hurt, pain, and forgiveness
Sad
I was lectured again. Made me feel like... poop. Too slow looking for job, won't ask for help from people, don't listen to others' advice, etc. Selfish. Stubborn. Know-it-all. All these names he called me. It hurt so bad, and so long, that I walked to the kitchen to get a knife to stab myself. I stood there, and held the knife to my stomach, then to my bellybutton, then just below that spot. I was crying my eyes out and holding my Hamster at the same time, and I kept saying "I can't take this pain anymore". But, I'm unscathed. Well, not really. After I said to myself "too messy", I walked to my room with the knife and sat down, and contemplated my wrists. I pressed the knife to my wrists, well just below the vein most people would slit, and tried to slit. Meh, I didn't really, but I ended up leaving a deep mark. I'm kinda hoping it doesn't go away too fast so I remember what a fool I was. Kinda hurts still.
This was about 2 hours. I had texted Eefi before any of this, so as soon as she could, she's like "I'm going to call you". So, I talked to her while I laid in bed, sobbing. We were going through some rough times, she just coming out and me going in. Perfect timing I guess. Well, after that, I tried to rest my head. Ached from stress of depression. Dinner. At the table, I said something like "some people think I can't do anything right". So, then he confronted me, and we got into a little spat, and my sister and mom were like "well, you misunderstood him". I didn't bother defending myself because "it didn't matter". He apologized because he didn't want to hurt me. I took some time to think, and I apologized for misunderstanding again and forgave him for hurting me again.
Yeah, this will probably happen again. Yes, I might go even farther, suicidally, next time. If that happens, I hope someone will be around to stop me. And then call me a "baka" to lighten the mood.
I was lectured again. Made me feel like... poop. Too slow looking for job, won't ask for help from people, don't listen to others' advice, etc. Selfish. Stubborn. Know-it-all. All these names he called me. It hurt so bad, and so long, that I walked to the kitchen to get a knife to stab myself. I stood there, and held the knife to my stomach, then to my bellybutton, then just below that spot. I was crying my eyes out and holding my Hamster at the same time, and I kept saying "I can't take this pain anymore". But, I'm unscathed. Well, not really. After I said to myself "too messy", I walked to my room with the knife and sat down, and contemplated my wrists. I pressed the knife to my wrists, well just below the vein most people would slit, and tried to slit. Meh, I didn't really, but I ended up leaving a deep mark. I'm kinda hoping it doesn't go away too fast so I remember what a fool I was. Kinda hurts still.
This was about 2 hours. I had texted Eefi before any of this, so as soon as she could, she's like "I'm going to call you". So, I talked to her while I laid in bed, sobbing. We were going through some rough times, she just coming out and me going in. Perfect timing I guess. Well, after that, I tried to rest my head. Ached from stress of depression. Dinner. At the table, I said something like "some people think I can't do anything right". So, then he confronted me, and we got into a little spat, and my sister and mom were like "well, you misunderstood him". I didn't bother defending myself because "it didn't matter". He apologized because he didn't want to hurt me. I took some time to think, and I apologized for misunderstanding again and forgave him for hurting me again.
Yeah, this will probably happen again. Yes, I might go even farther, suicidally, next time. If that happens, I hope someone will be around to stop me. And then call me a "baka" to lighten the mood.