(no subject)
seven million seven hundred twenty five thousand seven hundred eighty seven.
the thought of the holiday season is really upsetting me. it never seems like a big deal in my family which is fine, i usually spend sometime with them and then just take the day off. i guess it bothers me that i end up feeling cast aside. my dad has his new family. my sister has her new family. my mother doesnt really do the christmas thing. it seems strange to me that im the only one that still hasnt found something new. my mom and dad divorced...splitting up our family. my sister settles into relationships to recreate the family feeling we missed out on for so many years. so its like this:
my mom and my step dad
my dad, my step mom and my little sister
my sister and her boyfriend
...
me.
i get no "and". its just me. i feel close to my family...especially recently. but it doesnt change the fact that im still the one that shows up alone and has little to nothing to show for what ive done in the past few years of my life. i am an adult and i am pretty self sufficient...but i have failed to create a stable family like environment for myself. i dont usually feel rushed to acquire stability...but the holiday season puts pressure on me in a way that im not used to. i dont want to be alone any more. and not just in the romantic way. i dont want to feel like im doing everything on my own.
aside from kate and bob, i havent felt like anyone has really been able to be there for me in the ways that ive needed. mostly my own fault, true. trying to find the line between settling for good enough and unrealistic expectations.
its too cold to do anything.
the thought of the holiday season is really upsetting me. it never seems like a big deal in my family which is fine, i usually spend sometime with them and then just take the day off. i guess it bothers me that i end up feeling cast aside. my dad has his new family. my sister has her new family. my mother doesnt really do the christmas thing. it seems strange to me that im the only one that still hasnt found something new. my mom and dad divorced...splitting up our family. my sister settles into relationships to recreate the family feeling we missed out on for so many years. so its like this:
my mom and my step dad
my dad, my step mom and my little sister
my sister and her boyfriend
...
me.
i get no "and". its just me. i feel close to my family...especially recently. but it doesnt change the fact that im still the one that shows up alone and has little to nothing to show for what ive done in the past few years of my life. i am an adult and i am pretty self sufficient...but i have failed to create a stable family like environment for myself. i dont usually feel rushed to acquire stability...but the holiday season puts pressure on me in a way that im not used to. i dont want to be alone any more. and not just in the romantic way. i dont want to feel like im doing everything on my own.
aside from kate and bob, i havent felt like anyone has really been able to be there for me in the ways that ive needed. mostly my own fault, true. trying to find the line between settling for good enough and unrealistic expectations.
its too cold to do anything.