(no subject)
I won tickets to the Bleeding Through show for tomorrow night. I wanted Todd to go but he had to be a total jerkface and break my confidence. Is talking to someone through email about porn considered cheating? I left my straightening iron at Casey's and now I have to go to the show without washing my hair. Granted.... I washed my hair today and I usually only wash it every other day but... I dunno. For some reason I became really angry and upset at the same time because I don't have it. I am excited about the show but I really wish that Todd was going so that we could, well, I could get drunk and be crazy like all the other shows that we have been to. I miss last year already. I miss the way that my life was sort of. I miss that I was like... "fuck this and your bullshit! Date me? psshhh you must be kidding. I don't have time for you." Now it's like I am consumed by my boyfriend. I can not help that I am in love. "Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."I can't help it that the moment that I have a day free, I think about spending it with him. Life is short and I don't want to waste it. Why is it so bad that I like whatever it is that is making me happy for the now? Why does everyone immediately make me feel guilty? I still don't feel that Casey feels anything near the way that I feel for him because he just refuses to make any kind of effort. I swear to god the only reason why I got something for Valentine's day is because he knew that if he didn't, it'd be over. So he did what he had to do to keep me around. This will not last. I am not a "bare minimum" kind of girl. I need passion and romance. I have none of that here. I don't know what to do to make him WANT to do things for me. I can't make him. I know that. I just don't know what I am doing wrong. I feel like I am just not worth it to Casey and I feel like as long as I keep pretending that I am ok with it then nothing will ever change. I am sad.
I need to call Nikki and I need to start being a better friend. It's like I have dropped off the face of the earth. This is what happens when you are happy. No one or nothing else matters. As much as I bitch about things, I am happy deep down. I am just disapponted with the way things are turning out. I dunno. I am not materialistic at all, but every now and then it feels really good to have some hard copy gesture of what I mean to someone. Maybe I'm just not the kind of girl that you do things like that for. Maybe if I were skinnier and prettier then I would get the kind of attention and love that I think I deserve. I just want a clone of me, altered to look like a boy who is skinny and over 6' tall with a perfect cock that leans to the left and my life will be complete. Seriouosly.
I'm so scared of the next month.
I need to call Nikki and I need to start being a better friend. It's like I have dropped off the face of the earth. This is what happens when you are happy. No one or nothing else matters. As much as I bitch about things, I am happy deep down. I am just disapponted with the way things are turning out. I dunno. I am not materialistic at all, but every now and then it feels really good to have some hard copy gesture of what I mean to someone. Maybe I'm just not the kind of girl that you do things like that for. Maybe if I were skinnier and prettier then I would get the kind of attention and love that I think I deserve. I just want a clone of me, altered to look like a boy who is skinny and over 6' tall with a perfect cock that leans to the left and my life will be complete. Seriouosly.
I'm so scared of the next month.