shake it off
Ugh. I hate school right now. I have not been this stressed in... well, recent memory. I am literally losing my mind. I have gallons of paperwork to do, I'm out of cigarettes and other smokables (the market's been dry since Monday), and I have this bullshit job that keeps making me miss class. It's the week before finals and I have skipped every class for two days. What is wrong with me?
I think I need to quit my job. Nightstarring is fun, but I can't keep doing this to my biological clock. I've been screwed up all year. and I keep promising myself it's a god deal because it's such a great chance to do my work. I may have actually done work two nights out of this entire year. That office is not conducive. And it's my fault. I literally cannot make myself get to work. My work ethic is criminal. And I have no idea how to fix it. I'm somehow losing self-discipline as I age. I don't know what to do. And the worst part is i keep missing class. I take all these measures to make sure I get there. I set at least three different alarms every morning. On Wednesday I wrapped up my alarm clock with newspaper and duct tape so that I would have to wake up and spend the next minute and a half scrambling to turn it off. That actually worked, but come on, this is ridiculous. And I can't shake this awful, pervasive and constant feeling of failure. I should not be this behind. Everybody else in class is on schedule. Everybody else in class goes to class. And I always have some convenient excuse, when really the truth is I'm just pathologically lazy and have no control over my life.
And now I have this concert to go to, and I'm absolutley going to go, I've been waiting all semester, but there's a very small chance that I will get any real amount of work done this weekend either.
Went to a protest of this bullshit group called the genocide awareness project yesterday. It sounds innocuous enough, but they are actually a radical pro-life group that gets attention by putting up big public displays of mangled fetuses next to pictures of corpses in concentration camps and lynched black people and hacked up Rwandan children and then hands out pamphlets about how abortion and genocide are the same thing. I don't need to get on my soap box about this, you all know that's offensive and insensitive and wildly inaccurate. Point is, I spent several hours yesterday holding big signs with my hippie friends and my lesbian friends, while I should have been doing work. But it was for a good cause, and I recruited several people to help me make dreadlocks this summer and I had a lovely lunch with Emma, who was characteristically charming and fascinating to talk to. I find her intellectually engaging without being pretentious, which is a rare quality. I don't think I have spent that much alone time with her since... ever. We really should hang out more.
This whole master plan I had to avoid things I think are fun until I get my work done is not working. Because now I am just distracting myself with things I don't think are fun. Like slow-paced browser games and organizing my computer files. Lose-lose.
I think I need to quit my job. Nightstarring is fun, but I can't keep doing this to my biological clock. I've been screwed up all year. and I keep promising myself it's a god deal because it's such a great chance to do my work. I may have actually done work two nights out of this entire year. That office is not conducive. And it's my fault. I literally cannot make myself get to work. My work ethic is criminal. And I have no idea how to fix it. I'm somehow losing self-discipline as I age. I don't know what to do. And the worst part is i keep missing class. I take all these measures to make sure I get there. I set at least three different alarms every morning. On Wednesday I wrapped up my alarm clock with newspaper and duct tape so that I would have to wake up and spend the next minute and a half scrambling to turn it off. That actually worked, but come on, this is ridiculous. And I can't shake this awful, pervasive and constant feeling of failure. I should not be this behind. Everybody else in class is on schedule. Everybody else in class goes to class. And I always have some convenient excuse, when really the truth is I'm just pathologically lazy and have no control over my life.
And now I have this concert to go to, and I'm absolutley going to go, I've been waiting all semester, but there's a very small chance that I will get any real amount of work done this weekend either.
Went to a protest of this bullshit group called the genocide awareness project yesterday. It sounds innocuous enough, but they are actually a radical pro-life group that gets attention by putting up big public displays of mangled fetuses next to pictures of corpses in concentration camps and lynched black people and hacked up Rwandan children and then hands out pamphlets about how abortion and genocide are the same thing. I don't need to get on my soap box about this, you all know that's offensive and insensitive and wildly inaccurate. Point is, I spent several hours yesterday holding big signs with my hippie friends and my lesbian friends, while I should have been doing work. But it was for a good cause, and I recruited several people to help me make dreadlocks this summer and I had a lovely lunch with Emma, who was characteristically charming and fascinating to talk to. I find her intellectually engaging without being pretentious, which is a rare quality. I don't think I have spent that much alone time with her since... ever. We really should hang out more.
This whole master plan I had to avoid things I think are fun until I get my work done is not working. Because now I am just distracting myself with things I don't think are fun. Like slow-paced browser games and organizing my computer files. Lose-lose.