Slipping?
This week has been a little messed up, mostly on my end. I really feel like I should have stuck to my plans for Tuesday and not tried to celebrate, things would have been easier then. As some of you know, my phone has been off for a majority of this week, I wanted some me time. I'd lost my smile in a way. Some time to work on my insides a bit with out playing a mom role. I'm not a mom, but there really are times when I feel like one. For the next month and a half, I'm stepping down. I know if I were a real mom I'd not get that chance. I'd hope that who ever that someday man is, would understand when this time of year rolls around...
Normally, what happened with my folks only gets to me at the end of July. This year, considering what happened at the start of May, I've been doing mostly good. No matter my efforts to stop it, the cycle has started. Some days you will see me, and I will be ok, others... well, lets just say, if I'm not working on the house, and it's the normal time for me to be out... proceed with caution. Those are the days where I cannot promise how I'll be.
I do not want head meds. for this as they have only made it worse so far. A pill can't make you smile, if your mind can't remember what a smile is. I know my mind know what one is, and every time it finds it, I hold on to it a long as I can.
Right now I ask for nothing more then what a true friend can give, patients and understanding.
I'm posting this here because not everyone on myspace needs to read it.
I wrote this poem this afternoon...
Slipping
Torn up, stitched up
Insides.
Held together by broken
Dreams.
Of all the things left
Hope,
That which can hurt
Most.
Keep the hope for
Others.
Just get threw the
Day.
Let me be lost
Wondering,
As twenty comes to
Pass.
Mother? Do I give
Joy?
Father? Do I give
Pride?
Brothers? Do I give
Smiles?
Speculation is my only
Answer.
Falling to my knees
Again.
Need to try to
Stand.
Want improvement since year
Fifteen.
I hope this blog can give you some insight as to where I am right now. I'm not turning emo. I'm not suicidal. Just in and out of a nasty low.
Normally, what happened with my folks only gets to me at the end of July. This year, considering what happened at the start of May, I've been doing mostly good. No matter my efforts to stop it, the cycle has started. Some days you will see me, and I will be ok, others... well, lets just say, if I'm not working on the house, and it's the normal time for me to be out... proceed with caution. Those are the days where I cannot promise how I'll be.
I do not want head meds. for this as they have only made it worse so far. A pill can't make you smile, if your mind can't remember what a smile is. I know my mind know what one is, and every time it finds it, I hold on to it a long as I can.
Right now I ask for nothing more then what a true friend can give, patients and understanding.
I'm posting this here because not everyone on myspace needs to read it.
I wrote this poem this afternoon...
Slipping
Torn up, stitched up
Insides.
Held together by broken
Dreams.
Of all the things left
Hope,
That which can hurt
Most.
Keep the hope for
Others.
Just get threw the
Day.
Let me be lost
Wondering,
As twenty comes to
Pass.
Mother? Do I give
Joy?
Father? Do I give
Pride?
Brothers? Do I give
Smiles?
Speculation is my only
Answer.
Falling to my knees
Again.
Need to try to
Stand.
Want improvement since year
Fifteen.
I hope this blog can give you some insight as to where I am right now. I'm not turning emo. I'm not suicidal. Just in and out of a nasty low.