(no subject)
some where between the whiskey, the cheap beer, the few sips of wine, the aspirin, the half a pack of pfunk lights, and the beef jerky i ended up here. before i even open my eyes, i try to remember the last drink i had. light pours through my eyelids. its early morning light, im sure of it. i hear a quick, ravenous snore and instinctively my eyes open. laying flat on my back, something i only do when im uncomfortable, the suspended ceiling feels like a trap. the smell of this place is unfamiliar. usually i can identify where i am based on the subtle scents of certain colognes and launrdry sprays. the ceiling is unfamiliar: stained and industrial looking. the smell, reminiscent but not familiar. no sounds to speak of except the quiet breathing of the body ive yet to discover next to me. as i lay there motionless, i think its entirely possible, i suppose, that even in this town i am some where new with with someone new. as exciting a thought ive ever had, i still have no idea how i ended up here. without moving, i glance over at my bed mate. i search his body for clues, anything i might remember. a hairy back and ass and a tribal tattoo situated on his arm. it doesnt really matter who it is, i have no reason to be here any longer.
i sit up slowly, trying to avoid creating any major disturbances in the heavy breathing. my surroundings are minimal and bare, which i admit to myself is comforting. i dont feel like im in someones home, theres no decoration whatsoever. a bed, a dresser and a chair just sit in the room without any special designation. the two windows have broken blinds and the closet door is hanging by the top hinge. this is one of the better rooms ive come to in. i feel less like an invasion than usual and more like accessory to the room; out of place and barely functional.
i finally notice my purse in the corner and get up to check its contents. ive lost countless wallets in this exact situation due to carelessness. at least six wallets lost and gone forever in my own reckless escapes. after finding my wallet i notice my own nakedness; complete bare-ass nakedness. horrified, i start collecting my clothing getting dressed as i go, hoping to make this a quick, undetected exit. pulling on my pants, almost done, a groan comes from the comforter island in the middle of the room. i stop. one leg in my jeans and one leg out i wait for signs of life. please, i pray to someone, please stay asleep. he will never know i was here if i can just make it to the door unnoticed. my prayers go unanswered and he speaks without looking at me.
"where are you going?" he is half asleep so i ignore him and finish putting on my pants. maybe he thinks im his mother or his ex and in his dream, he actually cares where im going. he rolls over while i pull on my boots and repeats the question. i can feel his glare on me so i look up to look him in the eyes. i dont remember his name but ive met him multiple times. weve known each other casually and through people for years. jimmy maybe. or jackie. something with a j and an ie.
"work." i say it plainly, looking him directly in the eyes. its a lie, of course.
"you said you dont work today." dammit. did i say that? why would i say that?! i look down at my feet, looking more familiar than ever in my over sized combat boots. im sure he can tell how desperatley i want to leave. i just lied to his face, but why did he call me on it? why wouldnt he just let me leave? he moves the blanket over and his exposes his entirely naked body which makes me extremely uncomfortable. i stand and turn to the window and grab my purse. "you said i could make you breakfast." he gets up and pulls some pants on leaving me in the room begging myself for an explanation. why, why, why would i say that?! thats not something i would say under normal circumstances. there must have been some sort of cruel and unusual torture involved.
i follow him out of the cave and into the kitchen. i speak but i dont even consider what im saying, anything to get out of here. "id like to but i have stuff to do." i wont look at him, he knows im a liar. stuff? who has stuff any more? i have nothing to do. i will walk to marcys, have eggs and sausage at the counter while i read the paper. ill walk home, check my email only to leave all the messages about how crazy drunk i was last night unanswered, and then spend the day on my couch in my underwear. eventually ill fall asleep to daytime television. maybe ill talk to my cat if shes in the mood for socializing. but thats about it. thats all i ever do. until the sun goes down.
"eggs and sausage, right?" i look up and he repeats it. "thats what you like?"
i nod and remember the existance of my cell phone. i start digging in my bag for it and find a glass from the bar. it obviously had something in it when i threw it in my purse because everything is soaked and smells of whiskey. i find my phone and pull it out, dripping and broken. he laughs and opens the fridge. you were convinced it would make it here without spilling."
im glad he remembers the night. sarcasm helps in situations like these, but not enough to make me want to stay. he pulls eggs out of the cold and i notice he isnt wearing a shirt. nudity bothers me, especially in the kitchen. all i can think about is coffee and the familiar counter at marcys. i throw my phone back into my wet bag. i look around for anything else that belongs to me. a small pile of bobby pins on the counter means two things: my hair is now a total mess and he took them out last night, because its something i cant seem to manage to do when im drunk. i decide to leave them, since he wanted them so badly. its the only luxury i can afford these days.
the kitchen is bare and cold, just like the bedroom. it smells like trash and i wonder how long hes lived here. how can he not notice the smell? hes heating the pan when im finally able to blurt it out. "listen," it doesnt even sound like my voice. my purse is dripping on his floor and im sure my makeup has run all over my face. i pause long enough for him to fill in the blank with his name. he doesnt so i reluctantly go on, "i have to go."
"where?" he asks. almost without emotion. it surprises me that he acts to entitled to the information. i make a noise in my throat like im clearing it but theres nothing in it besides the indifference i seem to be choking on this morning. i wanted to make some sort of statement about how i dont owe him an explanation any more than he owes me breakfast. instead, i give the floor and my boots a half smile and walk towards the door. the chain is on so i remove it.
"wait." again, he speaks with so very little emotion. like its just an aside, something hed rather say to himself. he walks towards me and curls his toes up on the carpet when he stops a few inches from me. "please stay."
i rest my back against the cold metal door and slide my hand down the the knob. i look up, hes a great deal taller than i am, and from this angle somewhat expressive and attractive. his shoulders are broad and i think about how much smaller my face must look compared to his. i turn the knob and push the door, discovering that to leave, ill have to pull...because the door didnt move when i pushed it. i step forward, and inhale. my face is close enough to his bare chest to feel his body heat on my skin. theres a cold spot on my back from the door. as i look up hair falls in my face and i pull on the door knob. the door opens and were enveloped in the cold morning. his eye twitches slightly, i step out into the hallway feeling more comfortable at this distance i say "ill see ya" and smile.
the door slams shut taking all the available light back into the apartment. as i descend the stairs to the second story apartment i hope im not far from marcys. i step out into the cold and look around. as i figure out where i am i dig around in my purse and find my cigarettes dry. Only blocks from marcys, i decide today is a day to count my blessings and light the end of one of said blessings. as i start down the street in the direction of hangover salvation i think of a good lie to tell the cell phone company to try to get a new one for free. my hands shake until i take the first sip of coffee and i find myself considering the room i awoke in this morning.
it was uninterrupted and perfectly disorganized. ive never understood why someone would want to bring me "home". the suspended ceilings gave it all away; there was nothing permenant or concrete. i fell asleep watching decorating shows that day and dreamt about door hinges.
i sit up slowly, trying to avoid creating any major disturbances in the heavy breathing. my surroundings are minimal and bare, which i admit to myself is comforting. i dont feel like im in someones home, theres no decoration whatsoever. a bed, a dresser and a chair just sit in the room without any special designation. the two windows have broken blinds and the closet door is hanging by the top hinge. this is one of the better rooms ive come to in. i feel less like an invasion than usual and more like accessory to the room; out of place and barely functional.
i finally notice my purse in the corner and get up to check its contents. ive lost countless wallets in this exact situation due to carelessness. at least six wallets lost and gone forever in my own reckless escapes. after finding my wallet i notice my own nakedness; complete bare-ass nakedness. horrified, i start collecting my clothing getting dressed as i go, hoping to make this a quick, undetected exit. pulling on my pants, almost done, a groan comes from the comforter island in the middle of the room. i stop. one leg in my jeans and one leg out i wait for signs of life. please, i pray to someone, please stay asleep. he will never know i was here if i can just make it to the door unnoticed. my prayers go unanswered and he speaks without looking at me.
"where are you going?" he is half asleep so i ignore him and finish putting on my pants. maybe he thinks im his mother or his ex and in his dream, he actually cares where im going. he rolls over while i pull on my boots and repeats the question. i can feel his glare on me so i look up to look him in the eyes. i dont remember his name but ive met him multiple times. weve known each other casually and through people for years. jimmy maybe. or jackie. something with a j and an ie.
"work." i say it plainly, looking him directly in the eyes. its a lie, of course.
"you said you dont work today." dammit. did i say that? why would i say that?! i look down at my feet, looking more familiar than ever in my over sized combat boots. im sure he can tell how desperatley i want to leave. i just lied to his face, but why did he call me on it? why wouldnt he just let me leave? he moves the blanket over and his exposes his entirely naked body which makes me extremely uncomfortable. i stand and turn to the window and grab my purse. "you said i could make you breakfast." he gets up and pulls some pants on leaving me in the room begging myself for an explanation. why, why, why would i say that?! thats not something i would say under normal circumstances. there must have been some sort of cruel and unusual torture involved.
i follow him out of the cave and into the kitchen. i speak but i dont even consider what im saying, anything to get out of here. "id like to but i have stuff to do." i wont look at him, he knows im a liar. stuff? who has stuff any more? i have nothing to do. i will walk to marcys, have eggs and sausage at the counter while i read the paper. ill walk home, check my email only to leave all the messages about how crazy drunk i was last night unanswered, and then spend the day on my couch in my underwear. eventually ill fall asleep to daytime television. maybe ill talk to my cat if shes in the mood for socializing. but thats about it. thats all i ever do. until the sun goes down.
"eggs and sausage, right?" i look up and he repeats it. "thats what you like?"
i nod and remember the existance of my cell phone. i start digging in my bag for it and find a glass from the bar. it obviously had something in it when i threw it in my purse because everything is soaked and smells of whiskey. i find my phone and pull it out, dripping and broken. he laughs and opens the fridge. you were convinced it would make it here without spilling."
im glad he remembers the night. sarcasm helps in situations like these, but not enough to make me want to stay. he pulls eggs out of the cold and i notice he isnt wearing a shirt. nudity bothers me, especially in the kitchen. all i can think about is coffee and the familiar counter at marcys. i throw my phone back into my wet bag. i look around for anything else that belongs to me. a small pile of bobby pins on the counter means two things: my hair is now a total mess and he took them out last night, because its something i cant seem to manage to do when im drunk. i decide to leave them, since he wanted them so badly. its the only luxury i can afford these days.
the kitchen is bare and cold, just like the bedroom. it smells like trash and i wonder how long hes lived here. how can he not notice the smell? hes heating the pan when im finally able to blurt it out. "listen," it doesnt even sound like my voice. my purse is dripping on his floor and im sure my makeup has run all over my face. i pause long enough for him to fill in the blank with his name. he doesnt so i reluctantly go on, "i have to go."
"where?" he asks. almost without emotion. it surprises me that he acts to entitled to the information. i make a noise in my throat like im clearing it but theres nothing in it besides the indifference i seem to be choking on this morning. i wanted to make some sort of statement about how i dont owe him an explanation any more than he owes me breakfast. instead, i give the floor and my boots a half smile and walk towards the door. the chain is on so i remove it.
"wait." again, he speaks with so very little emotion. like its just an aside, something hed rather say to himself. he walks towards me and curls his toes up on the carpet when he stops a few inches from me. "please stay."
i rest my back against the cold metal door and slide my hand down the the knob. i look up, hes a great deal taller than i am, and from this angle somewhat expressive and attractive. his shoulders are broad and i think about how much smaller my face must look compared to his. i turn the knob and push the door, discovering that to leave, ill have to pull...because the door didnt move when i pushed it. i step forward, and inhale. my face is close enough to his bare chest to feel his body heat on my skin. theres a cold spot on my back from the door. as i look up hair falls in my face and i pull on the door knob. the door opens and were enveloped in the cold morning. his eye twitches slightly, i step out into the hallway feeling more comfortable at this distance i say "ill see ya" and smile.
the door slams shut taking all the available light back into the apartment. as i descend the stairs to the second story apartment i hope im not far from marcys. i step out into the cold and look around. as i figure out where i am i dig around in my purse and find my cigarettes dry. Only blocks from marcys, i decide today is a day to count my blessings and light the end of one of said blessings. as i start down the street in the direction of hangover salvation i think of a good lie to tell the cell phone company to try to get a new one for free. my hands shake until i take the first sip of coffee and i find myself considering the room i awoke in this morning.
it was uninterrupted and perfectly disorganized. ive never understood why someone would want to bring me "home". the suspended ceilings gave it all away; there was nothing permenant or concrete. i fell asleep watching decorating shows that day and dreamt about door hinges.