(no subject)
So I sent out 4 more resumes today and so I hope that something soon comes along. I need more money. I have a boyfriend now and boys are really really expensive. Oh wait... or is it that I just have a problem spending my money on them.... that could be it. I know that traditionally that the boy is supposed to spend all his money on his woman and I've been dying for the chance to be spoiled but I kinda don't let it happen. It wouldn't happen anyway so I'll just continue on my way of being the spoiler. No not the thing on the back of a car... you know what I mean. I want a job really bad too because I wanna go to a gym. I wanna be more active and not be so fat. I was on the phone with Casey tonight and I did my BMI and it says that I am obese. I guess what I thought was the definition of that term is way wrong because apparently I am the definition of obese. I'm really sad about it. I like... never wanna eat again because I feel super disgusting now. I hate it so much. I also went into a skinny girl store with Meg the other day at Xgates and damn... I couldn't even get a bracelet on my fucking hand. It killed me. All I can think is why would Casey or anyone for that matter want to be with me. I am so gross, and I'm never gonna not be gross. I never change. This is the way I have always been and it seems like this is the way that I always will be. It depresses me. I wish that I could be ok with it. I wish that I could just be like "I'm fucking fat and it's just who I am so fucking deal with it." but I can't. I hate it and am turned off by it just as much as anyone else is. I'm superficial against myself. Thank god for my lack of willpower cuz I'd seriously probably be dead. I'd be bulemic of something and probably have ended up like Terri Schiavo or something. I know I know, that's horrible of me to say.
We went house hunting tonight and didn't really have much luck. Maybe it's just me but every house that we go to besides that one house that one afternoon doesn't feel right. They all creep me out. Maybe it's the wood panneling everywhere and the creepy 1960's paint colors. I dunno. If, and that's a big if, I should ever be able to have my own house, I want one built just for me. Cuz I would never put panneling anywhere. It's so ugly. But that is fantasyland. That would be if I was going to have a normal life but obviously I'm not. One of these days we will have a nice house and we will be all good in the hood as Casey would say. OH! also....... I found out today that the reason why the city doesn't want my house and why my landlord can't sell it is because it is an "environmental hazzard." Yes. Isn't that fucking creepy. If the shit starts leaking into the water system we could like die or some shit. It really made me not want to ever drink from the tap or make kool-aid ever again. John (the realtor) said that in order for anyone to ever want to buy it the EPA would have to come and check the shop out and then it would have to be cleaned out which could easily cost $500,000. Our landlord is way too cheap so I know he's just letting the whole place rot right to the ground which is sad at the same time.
Is it bad that I see Casey kinda often now and yet each time that we are at our respective houses I just can't wait to see him again? I feel... like I'm being THAT girl. The girl that craves too much and then it all goes to hell. He did say I was needy the other night. He told me that it was the good needy but seriously... I feel like that's just a cover up. Since when did being needy have different degrees or when was it EVER a good thing? I dunno. It'd be a lot easier if he was closer because I bet I wouldn't want to see him so much. He'd be right there and it'd be no biggie. I mean of course I'd want to see him but not like this. You know what I'm trying to say. I might as well enjoy it now because soon... it's almost gonna be like we're not even together anymore. He'll be working days and because I am just not a day person no matter what I do I'll be working afternoon/nights and we will never be able to have time for eachother. That.... makes me pretty sad actually. I can't harp on the bad though. I have to stay positive right? UGH!
I'm done.... my spine hurts again and this time I am not stoned.
We went house hunting tonight and didn't really have much luck. Maybe it's just me but every house that we go to besides that one house that one afternoon doesn't feel right. They all creep me out. Maybe it's the wood panneling everywhere and the creepy 1960's paint colors. I dunno. If, and that's a big if, I should ever be able to have my own house, I want one built just for me. Cuz I would never put panneling anywhere. It's so ugly. But that is fantasyland. That would be if I was going to have a normal life but obviously I'm not. One of these days we will have a nice house and we will be all good in the hood as Casey would say. OH! also....... I found out today that the reason why the city doesn't want my house and why my landlord can't sell it is because it is an "environmental hazzard." Yes. Isn't that fucking creepy. If the shit starts leaking into the water system we could like die or some shit. It really made me not want to ever drink from the tap or make kool-aid ever again. John (the realtor) said that in order for anyone to ever want to buy it the EPA would have to come and check the shop out and then it would have to be cleaned out which could easily cost $500,000. Our landlord is way too cheap so I know he's just letting the whole place rot right to the ground which is sad at the same time.
Is it bad that I see Casey kinda often now and yet each time that we are at our respective houses I just can't wait to see him again? I feel... like I'm being THAT girl. The girl that craves too much and then it all goes to hell. He did say I was needy the other night. He told me that it was the good needy but seriously... I feel like that's just a cover up. Since when did being needy have different degrees or when was it EVER a good thing? I dunno. It'd be a lot easier if he was closer because I bet I wouldn't want to see him so much. He'd be right there and it'd be no biggie. I mean of course I'd want to see him but not like this. You know what I'm trying to say. I might as well enjoy it now because soon... it's almost gonna be like we're not even together anymore. He'll be working days and because I am just not a day person no matter what I do I'll be working afternoon/nights and we will never be able to have time for eachother. That.... makes me pretty sad actually. I can't harp on the bad though. I have to stay positive right? UGH!
I'm done.... my spine hurts again and this time I am not stoned.