Connecting
Saturday was my first in-person event with the Authentic NC group (or any such group), called "Be Your Own Valentine" game night (about practicing self-love). I'm not sure how to characterize it. Let me just describe.
It took place in the Durham Living Arts Collective, which is a dance studio. It had a very light and airy vibe, with white hangings draped around the high rafters, and the afternoon sunlight coming through a large window. We sat (predictably) in a circle. People arrived in ones and twos, picked out chairs, and started chatting. I found people pretty engaging, didn't have much trouble making conversation, and made an effort to remember names. If I can remember them for 30 seconds then I'll likely remember them all day.
There were about 15-18 people. The facilitators started things up and "set context". Among this was the agreements that we made in order to participate (Honor self. Honor others. Keep confidentiality.). Also there was an... approach? Theme? Not sure what to call it: "Everything is OK." Meaning, try during the session to examine the perspective that however a thing actually is, we could be OK with that.
Our first game was called "Anyone else?". This is a game of musical chairs where someone makes a statement about themselves, and then anyone else for whom that is true gets up and they all try to find a new seat, one person being left out to perpetuate the game. The idea is nominally to see who else shares experience/traits with you, but I think the main effect is just to get everyone moving and mingling and laughing a bit.
Then there was a variation on this where everyone for whom the statement was true would step forward, and the first person would make follow-on statements to see who shared multiple related experiences/traits.
Then there was a game called "Mirror mirror" for which we paired off according to our own whims. This kind of thing (picking a partner) is always a little unsettling for me, being a natural wallflower, but a guy across the circle honed in on me for whatever reason, so I had a partner quickly. You face your partner, and then you "have a talk with yourself" like you might with a mirror, with a few prompts available ("what I love about you is..." or "I forgive you for..."). The mirror partner just listens. Then when this is over, they reflect back to you what they heard, and after that, they have the chance to add anything that they can perceive or extrapolate about you beyond what you said. I have to say, I was really moved by not just how well my partner remembered what I had said, but also the insights that he added. I have this persistent belief that I am a bit set apart from the rest of humanity - that no one really gets me. So to be "gotten" so well after such a short (though emotional) self-exposition was really a relief.
Finally there was a brief time for circling. We broke up into three smaller groups of about 5 each, and selected one person to be circled, i.e. the person that everyone else would try to get a sense of what it's like to be that person. I volunteered, since kittles suggested I do that :-). The facilitator started by asking questions about what I'm feeling and noting various things I was doing, like smiling at particular times (my nervous smile). He would invite the others to join in, and would frequently come back to me with "and how do you feel when you hear that?" Now, I was an absolute wreck by the end, with all the stuff that came spilling out - I have a lot of darkness, lately. But they were right there with me, very interested in everything, tremendously supportive and curious. It was such a counter to the fear that I have of bringing others down with all my shit, or worse, boring them.
Everyone in that room was a stranger to me at the beginning, but I got hugs from all over that night, from guys and girls, some who didn't really even interact with me. I guess there's something about a group of people willing and interested in this kind of experience that attracts such open people. Or perhaps makes them. I'm not sure whether to say I *like* the experience; certainly it was exhausting and emotional. I was ready to go by the end. But it underscores what I've seen again and again in this journey: that there are a lot of really decent people out there, with greatly varied backgrounds and motivations, and I am constantly surprised by their compassion and concern and real desire to connect (and chagrined at the relative lack of same in myself).
I will keep up with the group and see what I can get involved in.
It took place in the Durham Living Arts Collective, which is a dance studio. It had a very light and airy vibe, with white hangings draped around the high rafters, and the afternoon sunlight coming through a large window. We sat (predictably) in a circle. People arrived in ones and twos, picked out chairs, and started chatting. I found people pretty engaging, didn't have much trouble making conversation, and made an effort to remember names. If I can remember them for 30 seconds then I'll likely remember them all day.
There were about 15-18 people. The facilitators started things up and "set context". Among this was the agreements that we made in order to participate (Honor self. Honor others. Keep confidentiality.). Also there was an... approach? Theme? Not sure what to call it: "Everything is OK." Meaning, try during the session to examine the perspective that however a thing actually is, we could be OK with that.
Our first game was called "Anyone else?". This is a game of musical chairs where someone makes a statement about themselves, and then anyone else for whom that is true gets up and they all try to find a new seat, one person being left out to perpetuate the game. The idea is nominally to see who else shares experience/traits with you, but I think the main effect is just to get everyone moving and mingling and laughing a bit.
Then there was a variation on this where everyone for whom the statement was true would step forward, and the first person would make follow-on statements to see who shared multiple related experiences/traits.
Then there was a game called "Mirror mirror" for which we paired off according to our own whims. This kind of thing (picking a partner) is always a little unsettling for me, being a natural wallflower, but a guy across the circle honed in on me for whatever reason, so I had a partner quickly. You face your partner, and then you "have a talk with yourself" like you might with a mirror, with a few prompts available ("what I love about you is..." or "I forgive you for..."). The mirror partner just listens. Then when this is over, they reflect back to you what they heard, and after that, they have the chance to add anything that they can perceive or extrapolate about you beyond what you said. I have to say, I was really moved by not just how well my partner remembered what I had said, but also the insights that he added. I have this persistent belief that I am a bit set apart from the rest of humanity - that no one really gets me. So to be "gotten" so well after such a short (though emotional) self-exposition was really a relief.
Finally there was a brief time for circling. We broke up into three smaller groups of about 5 each, and selected one person to be circled, i.e. the person that everyone else would try to get a sense of what it's like to be that person. I volunteered, since kittles suggested I do that :-). The facilitator started by asking questions about what I'm feeling and noting various things I was doing, like smiling at particular times (my nervous smile). He would invite the others to join in, and would frequently come back to me with "and how do you feel when you hear that?" Now, I was an absolute wreck by the end, with all the stuff that came spilling out - I have a lot of darkness, lately. But they were right there with me, very interested in everything, tremendously supportive and curious. It was such a counter to the fear that I have of bringing others down with all my shit, or worse, boring them.
Everyone in that room was a stranger to me at the beginning, but I got hugs from all over that night, from guys and girls, some who didn't really even interact with me. I guess there's something about a group of people willing and interested in this kind of experience that attracts such open people. Or perhaps makes them. I'm not sure whether to say I *like* the experience; certainly it was exhausting and emotional. I was ready to go by the end. But it underscores what I've seen again and again in this journey: that there are a lot of really decent people out there, with greatly varied backgrounds and motivations, and I am constantly surprised by their compassion and concern and real desire to connect (and chagrined at the relative lack of same in myself).
I will keep up with the group and see what I can get involved in.