but i didn't care where i was going [closed]

[cosuffering]

Characters: Colette & Shishito
Location: clinic
Rating: PG probably
Time: November 2, afternoon-ish?
Description: Partners reunite after the berserker mess

Comments

[oblivious_klutz]

Colette was nervous. Understandable, considering the last time she had seen her partner, with him running away and seeing him and Lloyd attacking people. But she knew that something was wrong. Neither would do that if they hadn't been affected with the Witches and all. She knew that. Trusted them both implicitly. Shishito had always seemed so mild, but the one time she had seen him somewhat angered and protective was with You, about her safety. She didn't deny that despite appearances, he was not one to be crossed over in combat.

Either way, she couldn't not visit, right? Even after everything, they were partners. So she made her way to the clinic and asked which room he was in, nodding her thanks and walking to the door. Pausing outside to gather herself for a second before knocking and opening it slightly, poking her head inside. "Shishito?"

[cosuffering]

Back then, Shishito had to make sure that none of the secrets of Ward G that he didn't want Colette to know leaked out. Besides, Shishito hated most, if not all of the prisoners in Deadman Wonderland. They were all garbage.

But this was different. This was all different than that. And Shishito felt lonely sitting alone in the bed, barely moving, without the lion talisman he always clung to so protectively. When he heard Colette's voice speak his name, he tensed up, nearly panicked, and rolled over quite painfully so his back was facing the door. "P-please don't look...at me..."

[oblivious_klutz]

Her mouth pursed slightly, worried and perhaps a little upset at his initial reaction. But she figured he probably just felt bad about what had happened. Colette gave a small sigh, stepping inside and shutting the door behind her. "Shishito, it's okay. I'm....I'm not mad. I just came to see if you were okay. That's all. You're my partner, so....so if there is anything I can do for you, then...I want you to let me know, okay? I bought over a change of clothes for you." she said as she crossed the room to set them on the dresser next to his bed, sitting herself down at the foot of his bed.

[cosuffering]

Shishito sniffed as if crying, and he probably was. Not only because he was terribly sad but his sudden movements had hurt. He stayed on one side for the moment, though. No pain was too bad that he couldn't hide himself. She said she wasn't mad but he couldn't believe it. "I killed and hurt.. a lot of people....again." Even some people that he knew, which brought him to his next hesitant question. "D..did I hurt you, too? I-I can't remember."

[oblivious_klutz]

She shook her head slightly, empathetic as ever. "That...that wasn't your fault. It was the Witches and all, you...you weren't yourself, were you?" Colette asked, empathetic given she had been told she was in a similar state after she had given up her soul. Unable to speak or really react to anything, on the defensive, ready to strike at the slightest provocation from any opponents until Lloyd had figured out how to make a Key Crest into her pendant.

"You didn't hurt me. And neither did Lloyd. The worst I have is when one of the vectors grazed my ankle. I'm fine, really!" ever reassuring, she gave a smile in his direction, wanting to cheer her partner up, at least a little. Because, physically, she was fine. Psychologically was another story, but she had been through enough back home, and this too, she would recover from in time. She knew neither of her friends had meant to attack her, had likely run away to avoid that very possibility.

[cosuffering]

There was no answer to the first part. Shishito probably couldn't tell the difference anymore between what was him and what was merely whatever was controlling him at the time. Slowly, he rolled back onto his back, giving a small choked sob at the pain as his eyes sought out the ceiling.

However, just because he had turned back did not mean that he was okay. When she mentioned Lloyd he felt cold inside. Bitter and angry. Above all, he felt so envious he thought for a moment he couldn't even breathe. For Colette it was always Lloyd. Shishito wasn't first for anybody. It only hurt when he was reminded about it.

He didn't care what Lloyd did or didn't do. But when he thought about saying it, the fear of being punished for it held it back again. "I'm sorry.... I'm sorry...."

[oblivious_klutz]

"No...I--I'm sorry! I couldn't really....do anything to help, to stop it. I kept trying to follow but that probably only made you worse. I'm sorry, Shishito....." Colette's apologies, as often as they were, were never any less sincere each time. And this time, she really did mean it. She felt horrible that she couldn't help either Shishito or Lloyd at the time. That she had had to simply hide and wait it out like that. That she had seen them like that at all. She had seen how much both of them had seemed to be fighting it, holding back the desire to attack her. Why they had obviously both ran off and lost her, purposely

[cosuffering]

Of course he understood feeling close to people you had known for most of your life. All of those people for Shishito were dead now. It only made it more miserable to think about.

Each time Colette apologized, Shishito flinched like someone was hitting him with something. No one ever apologized to Shishito. That wasn't how it worked. He was the pitiful, useless one who could do nothing but say he was sorry over and over. It was confusing him, hurting his weary mind.

Finally, he clenched the bars at the side of his bed on either side and released a breath. "Stop!! Stop it!!" He cried, unclenching the bar to put his hands up over a battered face. It was too kind. Too kind, too compassionate. Just like Ganta, Colette was everything Shishito hoped for but could never ever be.

She was too good for this world. And far too good for him. He could feel tears trying to slip past his hands. "Just stop it....you didn't even do anything wrong! Don't be so selfless like that!!"

[oblivious_klutz]

As he snapped at her, she turned her gaze to him, confused for a second as her eyes welled with unshed tears. "But I....I'm your partner, Shishito. Your Meister. I should have been able to do something to help calm you down, but I couldn't....." she shook her head again, a tear falling to her hand in her lap.

"I should have figured....something like that....if you were at the prison, fighting so much....that it might happen, with the Madness and Witches." she continued softly, not blaming him. That would certainly be hypocritical, even Colette had taken lives before, along the Journey. The Desians in particular, as they strived to hasten the effects of the Cruxis Crystal and torment the Chosen by attacking her and her companions, to speed up the Transformation.

She shifted, leaning forward to him and reached to pull him closer into a hug. "But it's okay. Even if I'm selfless....I'm still here. And I don't hate or blame you for any of it, Shishito."

[cosuffering]

There were a lot of things that Colette should have probably figured, knowing that Shishito was in prison. His fingers curled in a bit as they remained over his face. When she tried to hug him he gave another sharp sob of pain and shook his head. "That hurts...." That's not how he wanted to remember a hug being.

But even more than that, he was not yet satisfied with her answer. Of course when it came down to it, as his meister, he thought that Colette had pretty much free reign to do whatever she liked with him - he did not yet grasp the concept of "partnership". But still a part of him was upset that she didn't feel anything about it.

"You're being too kind. I could kill you .... o-or someone you love." He didn't even bother using the past tense. He didn't know what he would do in the future. "If you're too good... I'll get the wrong idea, I guess..." The difference between him taking a life and Colette doing so was that Shishito could kill someone merely to make someone else "unhappy".

[oblivious_klutz]

"A-ah, sorry!" She apologized, not intending to hurt her partner but comfort him, quickly pulling back carefully. A partnership meant working together, of course. If she was hurting him, she would stop. Colette wouldn't wish pain or death on anyone, generally only fighting to protect her friends and comrades back home. For Sylvarant.

"But you wouldn't. You could have hurt or killed me before, right? But you held back, you didn't. You ran away to avoid attacking me, from what I recall. And I don't think anyone is too good, everyone has their weaknesses and fears, their shame, Shishito, even me....we all have that...darkness, in us, to some extent. It's natural." she continued softly, head bowed at the last as her hand raised to her Cruxis Crystal.

[cosuffering]

Shishito lay back again and went back to looking at the ceiling, wiping his eyes. He had held back. Why was that? He didn't quite understand it himself. She was so much like Ganta with all her caring that he should want to destroy her, to get that balance back in the world. At the same time... he had messed up with Ganta and didn't want to relive that. This was his second chance.

Wasn't it?

"No..." He groaned as if her words pained him. And they might. "Y-you... you don't understand. That darkness...as you call it, I guess. It's...I'm so good. S-so good at being in pain. But now... you know that sometimes I just have to give pain to others. S-sometimes I hate it. And sometimes.... I don't."

[oblivious_klutz]

"Being in pain....Give pain? What....what do you mean? Shishito, you're not....not in prison anymore. You don't have to hurt anyone, or be scared of anyone here hurting you. I won't let them!" Well, except maybe the Witches, which was more out of her control than the ordinary teasing/bullying of course. But after knowing he had been in prison, coupled with his meek and gentle demeanor, Colette couldn't help feeling protective of her partner. She did not know about Ganta, about his past. But she could gather enough, and was grateful for what little he had already told her about him and his past before BREW pulled him in to Death City.

[cosuffering]

Well Shishito was listening, but he thought if he didn't have to be in pain anymore, he wouldn't be lying in the hospital. But Colette's words stung him in both a tragic and happily pathetic sort of way. She won't let them? They were awfully big words to spend on someone like him. Something... his father might have told someone before they died in the earthquake, so they wouldn't be scared. He didn't feel scared when she said it that way.

"I don't want to....anymore...." Even if he was good at being in pain, he didn't like it. It was supposed to end after you died anyway.

[oblivious_klutz]

"Then you don't have to, okay? I'll do my best to make sure of it." Colette reassured her partner earnestly, hands clutched at her chest as she spoke. The Chosen knew what it was like to be different some how. Her whole life she was treated differently. Even her father and grandmother didn't call her by name anymore, merely 'The Chosen'. And she was no stranger to pain, given the process of the Angel transformation.

[cosuffering]

That seemed good enough to Shishito then. He went silent, the sniffling quieted, and he closed his eyes lightly. He didn't know if he believed Colette could actually stop it. In fact, he was sure that she couldn't. But the idea was nice. And the fact that he knew she was sincere made him feel good. At least for now.