my baby dont mess around
Bullshiiiiit. Warmer waters ever welcome. I'm tired of freezing. I will therefore ask the all important question WHY NOT ME.
Speaking of cold weather, these shorts are freezing and I'm next to the window. It cuts the edge off the hyperness. I seem to fight my way over various deadlines with an ounce of positive energy and then when things end shittily I feel like there is an excess of hostile energy inside of me waiting to get out. Extremely hostile, pretty unlike me for the most part.
Hope vs. Free
So Rachel took off back to Houston. Yeah it doesn't feel so great to wish someone you want more than anything back safely to thier ex-boyfriend with a smile on your face. People get bored, people get horny, and old loves die hard. What an annoyance. Maybe if one of the main reasons they split up wasn't distance I'd feel better about that distance being eliminated. Its a balancing act of trying my hardest not to care, bracing myself for the very real possibility that I will feel so strangely I can't look at her when she gets back, or that maybe my mind is making up my reality and I should really stop worrying. No matter what I should stop worrying since worrying fixes nothing. Maybe I'm the one digging the hole. Maybe I'm the cause and maybe I'm what pushes her further away. I really don't know. Shes just sand through my fingers, and pretty much cant tell if im holding onto the last few grains or my gentle hand is appreciated. The worst part is I probably DON'T have a gentle enough hand and she doesn't really want that anyway. People warn me that no matter how many times people say they want someone they entirely may not. The most notorious example is EASILY what people want out of a relationship. I *KNOW* what I want. I may not have a clear head but I have clear goals. Its funny how many people give the advice to just push my luck and try anyway, even if she says she wants to go slow. The worst she can do is turn me down. I'm not a fucking predator. There is a difference between man and predator, even if the cynical disagree.
The debate in my head is if I go against the odds with hope or I claim freedom by going to someone else or locking myself away and throwing away the key.
So I've chosen to hope. Hope I'm wrong. Hope I'm special and hope I will be more than cleanup for a heartbreak or the peanut gallery commenting on how she found some guy. Its frustrating to think shes probably going to be drinking with some guys in a hot tub wearing that stars and stripes bikini on New Years Eve. It will strike midnight and she will have forgotten me and some other guy will be kissing her, meanwhile I'm just bumming around thinking about her. Its hard not to quit. Its hard not to be negative and its hard to trust when you aren't trusted or really taken seriously. Whatever right? I have a feeling the words she says to me when I see her again will probably be the kind I remember for the rest of my life. I just wonder what they will be. Yet another memory, be it good or bad that will wholly shape the next few years of my life.
Enough of that. Its not like I haven't beaten my thoughts to death already.
On another note, my instructor has kept my project about parasite architecture yet again. I recieved an invitation to an in-house critique to explain my project to higher faculty. It is like a more in depth defense of my project. Thats a pretty nice compliment, since he had to pick two from about uhh what 14? He had to pick the ones that were the most completely thought out, explored and innovative. He said it was one of the most completely resolved and creative projects he has seen in a second year studio. I know a lot of people hate it. They call it over complex and way too symbolic to be purposeful. Minimalism and casting your fucking ass in concrete to save a buck isn't the answer to everything. Besides there is an entire expressionist movement to back up EXACTLY what I mean so its not like I'm making this shit up either. The flower, the crystal and bird are all symbols of education, the mind and growth in the expressionist architecture sense. I could probably discuss my project for a few hours if they let me. But no, people like to pick and choose favorites, or simply look to what is popular as correct.
There is something disgusting about people saying 'oh you see I was experimenting with intersecting planes'. If cubism is relatively dead so is architecture in cubist roots. What a disgusting excuse for laziness and dry sterile environments, damn minimalism. Minimalism is overrated anyway. A box is a box and a plane is a plane. It funny to see people laud what was a movement away from capitalist progress in the western world, a movement which was in fact a step toward socialism, as purely fantastic. The reality is that minimalist archtecture was to give everyone an equal place to live that could be furnished with *identical* objects. With socialist roots and simplistic background its funny to find anyone who tries to extend a line past a bound and simply say "OH ITS CUBIST". Maybe you support socialism, but there is a homogenous atmosphere I think I'd choke on if that were the norm. At least to the extent that the minimalists originally advocated.
I made a cubist house in my 3d design class. Why? Cause its fucking easy thats why. Casting 6 walls into place is a joke. You can hire a small crane, two guys, and get a few dozen bags of concrete and planks of wood and voila you're fucking cubist. It just bugs me. Don't get me wrong, it is brilliant as far as a counter-reaction to bloated ancient architecture, brilliant as an economic answer when half of europe was on fire in the 40s, but mostly outdated in this world. Maybe project housing or I guess government spending are appropriate uses, if you don't care your civil workers live in a fucking hole and don't take pride in the way the infrastructure of your government is represented architecturally. Build a damn space frame, sink it in concrete, wrap it in canvas and spray foam on it. Cheaper, easier to build, lasts longer. At least you're in this century and are applying a modern answer. People also misunderstand what exactly cubist architecture is. Way too often people start freaking out that Frank Lloyd Wright is cubist because he uses right angles. Well he is not cubist unless you're looking at what you WANT to look at. I'm glad I know my history. A lot of people treat history as useless but theres something in knowing that YOU'RE correct, even if the world isn't. Besides it makes for some killer inside jokes among my nerdy friends that know better.
Amy just went offline AGAIN. Crazy people.
Speaking of my nerdy friends, had an interesting talk with Kristin today. I'm not entirely sure how we got on the subject but we had a very long very in depth discussion about religion. Funny that I get along probably the best with her out of anyone I know. We saw each other's points of view over and over and kind of have a greater understanding of each other now. Its hard to find a friend with such a close mix of the logical and emotional as yourself. Especially if you run all over the map like I do sometimes. I don't know. I considered going to a service with her. However due to my conversation with her she kind of understands that probably won't happen yet. How funny. At least I feel more honest with her and she kind of understands the way I think a lot better. Long story, not worth telling anyway for the most part. While its a journal there are still some thoughts I like to keep to myself. Especially nonsense ones.
Almost time to head home. Finally some time to relax. I wonder where I'll go or what I do. Maybe I'll find Jim since he said he may come by Houston sometime. Finally got to talk to him again recently, and I'm in the mood for some fun. Time to clean up around here, almost time to leave.
Speaking of cold weather, these shorts are freezing and I'm next to the window. It cuts the edge off the hyperness. I seem to fight my way over various deadlines with an ounce of positive energy and then when things end shittily I feel like there is an excess of hostile energy inside of me waiting to get out. Extremely hostile, pretty unlike me for the most part.
Hope vs. Free
So Rachel took off back to Houston. Yeah it doesn't feel so great to wish someone you want more than anything back safely to thier ex-boyfriend with a smile on your face. People get bored, people get horny, and old loves die hard. What an annoyance. Maybe if one of the main reasons they split up wasn't distance I'd feel better about that distance being eliminated. Its a balancing act of trying my hardest not to care, bracing myself for the very real possibility that I will feel so strangely I can't look at her when she gets back, or that maybe my mind is making up my reality and I should really stop worrying. No matter what I should stop worrying since worrying fixes nothing. Maybe I'm the one digging the hole. Maybe I'm the cause and maybe I'm what pushes her further away. I really don't know. Shes just sand through my fingers, and pretty much cant tell if im holding onto the last few grains or my gentle hand is appreciated. The worst part is I probably DON'T have a gentle enough hand and she doesn't really want that anyway. People warn me that no matter how many times people say they want someone they entirely may not. The most notorious example is EASILY what people want out of a relationship. I *KNOW* what I want. I may not have a clear head but I have clear goals. Its funny how many people give the advice to just push my luck and try anyway, even if she says she wants to go slow. The worst she can do is turn me down. I'm not a fucking predator. There is a difference between man and predator, even if the cynical disagree.
The debate in my head is if I go against the odds with hope or I claim freedom by going to someone else or locking myself away and throwing away the key.
So I've chosen to hope. Hope I'm wrong. Hope I'm special and hope I will be more than cleanup for a heartbreak or the peanut gallery commenting on how she found some guy. Its frustrating to think shes probably going to be drinking with some guys in a hot tub wearing that stars and stripes bikini on New Years Eve. It will strike midnight and she will have forgotten me and some other guy will be kissing her, meanwhile I'm just bumming around thinking about her. Its hard not to quit. Its hard not to be negative and its hard to trust when you aren't trusted or really taken seriously. Whatever right? I have a feeling the words she says to me when I see her again will probably be the kind I remember for the rest of my life. I just wonder what they will be. Yet another memory, be it good or bad that will wholly shape the next few years of my life.
Enough of that. Its not like I haven't beaten my thoughts to death already.
On another note, my instructor has kept my project about parasite architecture yet again. I recieved an invitation to an in-house critique to explain my project to higher faculty. It is like a more in depth defense of my project. Thats a pretty nice compliment, since he had to pick two from about uhh what 14? He had to pick the ones that were the most completely thought out, explored and innovative. He said it was one of the most completely resolved and creative projects he has seen in a second year studio. I know a lot of people hate it. They call it over complex and way too symbolic to be purposeful. Minimalism and casting your fucking ass in concrete to save a buck isn't the answer to everything. Besides there is an entire expressionist movement to back up EXACTLY what I mean so its not like I'm making this shit up either. The flower, the crystal and bird are all symbols of education, the mind and growth in the expressionist architecture sense. I could probably discuss my project for a few hours if they let me. But no, people like to pick and choose favorites, or simply look to what is popular as correct.
There is something disgusting about people saying 'oh you see I was experimenting with intersecting planes'. If cubism is relatively dead so is architecture in cubist roots. What a disgusting excuse for laziness and dry sterile environments, damn minimalism. Minimalism is overrated anyway. A box is a box and a plane is a plane. It funny to see people laud what was a movement away from capitalist progress in the western world, a movement which was in fact a step toward socialism, as purely fantastic. The reality is that minimalist archtecture was to give everyone an equal place to live that could be furnished with *identical* objects. With socialist roots and simplistic background its funny to find anyone who tries to extend a line past a bound and simply say "OH ITS CUBIST". Maybe you support socialism, but there is a homogenous atmosphere I think I'd choke on if that were the norm. At least to the extent that the minimalists originally advocated.
I made a cubist house in my 3d design class. Why? Cause its fucking easy thats why. Casting 6 walls into place is a joke. You can hire a small crane, two guys, and get a few dozen bags of concrete and planks of wood and voila you're fucking cubist. It just bugs me. Don't get me wrong, it is brilliant as far as a counter-reaction to bloated ancient architecture, brilliant as an economic answer when half of europe was on fire in the 40s, but mostly outdated in this world. Maybe project housing or I guess government spending are appropriate uses, if you don't care your civil workers live in a fucking hole and don't take pride in the way the infrastructure of your government is represented architecturally. Build a damn space frame, sink it in concrete, wrap it in canvas and spray foam on it. Cheaper, easier to build, lasts longer. At least you're in this century and are applying a modern answer. People also misunderstand what exactly cubist architecture is. Way too often people start freaking out that Frank Lloyd Wright is cubist because he uses right angles. Well he is not cubist unless you're looking at what you WANT to look at. I'm glad I know my history. A lot of people treat history as useless but theres something in knowing that YOU'RE correct, even if the world isn't. Besides it makes for some killer inside jokes among my nerdy friends that know better.
Amy just went offline AGAIN. Crazy people.
Speaking of my nerdy friends, had an interesting talk with Kristin today. I'm not entirely sure how we got on the subject but we had a very long very in depth discussion about religion. Funny that I get along probably the best with her out of anyone I know. We saw each other's points of view over and over and kind of have a greater understanding of each other now. Its hard to find a friend with such a close mix of the logical and emotional as yourself. Especially if you run all over the map like I do sometimes. I don't know. I considered going to a service with her. However due to my conversation with her she kind of understands that probably won't happen yet. How funny. At least I feel more honest with her and she kind of understands the way I think a lot better. Long story, not worth telling anyway for the most part. While its a journal there are still some thoughts I like to keep to myself. Especially nonsense ones.
Almost time to head home. Finally some time to relax. I wonder where I'll go or what I do. Maybe I'll find Jim since he said he may come by Houston sometime. Finally got to talk to him again recently, and I'm in the mood for some fun. Time to clean up around here, almost time to leave.