sickness & sex dreams
Both of my best girlfriends are dealing with really terrible illness-y things right now. And it just doesn't seem fair. Because I've been really shitty to my body for at least a decade and, besides my mysterious cough-disease, I'm fine. I don't WANT an illness!!!! I'm just saying, these people are younger & healthier than I am & it sucks that they have crappy things happening inside them. I was never really Catholic, but my brief time in the church still makes me feel like only bad people should have problems. It's not my real belief, but a weird thing I can't explain (obviusly) & I can't shake it.
I think whatever's wrong with my own insides will remain insideously quiet & still... I feel like, when I actually have children, all of my past abuse is going to catch up with me. I will be sick & awful when I finally have something real to care about. It's my fucked-up way of thinking that haunts me always. I'm afraid to have the life that I want because it will inevitably be taken away from me. Most certainly by my own doing.
Alex was talking about sex dreams at work. I love sex dreams, I wish I had them more often. Instead, I have crazy masturbation dreams. I actually had one last night. In these dreams, I am totally overwhelmed by the desire to jerk off, but I am in some situation where it's completely impossible to do so. I search & search for a place... Last night, I kept trying to do it in bathrooms & in the middle of restaurants & whatnot. I like it when I have sex dreams about Eminem. I haven't had a sex dream about someone I know in a long time. Good.
I think whatever's wrong with my own insides will remain insideously quiet & still... I feel like, when I actually have children, all of my past abuse is going to catch up with me. I will be sick & awful when I finally have something real to care about. It's my fucked-up way of thinking that haunts me always. I'm afraid to have the life that I want because it will inevitably be taken away from me. Most certainly by my own doing.
Alex was talking about sex dreams at work. I love sex dreams, I wish I had them more often. Instead, I have crazy masturbation dreams. I actually had one last night. In these dreams, I am totally overwhelmed by the desire to jerk off, but I am in some situation where it's completely impossible to do so. I search & search for a place... Last night, I kept trying to do it in bathrooms & in the middle of restaurants & whatnot. I like it when I have sex dreams about Eminem. I haven't had a sex dream about someone I know in a long time. Good.