeah. hmm. the prelims are coming to an end.. so fast.. can't imagine when we'll come to the last week of the 'A's.. coincidentally (or maybe not), my last paper for the 'A's will be bio p1 too.. wonder if i'll be feelin as stress-free? nahh think i'll prob be even more stressed.. haha cuz for p1 u realli haf to score. if u wanna get a good grade overall, you definitely have to get an A for p1, no other option. but most of all i think i'll be in a state of disbelief.. haha mark my words. i'll be like.. omg i can't believe 'A's are ending! it's gonna be so surreal. but well, it'll be another 5 weeks before the 'A's descend upon us.. and it'll be 4 weeks before 'A's end.. wow that makes a total of 9 weeks to FREEDOM. hmm. worth fighting for? haha. worth dying for? nono.
hmm i had maths p2 on monday.. and blehh i didn't prepare for it v well.. screwed la. i tot i had e entire weekend to practise math (well, technically i did) but i onli found myself cramming on sunday again. =(( why? why? WHYWHYWHYWHY!!!!!! arghhhh!! it's like S.T.A.T.S laaaaa arghhh the part where you can scoreeeeee.. gawd. i really screwed up big time for this math prelim.. *shakes head* the pure maths qns weren't too bad.. even tho i spent lik superrr long on vectors? in the end i got the ans but it took like.. man.. way too long. cuz i had to go back and search for that one careless mistake.. garghh.. i sacrificed my stats!! didn't even manage to do the Either/Or qn for stats! so embarrassing can.. "erm i didn't do that qn so do i still have to circle it? yeah i didn't have time so i didn't attempt it" <- ultimate loserrrrr. blehh. this sucks. and it's like the whole gang of my classmates were discussing that qn and i din even noe what they were talking about.. talk abt feelin left out manz. /_\ "which qn did you do?" "i did neither Either nor Or. i did NONE" lols. *bangs against e wall* awful. totally awful.
sighh.. ok so i totally messed up maths for this prelim. i think i wont fail chem, which is.. good? and next for bio.. think i'll be ok i guess.. sigh. this time's performance is totally not up to standard. mm hmm and i had 3 days to prepare for bio.. and guess what lol, i left pretty much everythin to the last day. gawd someone knock some sense into me right now. it's not that i didn't try to study on the days before that.. it's juz that somehow it went really sloooowwlyyy.. and i ended up doin other things.. feel so guilty now =( this better not be the case for 'A's. i shall make a good plan so i wont waste time lik this anymore. it seems lik 5 weeks is a looong time but you know, i know, we ALL know that it's NOT. it'll be over in a flash. i dont want e same thing to be happening again.. lik i leave everythin to the last week or smth.. everyone wants to get good grades n everyone has noble goals for this comin 'A' levels.. but i guess my ambition runs deeper than juz grades. it's a test of what i'm made of. it's gonna be a turning point in my life. it's really a battle against myself. i want to emerge out of this without regrets, unlike what i've been doin all my life. never workin hard enuf, never giving my all. yeah. the onli time i realli pushed myself is in OBM Lumut i think.. when we had to trek up the mountain and i tot i wld die but i juz pushed on and on.. cuz you realli can't get lost in the wilderness right. u'll juz die la. so there wasn't any choice but to keep going.. even tho i tot my legs wld shrivel up and drop off. so i'm proud of that. i overcame the desire to quit, and i made it. i want to do the same thing now. i dont want to go soft on myself. really. i think, no matter what grades i get in the end.. all i want to be able to say is that.. truly, i put in my all, i did my best.. and i have no regrets.
i went to see ms koh (in nygh) on monday.. and she expressed her utmost faith in me. haha. i've been seeing her since.. i dno, sec 3? or sec 2? she's known me for years. she's like a teacher-counsellor.. she has e faith in me that i don't even have for myself. it feels good to have someone believing in you like that. she said there's no doubt that i will rise to the occasion.. and that i've matured. haha. =)) yay! now to prove her right and not let her down. =DD i guess e greatest battle in life is overcoming your own limitations huh. it never felt as epic as it does now.
LG's earning brownie points by the day. last night he drove to my place specially to place a cd into my letter box.. even tho he was ill. i was so touched haha.. it's his fav cd and he wants it to accompany me while i study since he can't be there personally for me. sweet right? =))) i was grinning till my face was lik gonna crack.. it's e first time anyone has done anyth lik this for me.. i've done it b4.. for my ex.. but it's like.. i've nv had anyone do smth lik this for me. i just love sweet surprises. haha. i was actually flirting with him last night! i gave him the 1st online smooch on msn. yeah. sooo.. i guess he scored big huh. at that point in time i tot, hey i might actually accept if he asks me to be his gf. hum. but he started to be freaky again. he started talkin abt getting approval frm my dad.. -.-" gawd.
well aniwae.. there's some feelings brewin that are juz troubling me. it's lik i'm startin to want to get sms-es frm him.. im startin to look for him to be online when i go online.. it's all wrong =(( it's onli been how mani months since april? since my break-up? =(( i shldnt be feeling this way. it's so weird. but it's lik.. i dun think he's e right guy for me, yet somehow i can imagine us bein together.. maybe all i want is to feel loved and be held in someone's arms again? maybe it's not feelins for HIM.. maybe it's juz rebound-type of feelings. mixed-up feelings. i dont want him to get hurt. i know im not ready.. we're not even that close la.. and he's lik so serious.. scary. i even like josh and kevin better than him. *shakes head* it's all going waaayy too fast. and it's like, i feel if i get attached now, i'll be lettin X down. shld that even be a concern? maybe in e practical realistic POV, it shldnt, since things are all over. but i remember when my previous ex went chasin after a girl soon after he broke up with me.. i felt lik he was a complete asshole. it's like, trivialising our history together.. lik it didnt mean that much to him so he cld get over it v fast. i'm quite particular on this.. in the end i'm just not ready huh?