(no subject)
I am tired - not the kind of tired where you want to sleep (but you could), but my limbs feel heavy. I am dragging my feet the last few days, as though some gigantic weight is holding me down. I know that none of the things that have gone in my life actually ARE my fault or issues but I get to carry it like an overly large suitcase on my back, and it's making me feel like I am forced ...
Candice and I have talked a lot lately. She's going through emotional stuff that is hard but I am proud of her! She's standing up for herself and even though she loves her partner, she is not taking the belittling he's giving out to her (he has a bit of manic issues - while 90% of the time he's great, the other 10% is absolute emotional abuse and he doesn't recognize that he needs help with it). She has come so far too! and it's amazing, but hard. She moved her life so far away, even farther than I did, and I can't help her other than be a sounding board.
My boss told me his life which is very private and personal - he valued me enough, trusted me enough, to open up about what is going on in HIS home-life, with HIS family, and it showed me he does want me around and is giving me the responsibility of sharing our working relationship on a closer level. That's GREAT, however, the burden of what he told me... is a lot for him, AND me. Not only did my own gramme suffer what his mother is going through, but now I know if he's off-kilter, or he's not in the office, why, and also that most certainly he will NOT be there sometimes. It's a large bag for me to add to the pile, one of which I am willing to shoulder, but it's difficult.
This is why when I was contacted a second time from another Fortune 500 company, I took the interview, but I was candid and stated an astronomical salary for the position they were offering. They said they couldn't do it, but asked if there was wiggle room. I said "while I appreciate it, and would definitely love this position within the company and absolutely do not want to burn my bridges here, I DO love my role within my current place and have a wonderful working relationship not only with my colleagues, but my bosses, and for me to leave the atmosphere and the career I love in a lateral move financially, it wouldn't be worth it." The gentleman told me I most certainly did not burn any bridge, and he appreciates not only my openness and honesty, but that loyalty such as mine is rare and he understands perfectly. He stated the company himself was calling about has that kind of atmosphere but cannot give me the salary I need, but encouraged me to apply not for the lower Claims Assistant 1 position he called about given it is entry level but to apply for more senior roles given my history, and thanked me. It was great! but a hard pill to swallow. That's the second Fortune 500 company in two months that I have pointedly shut down any suggestion I can leave my career for. I do not make enough money where I am at living downtown Toronto, and it is a lower end of the scale. But I also cannot ask for a raise given medical leave and so it's "rock and a hard place" so to speak. I figure in October I will request some sort of movement.
Which brings me to the financials. I owe my foster parents a lot for helping me not only while in the hospital, but for the past and current moving into this place. I had swore I would pay the money back and I will, but with the cross over between disability pay and work pay, all of my stuff is "up in the air" without a definitive timeline as to when it evens out. Next week I return to work full time, but I won't actually SEE the full time pay until after June 15, AND we've had issues even now with payroll because coincidentally, my timecards are sent to the HR manager for approval, except, my HR manager is ALSO on medical leave, so it's jumping through hoops to get my pays approved. I owe people, my foster parents mainly, my bills, ... and I cannot guarantee anything because I never know what the hell is going on... how do you say that when you HAVE to pay these people?
It's exhausting. Between last and this week I was "ghosted" by two very important people in my life. Supposedly, it has nothing to do with me, but it hurts nonetheless. Jay, due to work and other outside commitments, basically walked off the face of the planet. I spent days trying to talk, with one word responses, tried to explain that it kinda hurt he's just disappeared, so he came back with some non-committal comment about it not being me and how much he loves me, and how amazing I am, and how he thinks of our outside curriculars often...well, that's GREAT, except, wtf, where are you? SW, after spending time with his ex who has his kid, just basically had a crushing meltdown and I said I was going to give him space but truth be told I bloody missed talking to him every day. Apparently, he doesn't LIKE talking to people every day (who knew?! I didn't...didn't show that to me either), and then what do I do? I am so overwhelmed and burdened the first chance I get to talk to him I am a morose waste of burdened flesh. Awesome.
I have to motivate myself to the gym today, do laundry, and sweep. The home itself is clean minus the above and dusting, but, I go to Niagara next weekend to see Patricia and fam, and I a) feel like I am overweight, b) need to ensure the home is tip top for when I return, and c) that all my ducks are in a row. At this point, I cannot afford it. But I was told yesterday work approved my timecard a day late - but that payroll is going to deal with it. I am "relatively" sure I will get paid the full hours, and am justifying $40 as a good way to just hang with people, which will do me some good, ... I just hope it's going to pan out.
There is, however, a very large and bright side to all of this: the me that was broken and destitute before the doctors, therapy, counselling, etc., would be immersed in liquor in my coffee right now. Not only do I have no desire to do that, moreover, haven't in over a month had any liquor at all (despite the fact there is wine, liquor, in the house), but my action was to buy four mini vanilla and icing covered cupcakes on sale from Longos, adding a bit of extra icing and about 25 Cheetos, and eating half the cupcake. At the suggestion of SW, who stated "sweet and salty would be amazing" I had the cupcake WITH Cheetos in it. What? it was good.
I love the me I am, the me I used to be, the me that is still inside me. But wow is it heavy - even knowing that none of these things are directly a result of ME.