(no subject)
you knoooooooooowwww........ I'm doing my best here to not come off like a clingy bitch, cuz I'm not........... but I miss my boyfriend. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I could just like, not think about him for like 10 fucking minutes. It's quarter after 2 in the morning... I can't fucking sleep, I'm bored with the internet (only pervy boys on at this hour anyway) and I'm running out of cigarettes. On the plus side, I saw the adoption counselor today and told her about some shit that's been going on. I don't have a fucking "saint" complex. I don't think I'm an amazing person because of what I did for my sister. I refuse to think that I'm better than anyone. Does this mean that I think I'm a shitty person? Of course fucking not. Because I'm not. All you have to do is get to know me. Yeah, in the past... I've done some shitty things........... to myself. If anyone has the right to call me a shitty person it's me. I'm really working on this whole self image thing. Like I realized today.... how can anyone ever love me if I don't love myself? I can't help but think, what happens when you are in a relationship with someone that makes you so fucking happy... you become comfortable with things and you let yourself go, right? It's like there's this little voice in the back of my head screaming "if you get fat again, you won't be desireable anymore and you'll lose it all." Not saying that would happen, but it DOES happen. Ahh... one of these days, I'll be alright. Eventually. So today there was this bum, walking down my street. Oh yeah... a homeless dude. I was putting my old trench coat in the trash A) because I don't like it and B) it had a huge rip on the side that I don't think is worth fixing. So I put in on the bag and the guy started rambling drunkenly on about some shit and in the end I gave it to him. It will be getting cold soon and better to him than a landfill anyway. I'm still blown away by the fact that there was a bum, in watervliet, in the day time. It's weird. What is happening to my city? It gets dark awfully early too, if you know what I mean. I had to tell the trashy kids the other day to not sit on my car. Like WTF, they were seriously just sitting on my car. I don't know them, and last time I checked my car doesn't look like a fucking park bench so.... Yeah. My neighbor laughed at the fact that I actually said something. It's like people are afraid to say anything nowadays. It's my shit, I don't care. It's the first time in 11 years I ever spoke to that neighbor too. Nice guy. I think I shocked him. I always do that to old people around here. I guess my look says "mean girl" or something. He told my dad that his daughter was a "nice girl" and if I ever needed help with my car I could just ask. I thought that was nice. Speaking of car, I get to waste my time and go to the dealership tomorrow. My father said it'd be a good idea to make an appointment and just find out where I stand. Ugh. I don't want to. "How can I get a car without a job?" ahahaha I give the fuck up. At least this gives me a really good reason to clean mine out though. Gives me a clean palette to dirty it all up again. Lazy ass. Yep, that's me. I just realized that this month, is the craziest month ever. I have something to do like everyday. Ok not that frequent but still. I guess now, since it's 2:44 I will try to go get some sleep. Wish me luck with the job stuff. I'm going insane.