Love Stinks. Yeah yeah.
Something rather huge was realized rather recently. By me of course. Has anyone noticed I haven't been in a relationship since last February? Of course you have, all of you follow my life very closely and almost stalk me. That's a given. Well that being single is not because I fail at trying to pick up women, being unattractive (I mean come on, look at me. I'm gorgeous), or just plain shyness. It has been because I don't want it. No way. No how. I mean there was that whole thing with Kirstin, and that might have been the straw that broke the camel's back.
Alright, I'm gonna level with all of you here and be completely honest. It might not even matter because I don't think anyone really reads this anyway, but I understand someone may come across this. Whatever. The last girl I dated was Sharyn. This ended very strangely with her simply because I didn't end near hating her like I did Katie. It was more of an issue of her just not being right for me, boring, etc. Of course she didn't take it well, especially with it being around her birthday/Valentine's Day (better known as Liberation Day to me), but it had to be done. Everyone could see how unhappy I was; even I could see it.
It took me a long time to get over her due to the whole ambiguous feelings after thing. There was time when we even almost got back together. It was very close. To paraphrase myself, "The only person who could keep this from happening is Kirstin, and that's not very likely." It's very funny that I said that because soon after...well, the whole Kirstin thing. That's very well documented here. Since then, I've been very well love-jaded. Completely worthless. There was someone I thought was something like the love of my life or someone very close to it for close on to seven years, and then I realize that wasn't what I wanted at all. I mean Bam! Lets go into shock now. What's the next step? Re-evaluate my parameters and go again? Yes, usually.
Lets keep something in mind though. I've had no good experiences with relationships. They've all been terrible. Where is my motivation to go right back into them? I mean hells, this has been the only winter in the past five years where I have not fallen into a depression, and it's also the first one where I haven't been romantically linked to someone. Coincidence? I think not. I will acknowledge that there are better women out there. Women that won't drive me crazy. I just don't see them (of course I mean most of the women I know that are not already linked. I don't look for relationshipped women).
So all of that is why I've been single all of this time. Add on the anticipation of an adventure making any sort of relationship pretty useless (a strange side-effect I must admit), and you have the gist of my single story. That's not what you were waiting this whole time for. I said I had a big realization to impart to you, and I just made you dredge through a whole mountain of text to get to it. Well here it is.
My views are changing. I'm becoming more open to look around. I still have the good ability to know what I want and don't want in a women. But that device that was implanted in my head that made me feel like I would be stuck with a woman after I'd done any sort of anything with a woman is gone now. I know this. I can feel it. So yes, my realization is that I'm much more open to looking around and testing the waters without getting frozen in. I know, it was such a small realization. "Chris, why the heck did you make me-" cause this is my journal, and I felt like back story was necessary. So sue me.
And then they did.
Alright, I'm gonna level with all of you here and be completely honest. It might not even matter because I don't think anyone really reads this anyway, but I understand someone may come across this. Whatever. The last girl I dated was Sharyn. This ended very strangely with her simply because I didn't end near hating her like I did Katie. It was more of an issue of her just not being right for me, boring, etc. Of course she didn't take it well, especially with it being around her birthday/Valentine's Day (better known as Liberation Day to me), but it had to be done. Everyone could see how unhappy I was; even I could see it.
It took me a long time to get over her due to the whole ambiguous feelings after thing. There was time when we even almost got back together. It was very close. To paraphrase myself, "The only person who could keep this from happening is Kirstin, and that's not very likely." It's very funny that I said that because soon after...well, the whole Kirstin thing. That's very well documented here. Since then, I've been very well love-jaded. Completely worthless. There was someone I thought was something like the love of my life or someone very close to it for close on to seven years, and then I realize that wasn't what I wanted at all. I mean Bam! Lets go into shock now. What's the next step? Re-evaluate my parameters and go again? Yes, usually.
Lets keep something in mind though. I've had no good experiences with relationships. They've all been terrible. Where is my motivation to go right back into them? I mean hells, this has been the only winter in the past five years where I have not fallen into a depression, and it's also the first one where I haven't been romantically linked to someone. Coincidence? I think not. I will acknowledge that there are better women out there. Women that won't drive me crazy. I just don't see them (of course I mean most of the women I know that are not already linked. I don't look for relationshipped women).
So all of that is why I've been single all of this time. Add on the anticipation of an adventure making any sort of relationship pretty useless (a strange side-effect I must admit), and you have the gist of my single story. That's not what you were waiting this whole time for. I said I had a big realization to impart to you, and I just made you dredge through a whole mountain of text to get to it. Well here it is.
My views are changing. I'm becoming more open to look around. I still have the good ability to know what I want and don't want in a women. But that device that was implanted in my head that made me feel like I would be stuck with a woman after I'd done any sort of anything with a woman is gone now. I know this. I can feel it. So yes, my realization is that I'm much more open to looking around and testing the waters without getting frozen in. I know, it was such a small realization. "Chris, why the heck did you make me-" cause this is my journal, and I felt like back story was necessary. So sue me.
And then they did.