Warning: nonsense writing of mine.
All of a sudden. I felt like crying.
Unfamiliar tears welled up along the contours of my eyes.
I don't understand it at all.
Perhaps it was the pressure for the upcoming test.
Perhaps it was due to the monotonous numbing stomach pain that comes ever so often.
Perhaps it was due to His call..
I shall now dwell too much into the subject of him again. I have someone else now. Someone who is giving me the courage to trust. Someone who is trying to make me believe once again that a future still exist. The world did not fall when He left. I did not break into a million scattered pieces. Life was passed back onto my hands again. Love was lost indeed but a hand reached out to guide me to her again.
My stomach hurts again. It's the same dull pain.
Two weeks ago i was diagnosed with gastric flu. Apparently I recovered but it's back again. I'm losing appetite. I'm losing my shape. I force feed myself once in a while, reminding that I need to eat. I met CJ(my date) for dinner just now and he looked noticebly concern over my conditions. Sometimes I feel like a cat. Once in a while I crave for unconditional affection for the other party. I would have purred if I have to. Fortunately I did not have to resort to doing that.
My test will be coming in a few days time. How prepared am I? I'm in a stiuation where you know that you must study but there's no way of concentrating. There's restlessness in me. When Alvin left, momentarily I felt lost. As I learn to pick myself up I unknowingly went into a mental escapde. From activities to activites I joined to force myself to believe that I am better than who I was.
Denial. Is that how you call it?
I was hoping to transcede into a higher plan. But when I woke up from the daze, I realised that I have let go alot behind. Studies came to me like an unprecedented storm. I didn't look up to see the darkening clouds until it started to pour. People around me had seeked shelter. Some even close their doors. But there's a group of you that opened yours and shouted,"Run! Run here!"
I'm still running in the rain. I felt that blade of cold slicing right into me. I felt the pain as the raindrops stoned me. But because of all of you, I believe that I will make it through.
It's late now but I'm still in school.
Perhaps it's its serenity of the night that seduces me here. Everthing is a glasscase of silence except for the ocassional buses that chartered around the compound and the echoing steps of those heading down the stairs. Home somehow seems crowded. I seem to be seeking an escape from reality. I bought books and started reading at a feverish speed. Shouldn't I be mugging into my books? I thought so too but the restlessness is still there. CJ subsided it but only I can subdue it.
Again I stared into the lonely roads of the campus ground.
I probably would like to have a hostel here but the rent is really too great for me to handle. For all I know, I want to be alone once in a while. The previous week I had been preparing for a test that seemingly produced no results from my hard work. I almost lost my belief. But I reminded myself that I am a fighter. I fought hard to reach where I am now. And I will not let myself down again.
Finished reading this book 'The Narcissist' by Edmund Wee. A local writer. A story about how a man blames others for who he is. Making the wrong right by pushing the blame away. Insecure and desperate but forcing a front of confidence and strength. It feels like anyone of us. A simple issue written with complicated words.
There's another book that I'm reading, 'Tuesdays with Morrie' by Mitch Albom. A biography of a dying man. He tells us the way it feels to die. Death is inevitable but most of us still chose to pretend that we live in a world of immortality. The sweet fantasy is the bitterness of the truth. When we feel that arms reaching for our shoulders, it might be too late to realise. Easier said than done. Who had ever asked himself at the end of each day,"Is today the day? Did I do the things that I want to do? Have I live today as I wanted? Did I remember to hug and kiss my love ones and tell them how much I love them?" A nice book. A complicated issue written in simple words.
As my pressue accumulates, I need to let it out. Probably writting is in some sense, my anti-depressant. A pseudo drug that set me thinking straight and concentrate on myself again.
Sorry for the blabbering :)
Unfamiliar tears welled up along the contours of my eyes.
I don't understand it at all.
Perhaps it was the pressure for the upcoming test.
Perhaps it was due to the monotonous numbing stomach pain that comes ever so often.
Perhaps it was due to His call..
I shall now dwell too much into the subject of him again. I have someone else now. Someone who is giving me the courage to trust. Someone who is trying to make me believe once again that a future still exist. The world did not fall when He left. I did not break into a million scattered pieces. Life was passed back onto my hands again. Love was lost indeed but a hand reached out to guide me to her again.
My stomach hurts again. It's the same dull pain.
Two weeks ago i was diagnosed with gastric flu. Apparently I recovered but it's back again. I'm losing appetite. I'm losing my shape. I force feed myself once in a while, reminding that I need to eat. I met CJ(my date) for dinner just now and he looked noticebly concern over my conditions. Sometimes I feel like a cat. Once in a while I crave for unconditional affection for the other party. I would have purred if I have to. Fortunately I did not have to resort to doing that.
My test will be coming in a few days time. How prepared am I? I'm in a stiuation where you know that you must study but there's no way of concentrating. There's restlessness in me. When Alvin left, momentarily I felt lost. As I learn to pick myself up I unknowingly went into a mental escapde. From activities to activites I joined to force myself to believe that I am better than who I was.
Denial. Is that how you call it?
I was hoping to transcede into a higher plan. But when I woke up from the daze, I realised that I have let go alot behind. Studies came to me like an unprecedented storm. I didn't look up to see the darkening clouds until it started to pour. People around me had seeked shelter. Some even close their doors. But there's a group of you that opened yours and shouted,"Run! Run here!"
I'm still running in the rain. I felt that blade of cold slicing right into me. I felt the pain as the raindrops stoned me. But because of all of you, I believe that I will make it through.
It's late now but I'm still in school.
Perhaps it's its serenity of the night that seduces me here. Everthing is a glasscase of silence except for the ocassional buses that chartered around the compound and the echoing steps of those heading down the stairs. Home somehow seems crowded. I seem to be seeking an escape from reality. I bought books and started reading at a feverish speed. Shouldn't I be mugging into my books? I thought so too but the restlessness is still there. CJ subsided it but only I can subdue it.
Again I stared into the lonely roads of the campus ground.
I probably would like to have a hostel here but the rent is really too great for me to handle. For all I know, I want to be alone once in a while. The previous week I had been preparing for a test that seemingly produced no results from my hard work. I almost lost my belief. But I reminded myself that I am a fighter. I fought hard to reach where I am now. And I will not let myself down again.
Finished reading this book 'The Narcissist' by Edmund Wee. A local writer. A story about how a man blames others for who he is. Making the wrong right by pushing the blame away. Insecure and desperate but forcing a front of confidence and strength. It feels like anyone of us. A simple issue written with complicated words.
There's another book that I'm reading, 'Tuesdays with Morrie' by Mitch Albom. A biography of a dying man. He tells us the way it feels to die. Death is inevitable but most of us still chose to pretend that we live in a world of immortality. The sweet fantasy is the bitterness of the truth. When we feel that arms reaching for our shoulders, it might be too late to realise. Easier said than done. Who had ever asked himself at the end of each day,"Is today the day? Did I do the things that I want to do? Have I live today as I wanted? Did I remember to hug and kiss my love ones and tell them how much I love them?" A nice book. A complicated issue written in simple words.
As my pressue accumulates, I need to let it out. Probably writting is in some sense, my anti-depressant. A pseudo drug that set me thinking straight and concentrate on myself again.
Sorry for the blabbering :)