Happenings
A week ago.. i lay in the hospital completely weak and robbed of all my energy.. iwas told my blood count had dropped to half of that of a human being... i was immediately given a blood transfusion..and the doctors continued to put me on the road to recovery with bags of concetrated potassium which felt like was eating me up everytime they turned on the drip.. the feeling was that of cold steel, whoosing into your veins with a terrible sharp searing pain which left me screaming in pain, teeth clenched and tears falling down my cheeks.. it was horrible.. but yet again i survived....
The events that led to this.. i was vomitting blood..not able to consume any food.. when i did it just came all out.. and would not stop till i was puking pools and pools of blood.. The GP refused to deal with me anymore.. i could see a look of fear in his eyes and there was something he wasnt telling me.. as usual paranoia set in... i thought i was dying of cancer..
So i checked in and they did a lung x-ray and a scope.. my diagnosis was an inflammed oesophagus that was the cause of the bleeding..
Apparently, its not a lupus flare up at all but rather a side effect of long term steriod therapy. Doctors have told me its going to be constant battle now and i have to face all of this.. the walls of my stomach and intestines have also thinned.. my blood is thinned too.. as a result i can be very prone to internal bleeding.. even a sneeze or a cough could harm me unknowingly.. everything in me is very fragile now..
How frustrated and angry i felt..
I always felt like i needed everyone around me to understand my pain.. but i realised its not important anymore.. no one was showing genuine concern.. i could just sense it.. all felt it was an obligation to be there for me.. because i was a relative.. its sad.. and one point i even felt like they were probably thinking why do we even bother.. she is constantly sick.. nothing knew.. i could just be paranoid..
But one thing i learnt.. and realised.. i dont need anyone to feel sorry for me or even try to be in my shoes to understand my pain.. it didnt matter anymore.. i dont care anymore.. i'll just live for me do what i want... and not expect..Gaining another's understanding would not make me any happier..
No matter what has happened i would not trade my life for another one..
The events that led to this.. i was vomitting blood..not able to consume any food.. when i did it just came all out.. and would not stop till i was puking pools and pools of blood.. The GP refused to deal with me anymore.. i could see a look of fear in his eyes and there was something he wasnt telling me.. as usual paranoia set in... i thought i was dying of cancer..
So i checked in and they did a lung x-ray and a scope.. my diagnosis was an inflammed oesophagus that was the cause of the bleeding..
Apparently, its not a lupus flare up at all but rather a side effect of long term steriod therapy. Doctors have told me its going to be constant battle now and i have to face all of this.. the walls of my stomach and intestines have also thinned.. my blood is thinned too.. as a result i can be very prone to internal bleeding.. even a sneeze or a cough could harm me unknowingly.. everything in me is very fragile now..
How frustrated and angry i felt..
I always felt like i needed everyone around me to understand my pain.. but i realised its not important anymore.. no one was showing genuine concern.. i could just sense it.. all felt it was an obligation to be there for me.. because i was a relative.. its sad.. and one point i even felt like they were probably thinking why do we even bother.. she is constantly sick.. nothing knew.. i could just be paranoid..
But one thing i learnt.. and realised.. i dont need anyone to feel sorry for me or even try to be in my shoes to understand my pain.. it didnt matter anymore.. i dont care anymore.. i'll just live for me do what i want... and not expect..Gaining another's understanding would not make me any happier..
No matter what has happened i would not trade my life for another one..