(no subject)
Man this is going to kill me, I am at home, it is friday night, I am stuck with no friends family or even fucking aquaintances to hang with, I have no whip so I am sitting here staring at a fucking computer plotting to do something, I dont care what, stupid or not, I feel like a trapped fucking rat, and the fact that bullet with butterfly wings just came on doesnt help any, I just want to get up and thrash around my room and punch and kick and tear and put massive holes in everything and throw my computer out the window, until I am to tired to lift my arms. I wish once just once I could have things go smoothly, I wish people were not so fucking uptight, and I wish I knew who my real friends were....I wish alot of things I guess. Where am I , I mean I know my bodies location, but I dont feel like me anymore, I feel weakend, and tired, I feel dull I used to be quick sharp ready to topple the world, now I just wish the world would forget I exsist and leave me be, I have been doing this for to long, and its true whatthey say everything stays the same, even if the faces change. Maybe we are born into a chosen life and no matter how hard we struggle against it, our fate is already decided or maybe my karma is so bad that I am forced to live my life a product of my environment, and I just a product of things I did to survive, have I fought the moster so long that I myself have become the monster? normally i would call someone and get drunk and try to gloss over all the bullshit, but I have done that so many times even being retardedly fucked up doesnt hide the empty feeling, it doesnt dull the pain anymoreno mmatter how many people i have in my life I feel alone, a struggle uphill and everytime I get close to the top someone who was supposed to give me there hand and congardulate me on raising myself above this horrid rancid piece of meat I call a life throws a boulder down on me and I am forced back to the bottom, I have been hit by to many perverbial boulders now I stand at the bottom and I dont know if I have the strength for another climb, and why? what would be the point? as soon as I get close to the top i will just be knocked down again.some days I look back to the last time I was truly happy, I try to see past this haze of bad choices and bad memories and you know what I find, nothing, I honestly cant remember not being sad or feeling aloneeven when DJ was born, I love him to death but it feels like he is apart of another world, one I am not invited into, so I sit on the outside watching as my son grows up. it feels as if I am standing still and the days are passing around me, like I amonly allowed to watch but if i try to touch it it will break, I have hurt so many people and I have messed so much up, I am in a hole and it get deeper everytime I try to climb out. I am sorry to everyone I have hurt, I never ment to do it, I am sorry to my sons, I wish I could be the father you deserve, I only hope you grow up to be nothing like me. I am sorry to the ones who really have tried to save me, from my life, and from myself, in the end I guess i just am not strong enough. I truly do love you all, I just wish i did not hurt all the time.